Parenting disagreements

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Am I the only person who disagrees with their other half re how to parent their DCs?

So fed up, and dreading a week of joint parenting

[AmberEars]

Sit down with your DH tonight, i.e. before any conflict has arisen - these conversations are best had not in the midst of an argument. Tell him that you want to avoid any conflicts this Christmas and ask if you can discuss the areas of disagreement and come up with a compromise approach that you can both agree on. Listen to his viewpoint too. Worth a try?

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Thanks, Will give that a try, but it will probably lead to another argument.

I'm just worn out from it all. DH and DS just wind each other up terribly. It's so wearing. DH struggles to act like a grown up and not get sucked in, yet thinks I am too soft.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You each need to decide what is really important to you and stick to it. Discuss it together, work out what you need to work on and find a way to do it.

What are the real sticking points?

[BackforGood]

I agree with Amberears.
Major things you need to talk about when not arguing, and not in front of the children.
Minor things you need to try and pick your battles and just both accept you have diffrent ways of doing things.

[FATEdestiny]

If you are expecting you DH to have exactly the same thoughts and agree with all your opinions on this - that's where the problem lies NoMoreAngstPls

This isn't "talk at him until he agrees my way is the right way"

You need to figure out what things you can "give in" on and agree to do DHs way, what you will not compromise on, and what things you can agree a middle ground on.

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Sticking points:

DS is hard work. Possible ADHD. Loving but can be difficult. DH thinks DS needs 'sorting out' with tougher rules, but actually ends up just getting wound up which results in him barraging DS with orders and threats of punishments.
This approach has limited success and leads to very fraught family time.

I think DH should focus on key issues, and not sweat the small stuff. But DH thinks every perceived bit of 'poor behaviour ' needs dealing with.

Dinner time then results in: "DS sit up". "DS don't talk in silly voice" "DS don't mess with fork" "DS dont hum" "DS dont cut food so small" "DS don't cut stalks of broccoli" etc etc

To me important things are : did he sit relatively nicely, did he eat the majority of dinner.

Any disagreement with DH over this results in accusations that i am undermining him, and how do expect DS to get anywhere in the world without manners etc. (DS is 8!)

[NoMoreAngstPls]

There are many other similar issues btw!

[NoMoreAngstPls]

FATE I know what you're saying, and I try to stay out of it. But I just get an overwhelming feeling that the approach is CAUSING behavioural issues, rather than solving them. And I find that hard to live with.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

How funny! Very like DD and DH. Down to the ADHD. Partly solved by asking DH to read a couple of books on parenting and me doing a parenting course and asking him to allow me to try out the skills (which worked and therefore he supported me).

We decided the important things together. And discussed how to achieve them.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

DH also has a horrible parenting script from his narc father. That parents are to be obeyed!

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Yes, DH has same MrsTerry

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Thing is, I don't think I'm perfect. I can be too soft, and un-challenging I think.
DS definitely plays us off

I agree with some of DHs approach, but I can't abide it when he gets on a roll - it seems quite bullying almost.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

OK, so the books I got for the toilet house were: When Anger Hurts Your Kids and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Both very good for DH to look at. DH has seen the difference that positive parenting has had on DD's behaviour.

He still tries to use the old script every now and again because it is very tempting. But he sees how well DD is doing with encouragement, positive reinforcement and achievable goals.

[NoMoreAngstPls]

Thanks. Think I may have the 'how to talk...' book somewhere. Will have a look.

[ThisThingCalledLife]

Tell dh that you are NOT parenting your dc in fil's style! He's just keeping the same vicious cycle revolving.

Tell dh that you will also NOT be parenting in your parents style.

Why? Cos this is your dc. He has to work with you to find a way together, find you own style that works for each of you and dc.

If he doesn't understand or want to do that, well i guess you need to decide what is best for your dc, do you want him growing up like your dh did?