Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I just can't use the honey(33 Posts)
Dh and I have been together over ten years. We have 3dc between 9 and 4. Youngest two both have special needs. I'm a sahm (I couldn't return to work as the DC needed care). Dh works ft. In a busy job now. He says he prefers to work late at the office because it's easier to get things done so I do bedtime which is awful alone mostly.
I've reached a point where I'm indifferent yet seething with resentment. He complains about his lack of leisure time. Recently it was my birthday and he didn't even get me a present. The kids were gutted he didn't let them buy me anything. He does nothing in the week (fair enough he works ft). Youngest has serious sleep issues. Emotionally I'm exhausted. I feel he ignores me. He doesn't engage in much chatter with me and I'm beginning to feel like a slave. In 12 odd years he has cleaned our bathroom once and ironed maybe twice. I get most done in the week but youngest is extremely hard work. He barely looks into their condition, works on therapies or even takes an interest in how their therapies have gone. He has little interest in their education and feels school should do it during school hours. I've calmly told him how I feel countless times. There's never even a token gesture of some ironing done. He's always tired. Yet he complaints I'm not affectionate (previously he's groped my bottom and breasts) yet I can't bring myself to be as I feel he doesn't listen to me. I feel invisible and under appreciated yet he says he understands yet nothing changes. His mother for years has ignored me pretty much and he's never once picked her up quietly on it (we've lessened contact instead). I feel myself detaching from him because I feel so undervalued. Even on days where my youngest has screamed for hours and trashed the house and my middle DC has abused me after school by shouting and screaming I've never put pressure on him to leave work early. Our latest arguement has been about money as all the savings go into his name (I've asked him numerous times to shift some to mine) and he was moving my benefits into his savings account. He was cross when I locked the account.
When I met him my self esteem was low after my ex cheated. He makes me feel I'm being unreasonable but I feel lonely. Really painfully lonely. I know some articles say if you give more you'll get more back but I can't knock down the wall. Part of me is wondering if maybe I'm not worth the interest. He's not a horrible person. He'll nip to the shops if we need anything. But I just want to be heard. To be valued and feel special. Not have him roll his eyes when I'm not bouncy and happy when he rolls in.
I'm told you catch more flies with honey than vinegar but I just can't bring myself to be sweet anymore.
Woah thats not at all acceptable. Why is he moving money?! Can you see a solicitor?
He is not worth the interest and you deserve better. You already are single parenting anyway tbh. I woukd get rid.
When you say he isn't interested in their condition, does that mean the two of you don't talk about it (because he doesn't want to) or he just doesn't do his own research? Set up your own savings account and put benefits in it. Then think carefully about how he benefits your DC, if at all.
He doesn't read into their condition or therapists that could help. I don't expect him to be as full on as me but it's the lack of interest that bothers me.
He classes the money as family money which I see his point but I don't see why it should all sit under his name so I've started to keep it in my name.
The kids love him but I don't feel he's present a lot of the time. Or that he's hugely interested in me.
Family money is joint, end of. You sound totally exhausted my love.
What do you want to happen?
Can you access the money? It's ok for him to have more responsibility for it but absolutely out of line for it to be only in his name.
I work full time in a full on job am a single parent and have one DC. When I get home, sometimes late, I take care of the housework and look after DC. Your partner should not be too tired after work to do some chores and look after his DC. Unless he works down a 1920s coalmine. On the other hand on the days I am home looking after one well behaved NT DC by myself I am knackered beyond belief at the end of it all. Work is a piece of piss by comparison.
Two things. It might just be that you are both utterly worn down over years and the connection has just got hidden. You both need proper respite. Time alone and together without kids.
Or it might be that it's time to move on.
I think couples therapy while nurturing yourselves and looking after your own needs. Then divorcing if things don't improve.
OP what time do you get to yourself? Childfree. Is it possible to get someone childcare during the day for an hour or two so that you can cope with your long slog of a day. Can you talk to SS and find out what is available? Or use the savings!!
At least if you were divorced you'd have some down time because he would take them a couple of times a week.
When you mention your benefits being moved into his savings I'm assuming you mean that some of this is the childrens DLA? Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick. But benefits whatever are for a person in need, if they can be 'saved' they shouldn't be claimed. If these are benefits specifically for the extra care needs of the children, this is almost theft from them. This needs to stop now. That money is given to you to meet the children extra care needs, NOT to be saved
It's the dla which pays for one of ours extra activities and for therapies they need. I put some in savings for the future and for future therapies.
He definitely doesn't work down a coal mine 🙂 He has an office job. It's a busy job but what hurts the most is his refusal to act on what I'm saying. I have wondered about couples counselling. Has anyone found it useful?
I get two hours a few times a week where I catch up on chores/do the food shop etc.
I just miss feeling like I'm a person that matters. I don't feel that I really matter anymore.
I should add that it's my mainly my carers allowance that he moves. It's not a lot I know but I do feel it's the principal.
