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Am I right to feel insecure?(6 Posts)
This is long winded so I'm sorry if it's a long read.
A few years ago, my partner and I got married. A few months later she was advised by her doctor to join a group to help with her depression but rather than joining a local group meeting as advised, she decided to join a Facebook group.
The day she joined, she replied to a couple of posts, one of which a guy responded to, she then responded back and he did again but then gave her a friend request which she accepted, all of this I knew nothing about for another day or so.
Next evening and me, my wife and our 3 kids are all in the living room and she disappeared. About an hour later I find her in the kitchen on her phone but think little of it but asked how come she'd left us to sit in there. She disclosed all of the above.
I then expressed my concern about the fact she had a friend request off some random bloke after just two posts, and warned of the fact who could well be after more than just someone to help understand him. My wife dismissed my concerns.
Next evening and same again, my wife disappeared and after an hour or so I walked in the kitchen to find her sitting in there talking to this guy.
This time I expressed a deeper concern that for the second evening running she had exited the room to talk to this guy in private on FB messenger with my pint being that if there's nothing in it then why hide away? To which she said that she wasn't hiding but just wanted peace to talk. I made it clear that if she's gonna spend her evenings in a separate room chatting to a random guy rather than with us then it will inevitably do damage to our marriage as I'll not be able to help feeling like she's hiding something.
She then blocked the guy saying she understood!
I stated that I didn't ask or want her to block him, if needs to talk to people who understand her depression better than me then please do, it can only help. Just don't make me feel like I'm not a part of it or that she has someone better to talk to in private. It's damaging. She agreed but said she wasn't going to unblock him. I stated one more that it wasn't what I wanted.
Next day, she gets up worried about how he must feel being blocked, after a couple of hours of fretting over it she unblocked him.
Admittedly it made a little nervous but I was ok with it I just asked he not to hide away. (It's not that I wanted to see their conversation, more that I wanted to feel I could if I wanted co there's nothing to hide). She agreed!
Hour or two later and once again, she's sat in the kitchen talking to this guy, I said nothing in the hope my silence would say enough.
Next day, I find out she'd blocked him again, this time he'd said something inappropriate. However, she gets all in a fret about upsetting him cos she's blocked him and unblocked him again.
Now, at this point I can't help but express my concern as to why she's so concerned with upsetting him but not so concerned with how I'm feeling.
Later that evening she's sat in the kitchen talking to him in private AGAIN!!
This time I thought that I just can't be bothered anymore and left her to it and when bed time came off I went.
Next morning she wants to know why I'm so quiet, so I explained. We had a serious talk about it, and now she promised to only talk to him in the same room. We then took the kids to school and went and got a few bottles of booze for the evening.
The day passed, evening came and she asked me if I fancied a drink. I said not yet, I'd rather wait for the kids to go to sleep. She wasn't happy with that, she wanted me to drink now but I said no and I'd wait.
And what does she do, decides to sit in the kitchen alone drinking and chatting to this guy.
After about half an hour I started to get nervous, and as the night went on I just got more and more nervous. Walked in the kitchen to see her pouring back the booze whilst tapping away on her phone.
Next day I had nothing to do with her and that night she asked why I want talking to her so I explained.
I told her that I don't believe it's all innocent and that I was truly upset that she would sit there drinking talking to this guy again whilst I sat alone with the kids again.
She then broke into tears telling me that they was laughing and joking together and the conversation that night had turned dirty and they was discussing her private parts and his private but that's all the details I got.
When I asked to see the conversations She then said she was so ashamed of what had been said that she had deleted all the messages and blocked him.
I was devastated, not just because my mind was running wild with what their conversations where about but because no matter how much that week I tried to get through to her that she was damaging my trust and our marriage and she still let that happen and out of what felt like spite.
3 years on now, and I've still not 100% past it.
I'm often worrying about who she talks to each time her phone lights up. I never feel fully secure and worry about what she might do or is doing.
I have a regular gut feeling that something ain't right no matter how much she tells me it's my head.
But nowadays she says that what transpired that night wasn't that bad and not much dirty was said which makes my insecurities worse as it just don't match up with her being so ashamed she had to delete it all as soon as she woke up sober.
What the hell do I do?
Am I being unfair feeling this way?
IMO not unfair, but it can't be healthy for you or the relationship to be holding on to it. Has she done anything else to hurt you in the same way?
Counselling can be surprisingly helpful, even if it's just an opportunity to vent to a neutral party.
I don't think you are wrong to feel insecure. It's how you feel, after a situation that rocked your feelings of security.
You probably need to get some counseling to help you see the way forward. Also you mentioned booze. If you are both regularly drinking alcohol that's not going to help your mental health. Good luck.
Thanks for your replies.
You're both right about the need for some form of counselling, we have discussed it and it is inevitable.
We don't drink very often at all only special occasions.
She's not done anything since to hurt me in the same way, not that I know of.
And, it's that statement there "not that I know of" that's the biggest problem in our relationship really.
The contestant feeling of not knowing, always wondering what's next.
You probably have a touch of OCD with obsessive thoughts and I'm sure counseling could help. You can self refer if you need help (in my area) so make some enquires in the new year. I really know how you feel with those thoughts that won't go away.
3 years later?
I think you need to do some work on yourself. If you cannot feel you can trust her still, then the relationship must be stressful for you both. Either you need to learnt to let it go, or you need to let the relationship go.
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