Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Softly show DH the way

(14 Posts)
trytoavoidaxmasbreakdown Fri 23-Dec-16 11:50:01

Sorry for the long post.
Had a horrible cold and DH told me off for "barking orders at him". DH is brilliant father but needs a bit of help in doing things around the house and feeding DS, etc.... since he has said that I realise that I am always asking (have to ask) him to do things and after 10 years of marriage I don't think he will spontaneously start doing things on his own, but I do not want to be that wife that is always saying do this/do that as it will grate.
I have made a rod for my own back as happily did all the cooking/laundry/housework but with a 2 yo and working it is starting to take its toll.
Any advice on a softly softly approach that will make life easier on both side???

Joinednow Fri 23-Dec-16 11:57:32

What do you mean softly softly?!! He's not a child, he's an adult who should take equal responsibility in all things concerning childcare & housework. Tell him to grow up, stop being the maid and enabling him to get away with it. Do you think his boss at work adopts a softly softly approach when it comes for him to take responsibility at work? No! Then why do the same at work. Tell him you ain't the maid & stop doing things to enable him.

Naicehamshop Fri 23-Dec-16 11:58:41

Tell him to grow up, get his finger out and get on with it. You haven't been well, you need help - as we all do - and he needs to step up.

End of. Stop tip- toeing around him.

Joinednow Fri 23-Dec-16 12:00:04

Arggghhh I despair.

TheSparrowhawk Fri 23-Dec-16 12:02:29

Would a mother who didn't know how to feed her child be called a 'brilliant mother'? I doubt it somehow.

thenewaveragebear1983 Fri 23-Dec-16 12:07:11

I don't think softly softly works, but what works with my dh is to just state, matter of factly, that x,y,z need doing.
So this afternoon, once dh gets back from his morning working eating mince pies and drinking tea in his empty office I'll inform him that the bathrooms need cleaned, the washing needs put away, and the Hoover needs pushed around. Then ask him which he is going to do.
I am like you op as in I just do everything and then feel pissed off that he does nothing. It's like he doesn't see it. I'm a sahm so fully expect to do more than half the housework, but I do think when he's home he should do some of the basic chores. I don't get to do the nice things with the children because he takes them out so that I can get jobs done. Well this afternoon, I'm taking them out and he can tidy up. He doesn't know this yet!
Failing that, I occasionally just go on strike and when he finally noticed there's no clean washing or the house is a tip, we then discuss it! Very p.a I know!

GooseFriend Fri 23-Dec-16 12:07:19

With this op you need to step back when he is doing things and not instruct them - this dynamic can be exacerbated by him not doing and you over instructing. You'll also need to get comfortable with him doing it his way not your way (they might be different). Is sit down at somepoint and set out the stuff you do and say you can't do it all and should you both start doing all the tasks or would it be better to divide them between you (ie do you both Hoover or is that now his). You'll also need to agree how often it has to be done.

You can't do it softly softly he'll feel like you're trying to manipulate him.

Good luck

Northernparent68 Fri 23-Dec-16 12:09:37

Can you agree to divide the work, i.e. It's your job to do x and his to do y
Alternatively leave him to it, does he really need help, maybe his priorities are different or he does things to a different standard

TheNaze73 Fri 23-Dec-16 13:56:01

Why softly softly??

Just be direct

trytoavoidaxmasbreakdown Fri 23-Dec-16 13:57:30

Thank you for your post. He is a grown up and I do micro manage. Leave him to it and hope for the best. I hate hoovering/mopping so that might be a good place to start.

ScruffyTheJanitor Fri 23-Dec-16 14:00:47

DH is brilliant father but needs a bit of help in doing things around the house and feeding DS

How can the former be true if the latter is true? does not compute.... does not compute....

You mean hes basically a "Brilliant Father" because he what? doesn't beat them? hasn't left? knows the words to the Paw Patrol music?

magoria Fri 23-Dec-16 14:03:01

Why softly softly?

Tell him you are both grown adults responsible for a house & child and you also have a full time job.

You don't have the time and it is not on for him to expect you to do everything. He needs to start to pull his weight and do his equal share of the jobs that need doing.

List them all and share between you. Then he knows what jobs are his without having to be told like a child.

Naicehamshop Fri 23-Dec-16 15:45:57

What is the point of saying "leave him to it" Northern?

The op has said that when she leaves him to it he does nothing.

fallenempires Fri 23-Dec-16 16:00:23

You just have to be direct,you can't be expected to do everything yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now