Where to start? Long post – sorry. And have name-changed for this.
I have 2DD’s, 11 and 13.
My cousin is a similar age to me and she has a son, aged 21. Let’s call him Lucas. He has some additional needs – think Aspergers – so is socially awkward. This may or may not be relevant. My cousin is always keen to encourage – almost micromanage - her son to have a social life, right from when he was quite young, and I think part of this was from her seeing that he was awkward socially.
He works, drives, but has few friends locally, if at all. They all seem to be online friends - which I appreciate is a thing.
Anyhow, as a family, my DD’s see my cousin on a regular basis – think days out to local attractions etc, and coffees when passing the house etc.
This is really hard to say, but I am becoming concerned about the way Lucas acts around my DD’s. For someone who is generally quite withdrawn he interacts with them physically in a way I have not seen him do with anyone else. Granted, I may not see him too regularly but I have known him all his life.
Things I have been concerned about:
- For example, at a family get together at Easter the “youngsters” – Lucas, my 2 and some other family kids - were in the snug playing computer games and Lucas had DD2 sat on his knee, bouncing them up and down. This made me uncomfortable and I said something along the lines of “come on, don’t be bothering Lucas” and he said “oh I don’t mind”. I had to insist to get DD2 off his knee. Later I went back in and he had DD1 on his knee. The same thing happened. They were then not left alone again as we all went to eat and then they never went back into the snug.
- He plays tickle and rough-houses with them. We were at home a month ago and as soon as DD’s walked in the room he started poking them in the ribs and “tip-tapping” with them. Again this made me uncomfortable. I said “leave Lucas alone” and one of my DD’s replied that “he had started it” so I said “perhaps Lucas wants to stop doing it then as a grown up”. It did stop but he wandered off and said “I don’t know why I am here”. I don’t know if this is because I made him feel awkward or if I had correctly called him out.
- On an another occasion Lucas was stood behind DD1 and with his arms crossed in front of her, his head on her head and his hands touching the tops of her arms. Again, very uncomfortable as hands so near her chest. I took the same approach saying to Lucas / DD’s that as a grown up Lucas might want to stop leaning on DD.
- My cousin has suggested taking my DD’s to another local attraction in the New Year. There is nothing there to interest a 21 man IMO, but my cousin has said that Lucas would also like to go, and I heard him say that. Part of me thinks that is very odd, part thinks my cousin is trying to organise Lucas again. I am not keen on them going now but they know all about it. This I think is the ticking time bomb (as I can manage Christmas).
Writing them down, I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter what his intentions / motivations are. He may be immature, he may have boundary issues, he maybe a lot worse. HOWEVER his behaviour around my children makes me (and my husband) uncomfortable. In fact me and DH sat down at the same time after incident 2 and said we were concerned. They have not seen Lucas since so we have not addressed it (how on earth to do it?)
How do I manage this? We are going to see Lucas over Christmas. I have no doubt that he will start rough-housing. My DD’s like it, they are active kids.
In the first instance I want to have a word with my DD’s about boundaries. We are quite open as a family talking about sex, consent, feminism, equality etc. That all seems ok in theory, but it looks to me that they are not applying some of the boundary stuff to the relationship with Lucas. Once I say something though, like ”I do not like the way Lucas does xyz”, or “do not sit on his knee or tickle him or let him lean on you from behind and put his arms around your shoulders”, are they going to link that with me thinking he is possible predatory.
I do not know how that will affect how they behave around my cousin (who I love very much), or Lucas.
I am worried about losing the relationship with my cousin if I have to sit down and say to her I do not like the way your adult son touches my pre-teen and teen girls. That’s never going to go well is it.
On the other hand, my DD’s are the absolute priority.
Has anybody been through this / had the same thoughts about a family member?
Any ideas on where to start?
And I absolutely will be making sure there will be no unsupervised access to the DD’s over Christmas.