Drama Queen sister has kicked off AGAIN - I just cannot be bothered!

[galaxygirl45]

Younger sis left her partner of 20+yrs last September, no warning let alone to him and was a complete shock. She moved in with our Dad who lives alone, in the pretense of looking after him after eye surgery and never went home. Her Ex was beyond devastated, as were all the family - we've known him all our lives and his dad/our mum were together for well over 12 years so he's more family than just a partner if that makes sense. Over the weeks, it becomes clear sister has made a new "friend", who is a religious man (some local trendy church, not C of E) and he starts being a very big influence.... no one knows how they met, she won't even talk about him saying it's none of our business. She's bought a semi derelict house she's camping (sorry, living) in and he's so say "doing-up" on the side as he's a builder (some builder, he's listed on Companies House as a bankrupt developer with liabilities of over £4 million..........) and it's not even structurally sound. The money for this dump came from sister taking £100k from her ex partner, even though his mum gave it him and sister hadn't made any contributions to it....... This man is proving to be a horrible influence over her, she doesn't seem to think for herself anymore without asking his advice, it's like she's been brainwashed. She's given up all her friends and has new church ones, and quite frankly is an absolute stranger. When I questioned this man's place in her life, she kicked off massively just before Xmas last year, massive drama and she wouldn't speak to me for weeks saying I was toxic and ignoring her struggles........which yes I had but she hadn't shared them either! So cue this week, she starts whatsapping me at 2am ranting about how I'm no support to her, she's not coming for xmas, I've excluded her from my DDs birthdays (we went abroad and all the family were bloody excluded in that case), and she's not being poisoned by my negativity any longer. It's also a huge issue that we still her ex even though it's once a month or so - he's godparent to all my kids and my grandchildren, uncle to my kids that they've known since birth, and he lives 6 doors up the road. I've restrained from answering as I know she's playing for a fight, I'm not being her punchbag anymore and I'm just so utterly sick of it. My DH's father died recently, DH's business is struggling, my eldest DD has just had a baby with health issues and has a toddler with a serious long term condition so tbh I'm beyond exhausted and literally can't face another family drama from her. She has not once asked how I am this whole year. Is it mean to just ignore her threats, and if she stays away, then so be it? All I'm worried about is our mum, who seems to think sister is on the edge of a nervous breakdown and then won't come here on xmas day either. I'm just so so sick of her drama.

[SeaEagleFeather]

No, it's not mean ot ignore her. She sounds like she's been severely influenced in a very bad way, but you need to look after your family first, your DH and your DD and her children.

YOu can keep the door open to her if she ever comes back to her senses, and tell her that (tactfully). But you don't need the drama, you're right.

It's a pity about yoru mother but she has to make her own choices. (there are 4 generations of you?! :) )

[galaxygirl45]

Yes 4 generations!! Thank you, SeaEagle, you've more or less repeated what my DH has said. Keep the door open, but stop being her punchbag and responding to her behaviour. I almost feel like I'm grieving the person she used to be; and I don't think she's coming back which breaks my heart.

[Yoarchie]

I agree ignore. Don't engage in the drama.

[wherearemymarbles]

She likes the drama, the fight, wants to feel self righteous. Best thing, dont feed the moneky!

[wizzywig]

Mute the notifications on whatsapp. You have enough on yr plate

[ohfourfoxache]

Galaxy I'd imagine you're absolutely exhausted with all that you have going on

Don't engage, it just isn't worth it. You're not being mean, you're preserving your sanity

[angryangryyoungwoman]

Is he a scientologist by any chance?

[Molly333]

I think some people are angry because they feel guilty ,and then they transfer it to others .ireckon she kinda knows she's heavily influenced but doesn't want yo face it . Also your entitled to hv relationships with who you want , if you want to c her ex u can ; sounds like she's hoid at chucking her toys out if the pram when she doesn't get her way . Don't pander to her , she made choices they hv consequences and when you hurt people not everyone will follow and can't be forced to by her . We are only here once so live your life and be free of her negativity .

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Let her have the last word. It really isn't worth engaging; you do not need her validation in any way shape or form. She may be looking for validation from you- not going about it very gracefully- but you don't need to let her use you any more.

Your boundaries are a response to her behavior. There is no need for any sort of guilt or shame on your part.

You can look at it objectively and consider that some relationships just run their course...it is no different for "family".

I agree with the pp who said you need to focus on your immediate family, grandchildren and mum.

[FatOldBag]

Sounds like you're both as bad as each other. You don't sound like you've supported her, going on about how devastated the ex and you and the family were at her marriage split - what about her? She was probably pretty upset too! And she was right, her new boyfriend was none of your business, especially if you were all still busy rallying around the ex at the time and only asked about the new bloke to gossip or criticise (as she may have felt at the time). If you don't get on and want to ignore her over Christmas then fine, it's your choice, but don't fool yourself that it's all her fault. You simply don't get on and neither of you seem to be willing to make an effort to improve things.