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Can anyone explain my dad's behaviour?

(18 Posts)
BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 14:18:20

My mother is a narcissist and we are not really in contact. My dad, who she still married to, has always had an odd relationship with me, and with the benefit of perspective, we only ever got on when my mum wasnt around. She seemed to play us off somehow but he would always take her part.

They are both elderly now, and Christmas brings up some weird stuff for me, if i allow myself to think about it.

I dont know why this is on my mind, but anyway. I did pretty well in my a levels, despite being desperately unhappy at home, mostly to do with my dad wanting to control me. On the day i got my results, and had my place confirmed at my first choice unuversity, my dad complained that i should stay in that night, and not go out with my friends to celebrate, and that he wanted me to drive him to the golf club so he could celebrate my success with his friends. He made me cry when i refused, and it put a dampner on the day.

I received a particular college honor while i was at uni, that was nationally recognised. He aaid i shoukd shut up talking aboyt it as it was like listening to a tape play over and over.

When i graduated i got a job, doing commission only sales, and did well, and bought a brand new car. When it was delivered, he insisted that he drove it to my uncles to show him.

When we got married he insisted that we got married at his golf club as he would get a good deal there when in hindsight it was all about him showing off.

It really is like i dont matter, yet on the face of it he is very proud. I dont get it. He seems to be always keeping a tally.

An old uni friend very kindly let us borrow their amazing house for a few weeks one summer, and i invited my family to stay. My dad tucked into their wine cellar and whilst i know my friends would not dream of asking for abything, i insisted that he replace what he had drank, because it was loads. He got reallu angry and said he didnt think he should have to as we were "doing them a favour by house sitting"!

i have bailed them out financially and always been there to listen to them both slag each other off, or when he would ring up drunk and cry down the phone.

He has very little idea about boundaries and if i refuse any request, no matter how oytrageous, he kicks off.

By boundaries, things like he and my mother had a row, and he wanted me to kick out my lodger as he wanted to stay "fir a few months" and called me a "selfish godless bitch" for not supporting him.

Yet other times he is a doting grandfather and father. I dont get it.

TroysMammy Fri 23-Dec-16 14:21:57

Ugh he sounds a nightmare. I'd be having minimal contact with him too and he needs a good dose of "no" every so often.

BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 14:24:34

I dont know why i find it so hard to say no to them. And why he is so mean! His friends would tell you he is the most generous man going. But hes not like that with me.

MsGameandWatch Fri 23-Dec-16 14:25:01

You do get it really don't you? You know that's he's a selfish arsehole who doesn't see his family members as individual human beings with needs and pain of their own but only as extensions of him. As such when Big Toddler Daddy wants something and stamps his big old feet you're supposed to drop everything like the automaton he believes you to be and pander to his every need. When thwarted he will turn vicious because he feels he has the right to as you're not a Real Person you see.

Get some distance, ignore his pathetic tantrums, don't try to please him, you never will, it's too deeply ingrained into the very fabric of his being.

BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 14:26:35

My mother only sees me as an extension of herself but surely thry cant BOTH be narcissists???

MsGameandWatch Fri 23-Dec-16 14:28:23

They could be. Or he could have caught the bug so to speak. I know that's what has happened with my parents. Living in close proximity like that and supporting each other's nonsense means they could become very similar.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Fri 23-Dec-16 14:28:31

Easy to explain. He's a total, utter, atrocious cunt. He's as much of a narc as your dm and life will be lovely without either of them.

FinallyHere Fri 23-Dec-16 14:28:40

Well, if it walks like a narc, and quacks like a narc....good for you for being able to keep the emotion away enough, to be able to do some analysis. Whatever you decide, all the very best.

MarvinKMooney Fri 23-Dec-16 14:32:25

Such a good description of my own FIL. His narcissism knows no bounds.

flowers

BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 14:36:26

Snorting at "atricious cunt"grin

SingingSeal Fri 23-Dec-16 14:38:31

Also agree, sounds a nightmare.

The only thing that will make this stop is by you putting in place and keeping massive boundaries. Here are some suggestions.

1. Never give them any money, ever. Say you haven't got it. Do not discuss further. Just repeat yourself. You do not owe them an explanation.
2. Consistenly refuse requests you are not able or willing to comply with.
3. If they are rude, abusive or kick of in any way, say you are not willing to listen to this and end the conversation, leave the house, restaurant, etc.

My guess is that once you do that they will give you the silent treatment, maybe for years, maybe for ever even. Occasionally they might alter their behaviour once they know you mean business and will not tolerate any more nonsense from them. I wouldn't rely on this happening though.

You may grieve at first, and contemplate endlessly what they have done to you. But I think ultimately you will start to feel so much better once you take back control. Good luck.

BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 14:39:51

Youre all right of course. He has mostly got on well with my DH who is the absolute opposite of my dad. When we got engaged though, he got hideously drunk as usual and said that "of course some people will say youve married a chink." (My MIL was malaysian.) i went nuclear and ge begged forgiveness so i let it go rather than ruin the time. I dont get why he had to SAY it.

Christ there is loads coming back now.

BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 14:55:29

You may grieve at first, and contemplate endlessly what they have done to you

This is sort of where i am with my mum, Singingseal. I had kind if viewed my dad as collatoral damage because he always backs her no matter how vile she has been. I hadnt viewed him as being awful in his own right.sad

pklme Fri 23-Dec-16 15:14:29

I think you've been distracted by your Mum. He has been hiding in her shadow, now you have actually looked at him you have realised that he really is awful in his own right.

BinJuiceCocktail Fri 23-Dec-16 15:19:17

Yes! My mum used to tell me the terrible things he had said/done and with hindsight that was to manipulate me. When she turned on me i had hoped he would stand up for me, but he didnt.

They werent physically abusive should add.

pklme Fri 23-Dec-16 17:39:43

I think, now you know, you will remember more and more.

2cats2many Fri 23-Dec-16 17:47:14

One of the traits of narcissism is the need to keep a tally, to see everything as a transaction. Your dad seems to do this in spades.

fc301 Fri 23-Dec-16 17:59:32

Sounds a shit. After 50 years together I think my (D)F has made my (D)M a narc. Her behaviour is almost worse as she CHOOSES to back him.
Boundaries - God yes.
All I can add is give up HOPING for him to be the Dad you want/need.
Sorry xx

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