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Pregnant. Ill. Unemployed. Depressed. How to protect my relationship with DH?

(12 Posts)
LauraTheCucumber Fri 23-Dec-16 11:00:00

Needing some wisdom here. Am currently third trimester into a horrible pregnancy with a probably disabled child going in and out of hospital with my own medical problems, and suffering huge amounts of pain that can't be resolved until after the baby is born). Am depressed as hell and can't get any MH help until mid-January (staff shortages, waiting lists, seasonal emergencies). Am unemployed and just lost voluntary job due to all of the above issues. Am just stuck in bed, taking painkillers, crying.

All I want to do is scream at DH for the amount of time he spends with XW (DSCs are staying there for Christmas) and for the telling-off I get for using taxis and employing cleaners (ie as I cannot walk far or clean) whilst not earning (though he has just given one of the DSCs £7k for business start-up - totally without consulting me) and for his inability to feed me anything that isn't toast.

I know that IAmostlyBVU but I don't know how to stop and I am scared that I am destroying our marriage. What can I do to get through Christmas?

MatildaTheCat Fri 23-Dec-16 11:43:57

Jesus, YABVVVR. He's being a twat assuming this is HIS child you are carrying at so much cost to your health?

When my dh behaves like a twat, which is unusual but does happen, I send him an email stating why I'm unhappy. That gets my point across without a row. I honestly can't see anything at all that you've done wrong and you are having a shit time.

If at all possible can you get up and dressed and onto the sofa? Have a friend over for a chat? Something that distracts you. I have severe chronic pain and distraction does help and work. So does Mindfulness if you can get the hang of it.

However these self help ideas don't help a twatty dh so he needs to step up. Tell him I have a cleaner, taxis, garden help, a dogwalker and more. It's embarrassing but necessary for any quality of life. If her still doesn't get it I suggest hitting him hard across the lower spine with a cricket bat.

TheSparrowhawk Fri 23-Dec-16 12:07:16

Sorry what? You're very ill, depressed, you've lost your job, all while carrying his precious baby, and your husband complains about you spending money on keeping his house clean? And won't feed you?


Banana25 Sat 24-Dec-16 12:14:46

I am so sorry you're going through all this. And your husband, honestly, is being a complete cock. It might be that he's as stressed as you are about the prospect of raising a child with additional needs, but he needs to get his shit together and support you and prepare for the future. And his attitude to money when you're expecting a child together is insane. It sounds like they're adults, and shouldn't be running to daddy for hand outs.

In regards to the depression, I think you're coping amazingly well already. It's bloody hard being in constant pain, and it's bound to make you feel low, and you seem to have so much on your plate right now! Do you have any support in real life? Like a friend to come round who won't care you're still in pj's and laying on the sofa? Could you maybe do an online course to improve your prospects for the future? If you haven't been to Uni, NCFE do some great short courses for free. And don't Relate still do email/telephone counselling? I know it's probably not the exact kind of help you may need, but it might be a bit faster than waiting till mid January!

And fuck him for moaning about the cleaner, or any other help you may need. Tell him unless he's willing to get off his backside and help out more at home, the cleaner stays.

Hopefully someone else will be along soon with some better advice and suggestions!

ShebaShimmyShake Sat 24-Dec-16 20:13:31

You're asking the wrong question.

LauraTheCucumber Sun 25-Dec-16 08:10:33

Thanks for all the kind comments. I ended up in hospital a couple of hours after I wrote that: the midwives were kind, but the doctors (male) made it clear that he didn't believe the pain was really that bad, either - I made the mistake at one point of telling one of the staff that I was scared that DH would take the DCs to his exW for Christmas, and I could see it really made the doctor angry that I should be so selfish as to worry about that. But I was eventually discharged on massive doses of painkillers (prescribed by a different doctor who overruled the first one) and that made me calm and sleepy until they all wore off this morning.

And now, I just want to cry and cry and cry. DH took the DCs to his exW last night but is home with them for today. Pain is so bad, but I want them with me today. Am I being selfish?

Banana25 Sun 25-Dec-16 08:39:24

I wouldn't say you're being selfish. But I think you're entirely prioritising the wrong things, as in you aren't actually thinking about what level of stuff you can cope with. I'm sure they're lovely kids, but all kids are bloody hard work, and exW is probably thinking you need the time to rest. She's trying to be kind. And with the amount of pain killers you're on, are you really in a position to be caring for them? I think that's what the doctor was angry about, that you weren't thinking about yourself.

Please try to enjoy today with DH. If he turns up with more bloody toast insist he finds a takeaway that's open. FaceTime or Skype the kids later if you feel up to it. Pop over and see them for a short while if that's what you want!

And stop being hard on yourself. You're doing the best you can.

LauraTheCucumber Sun 25-Dec-16 09:54:46

DH wasn't planning to take the DCs to exW and then come home, he was planning to spend the day there with our DCs and the DSCs, with me alone at home. But I have just discovered that he brought home to the spare room a friend who would otherwise have been alone for Christmas, so with her here, he and the DCs will have to stay until at least after lunch.

I'm sure exW is motivated only by kindness, and I fully accept that I need help to care for the DCs whilst under the influence of so many painkillers. But what I don't really understand is what makes it so hard for DH to stay in the house with me and the DCs.

LauraTheCucumber Sun 25-Dec-16 09:57:28

And certainly, I wish I could pop over to exW's to see him and the kids there. But I really cannot manage the walk, am not really managing to leave the house without help,mans every time I book a taxi we end up fighting.

Banana25 Sun 25-Dec-16 10:07:49

I'm sorry. I presumed he'd be staying home with you. I know today might not be the day of all days, but have you sat down and spoken to him about how you're feeling? I can't believe he has such utter disregard for you, and his unborn child. It might be that he's totally overwhelmed. Not that that justifies his behaviour at all.

I think make the most you can possibly make out of having the kids this morning, doing whatever it is you can manage.

For what it's worth as well I'm so sorry you're in this situation in the first place. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be.

LauraTheCucumber Sun 25-Dec-16 10:26:13

Yes, it's lovely being with the kids. I am glad we've been able to have DH's friend here as I wouldn't want anyone to have an unnecessarily lone Christmas, but whereas I really don't mind exW and all the of DSCs and their partners coming for lunch either - there's not going to be much time or space for private conversation with him today. I just need somehow to muddle through it.

Banana25 Sun 25-Dec-16 14:45:20

I really hope you had a lovely time with the kids this morning. And I hope if you're not pain free, you're at least comfortable.

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