He's staying late at work because it's easier than being home helping with bedtime- definitely. You say you feel like a slave it's because he is treating you like one even to the extent of stealing your money then calling you financially abusive (I remember your other thread). I don't really have any advice but he sounds like a nasty piece of work.
I just wanted to say that we hear you. I know it's not the same, but know that you are not alone in this. You deserve more than what you are getting from him, and it seems very sad that he's not taking more of an interest in his child's therapies. I think you know you are worth more than the contempt he's showing you.
I think divorce would really suit you. It'd make every day life less full of resentment. And you'd get every other weekend off.
Personally my kids were 2&3 when I got divorced and it was bloody brilliant for me. No one undermining me. If the kids couldn't sleep they could just get into bed with me without waking me. So sleep improved for everyone.
Ex had them every other weekend so I finally got some me time - siestas, unbroken sleep etc. And I refound me little by little.
I really feel for you; it sounds like you are at the end of your tether.
I suspect your husband is using work to opt out of family life. There are many of us who work full-time & manage to clean a toilet. I wonder if he's checked out of the relationship but it suits him to have childcare & the housework done.
Either way, have counselling, individually or together, perhaps think about some legal advice to see where you stand.
So he's had lots of opportunities to listen and learn. I think you'd be better off alone. The hassle of counselling etc when you are already on your last legs isn't worth it- he doesn't sound like he is interested in changing.
Single mum here and being on your own is way easier than trying to parent and run a house with an abusive or negligent partner.
Your carers allowance is paid to you as a 'wage' for being the main carer of the children ( I know a pittance I agree) How bloody dare he put your wage into savings without your consent
How much respite do you get for your DC? That would be a starting point so that you can have time for yourself, and possibly as a couple. It sounds as though he is probably struggling with the fact that your youngest two have disabilities...he may feel out of his depth and leaves it to you because, in his eyes, you know what to do. He stays at work because he feels capable there....maybe he just does not feel capable at home.
I would definitely recommend counselling because it sounds like communication is at the heart of this. I would also definitely recommend respite care, as and when you can get it, to relieve some of the pressure on you. You will feel less resentful if you are less tired and it may be an opportunity for you to reconnect as a couple without the exhaustion that comes from looking after children with SN.
Don't give up hope. You can turn things around but outside help may be necessary to get you there. Accept all the support you are offered.
He's either not listening to you telling him how you feel OR he doesn't care that you are drained, exhausted and lonely. Either way he is being a grade 1 arsehole.
He is showing you no respect, let alone love or care. He is entirely selfish and doing what suits him. I went through this. It took me a while to do the maths, which is: if he acts like he doesn't care about you and has only contempt, then that is what he thinks of you. If he undermines you and treats you like an underperforming employee , then he is a shit who doesn't deserve you.
I would categorise his behaviour as emotional abuse. He has groomed you to expect nothing, and when you stand up for yourself just a little bit (re: savings) you are duly punished. You say your self-esteem was low when you met him....where is it now? Even lower, I expect.
If you have money, could you find a counsellor just for you? Can you find an hour a week so you could go? Don't go to Relate with him, coz he'd just find a way to hold it against you. Find yourself a therapist so you can recover some of your old self and help you find out what you want from life. If you think you can't do that because he would sabotage it or 'not allow' you to do it... well, think what that means about your relationship.
Sounds awful OP. I understand the dire loneliness within a marriage, and the dreadful knowledge that you are with the person who is supposed to love you most in the world, but instead they treat you with contempt. You don't have to put up with it. If he behaves nasty, he is nasty.
This is far past honey or vinegar. That advice is meant for people in healthy relationships where you're both a bit tired and snipey. Not when one person is taking advantage of the other.
If I'm honest it's past counselling too and that could well make things worse.
He has a way of making me feel like a bitch. I don't moan, I don't bitch at him or whinge at him. My mum recommended being very affection and really super super kind to him (plus put up some sex) to try and get more out of him.
I'd given up buying anniversary presents or Christmas gifts as he's never grateful but this year have brought him some bits (always buy his birthday). He has brought me nothing for our anniversary. He wrote me a nice card though. Admittedly I only brought chocolates but he's been out tonight. Not so much as a thank you. I know he's tired and its been busy with work but I feel like even with wrapping presents he's judging my wrapping (I hate writing cards as he once told me my writing was awful). He never even makes me the odd cup of tea (he doesn't drink hot drinks).
Maybe 1:1 therapy is a good idea. I'm never sure if I'm being stupid. Whenever I try to talk to him about it he turns it round and makes me feel really unreasonable. It makes me sad to think that I could go through the next 40 plus years of my life feeling stupid and unappreciated. He's also quite short with the kids which I hate (frequently makes comments about one of our children being a moron, idiot and doing stupid things - a few times to her face).
I hope you had a good day today and DC coped well. I think it very unlikely you're being stupid! Can you tell him you think you both need couples counselling because you can't see the marriage lasting otherwise? If he refuses, what do you think will happen? How much a part of the routine is he - would it cause massive disruption for your DC if he left for a bit? I'm guessing not, but it's something to think about in terms of preparation etc.
Join the discussion
Please login first.