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Does a NON abusive partner ever resort to violence? Struggling to accept that my STBXH is abusive

(20 Posts)
ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 14:16:06

Quick background. He tried to grab my phone off me after he realized I was recording his demands for me to email him some shit to do with the divorce. I refused. He was getting louder and louder and threatening to make things really difficult. I ended up face down in the floor and him on top of me. Kids came running in and shouted to stop but he wouldn't. Must have been at least a couple of minutes before he did

This is the first and only time he has ever laid hands on me. I'm still in shock and this was nearly a month ago. I have reported it etc. I'm changing solicitors as my one was fucking useless.

I know this is not normal behaviour. I have been questioning whether he has been abusive in the past. He is an emotional manipulator and is very clever at it. I've read Lundy Bancroft but I think I need to read it again. I am struggling to label him as abusive. I hate him.

MagicChicken Fri 23-Dec-16 14:22:49

Why did you feel the need to record him?

ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 14:28:02

Good question. Because he was getting louder and louder. And more ridiculous. And there has been an underlying thread of miscommunication which he blames on me. I have previously told him we should send memos to each other so we know exactly what has been said.

FATEdestiny Fri 23-Dec-16 14:36:30

It is abusive.

But surely emailing is a better way to communicate if miscommunication is an issue? I don't understand why you'd choose not to email and then record him getting frustrated.

I have to stop my 11 year old son sometimes. He winds his 7 year old brother up. Not in a physical way - in a manipulative and emotional way, because he's older so he can. Then DS11 relishes seeing DS7 hitting out due to sheer frustration at being backed into a corner and being unable to do anything else.

In such a case DS7 is in the wrong for using violence. DS11 is equally in the wrong for deliberately needling and manipmanipulating his younger brother solwy in order to create a reaction.

Your situation sounds remarkably similar.

Gallavich Fri 23-Dec-16 14:42:01

You've just said he is an emotional manipulator. So he is abusive.

mumndad37 Fri 23-Dec-16 14:46:10

Fatedestiny - I don't see how you are justifying his behavior!! He is not 7 years old. He does have other alternatives; he could walk out the door. There is no justifying how she found herself "face down on the floor with him on top of" her.. None whatsoever.

ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 15:03:49

Most of my communication is via email now. I hate talking to him. But if I was still in a relationship with him, I fail to see how this would be a good way of relating?!

And he had been asking for xyz in emails confirming shit, I suspect as a way to delay things/piss me off/whatever. I was fed up with yet another demand, so I said no.

The point is I'm struggling to accept his behaviour. Someone I thought I knew and now all this pleading, demanding, feeling sorry for himself, getting violent, mentioning suicide. I could go on and on. I fell in a trap and now I'm suddenly seeing the real him. It's knocked me side ways.

ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 15:05:58

Just to clarify FATE, this 'miscommunication' has been happening from very early on in our relationship.

PollytheDolly Fri 23-Dec-16 15:11:21

An emotional abuser who probably got everything he needed by being that way in your relationship but who lost it and got physical because you were going to expose the truth.

ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 15:17:04

I think he was getting more and more desperate and felt like he was losing control.

sleepingkoala Fri 23-Dec-16 15:18:28

Well physical violence not in self defence is abusive anyway. So what he did was definitely physically abusive. You have also stated that he is an emotional manipulator so that is also of course abusive. So yes he is emotionally and physically abusive.

Kinda irrelevant but ust curious did you record him to play it back to him after to show him his behaviour/shouting so he'd know? or just to get him to stop? or to show someone else?

ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 16:10:53

I'm not entirely sure but I think, at the time, I needed to be able to record it so I could play it back to myself. Proof to myself that I'm not going mad, that he's being ridiculous and unreasonable. It wasn't to stop him. I actually thought he knew I was recording it. Right at the end, he says 'what are you doing?' I said 'recording it' in a voice that sounds surprised that hes asking. Then he lunged at me, I shouted fuck off an the recording ended

In any case, I won't be doing that again. Or anything that I think will remotely kick him off. I'm very wary of him now.

aginghippy Fri 23-Dec-16 16:20:13

The 'miscommunication' may well be him gaslighting you - another form of emotional abuse.

Are you still living in the same house?

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind Fri 23-Dec-16 16:33:18

Yes, it was abusive.

I understand why you wanted that record, op. A non abusive man would have said "stop recording me, if you keep going, i will walk off"

He is an abusive man.

ANewDawn Fri 23-Dec-16 17:13:47

Yes still living in the same house. I've been in a bit of a quandary as to what to do. Solicitor was crap and have been pissing around trying to find a new one. I've got one now though and have an apt for first week in Jan.

I've had family and friends all advising me to do this that and the other and my head is spinning. I had decided to move out and rent but I don't think I can afford it on my PT wage. The letting agent asks for proof of salary and she doesn't think I earn enough. I won't be entitled to benefits, I've already checked.

I'm scared about his reaction if I get an injunction out on him. I have asked him to move out a couple of times but he's side stepped the whole issue.

silkflowers Fri 23-Dec-16 20:45:50

Is the house jointly owned? Are you the DC's main carer? You could try to get him out rather than leaving yourself. Did your crap ex-solicitor advise you about Non-Molestation and Occupation orders?

Have you asked him to move out?

aginghippy Fri 23-Dec-16 21:15:17

That's really tough if you are living in the same house. Also not good that you are scared of his reaction.

Good that you have the solicitor's appointment. If family and friends (and MN wink) are giving you conflicting advice, just wait, follow the solicitor's advice and crack on with the divorce. The house and who lives where can be dealt with as part of the divorce proceedings.

Keep on keeping on brew flowers

Hermonie2016 Fri 23-Dec-16 22:16:01

I really struggled with being told H was being abusive. It just shocked me as I thought I knew him and I felt I was not in an abusive relationship, it's hardly something you expect. In my case I genuinely thought H was the most gentle man around and for 13years he was - the last 2 years his aggression stepped up until you realise all your conversations are with an aggressive bully.

The shock you have is an normal reaction, having the person you once loved and trusted turn on you is literally shocking.

I can also understand why you tried to record it - at times conversations with H, before he left, were so irrational I just couldn't believe they happened.

What is the housing situation? Do you have a mortgage or any joint savings?
I no longer work fulltime so renting is a challenge but landlords will accept 6 months upfront. Any chance that could be possible?

ANewDawn Sat 24-Dec-16 15:50:53

The crap sols did mention orders and stuff but in no detail. She just said An injunction would be difficult and likely to be after Xmas. The incident was end of November. She made me feel like I was making s mountain out of a mole hill

The house is jointly owned with a very small mortgage. Rent is triple what we're paying. I am the main carer

Hippy - that is what I'm thinking. I can't really make a decision until I've had some decent advice. So I'm muddling through and trying to keep my head down

Hermione - that's interesting. My stbxh goes on about being gentle. He's against alpha males and war and all that shit. I think now that it's a narrative, a persona that he's constructed for himself. I had an epiphany when doing counseling last year. I had basically been going on about him in nearly all of the sessions. Mainly about him ranting on injustices and getting angry with my son. I mentioned that he was a gentle person, she said 'really? He doesn't sound like it'. I was taken aback.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 24-Dec-16 22:27:35

Record everything. Sounds like you'll need it.

If you get an injunction you won't have to deal with how he will react. That's what it's for.

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