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Is this weird or normal? Perspective/gentle shake needed!(30 Posts)
Please be gentle as I may be totally overreacting. Actually I hope I'm totally overreacting
Dh started a new job a while ago. He's not British and works with a lot of different nationalities. One woman who works on the same company as him but not the same department is the same nationality as him, and they've been going for lunch/breaks together pretty much every day. I'm happy for him that he's found some to hang around with as the rest of this department don't seem too friendly, but I'm also a bit worried that being that same nationality so sharing as language and culture, being able to have fun easy communication plus meeting for lunch everyday is a bit of a heady mix and could lead somewhere inappropriate.
He thinks I'm being ridiculous and it's no problem to see her everyday as he doesn't like her in that way, she's nice to talk to but it's still a bit awkward, and it's also hard to say no if she invites him for lunch as it would seem rude (although I've no doubt that he's inviting her plenty too!) He says in his culture this is totally normal and I'm being crazy.
Am I? I told him that I trusted him to do the right thing if it starts going in a weird direction, he says of course I can trust him. In the past though, he's lied a lot about spending time with other women, having long (non work related) phone calls to female colleagues on the way home from working making him late home, lying about who he was going to be with. That's all years ago now and he's been great since all that, but I still feel pretty delicate and weirded out by things like this because of the past.
I think I just want to hear that this is normal and I can trust him. What would you think if it was your Dh?
I would not be too happy about it at all. There may well be lots of women who would be, but not me. What if the roles were reversed? What if you were spending most days out with a man who was from your home country?
The fact that your DH has form for developing relationships of whatever sort with other women only makes it worse, in my mind. Sorry.
Normally I would say there's nothing wrong with it till you pointed out previous history. So what I think you need to ask yourself is what happened before influencing your feelings about this situation.
He claims he wouldn't be bothered at all if I did that. He says because he's not very confident with his English as he hates his job it's a relief to be able to talk to someone in his language, and I can totally understand that. He thinks it's crazy that I would worry, but part of me thinks he just wants to do what he wants to do, regardless if it hurts me, and if I asked him to stop he would call me controlling. I asked him last night, if it upset me would you not go for lunch every day and h said there's no one else to eat with so would I prefer him to be alone and bored? Hmm. I think he thinks I'm totally irrational.
I was going to say you have to trust him but you know he's untrustworthy. You're pretty stuck, in that case.
So he's really hurt you in the past and now makes out you're irrational for asking him to mitigate the effect of that by not engaging in the same behaviour? If he gave a shit he'd stop, but he doesn't, sorry.
he's lied a lot
What would you think if it was your Dh?
That he was lying.
user. It absolutely is, but he's apologised for all of that, grown up a heck of a lot and been really open and honest about things now, so I feel like I'm ruining things by still holding on to the past if you see what I mean! I want to let go and trust him. I just honestly didn't thinking he'd be spending every lunch with someone so soon after starting. But I don't want to give him a hard time over nothing and push him away.
If you don't mind OP, could you tell us what his nationality is?
phil nope, not Hungarian but I remember that thread and thought he was a dick!
You are not giving him a hard time over nothing. He broke your trust, really badly. You're asking him to be aware of that and he's whining at you.
sparrowhawk I did say that to him in slightly gentler terms, he told me that life here as a foreigner is hard enough and why would I make it harder for him? Even if I tell him it's if people think it's inappropriate I don't think he'd get it because in his head it's all innocent, it's not something he hugely enjoys, it's just someone to eat lunch with rather than sitting on his own.
All the lying stuff happened before we got married and he'd never had a long term relationship before. Each time I told him it was shitty behaviour he seemed to get it and apologise. Then the same thing never happened again, and the last few times it probably was me hugely overreacting because of the first time. He hates having "relationship" conversations with me because he remembers how much he hurt me, feels attacked, panics. So I don't think we're going to be able to talk calmly about this unfortunately.
Fucks sake Mumsnet, I just wanted people to say it was fine and I was crazy.
How convenient for him that he can't talk about this. The more you say the more I wonder if he's a lost cause.
Then your only is to trust him, have a sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel and stay away from saying last time you did this....as you have forgiven (but as always may not have forgotten). Also tell him how you have seen the good changes in him and cherish the love you have and you find that his current behaviour might put what you are building in jeopardy. Remind him the ultimate decision is up to him but he should be weary as the other woman might get the wrong idea because by continuing he is acting like a single man and not like a partner as with marriage (where concerns have been raised). Then leave it at that because he won't stop till he wants to and forcing him will result in him lying to you.
He never cheated as far as I know by the way, no signs of emotional affairs, but things like phoning me at 7pm to say he'd finished work when he actually finished at 6, went for a drink/snack with female colleague then called me. He could have been shagging her in that time but mutual friends confirmed seeing them/chatting to them at the pub a few times and both just looked exhausted not really having fun.
The long phone calls were weird, he said a newer colleague in a different branch living v far away was finding the job hard so he was talking her through closing up procedures. He stopped when I told him it was cutting into our time together and told me it had been annoying him. Last one was when I was pregnant about a hundred years ago, saying he was meeting a male friend, was actually a woman he knew. Again, it seemed to be a quick drink, I know the woman and she's actually lovely and knows us well, had a boyfriend etc. He says he didn't want me to worry as I was pregnant and he wanted to protect me. He now knows that made things worse and since then has been incredibly honest about things - like if he's meeting up with a group of friends and ends up alone for half an hour with female friend because others are late, he'll tell me. When he says he's drinking with male friends/group he'll always reassure me and try to show me who's going. I do feel like I'm too controlling now as he really seems to have learned from his mistakes and is mortified with himself about how much he hurt me.
I am hoping that everything's that's gone before has helped him set boundaries and realise when things are hurtful. Having said that, last night when discussing this he said it was a weird thing for couples to talk about, he didn't get that sometimes you have to find compromises about emotional stuff and talks about boundaries was one of those. He set it was weird because he has no intention of ever breaking boundaries or hurting me so why do we need to talk about it?
I worked with a guy, eventually became his boss.
We did lunches together all the time.
He was a lovely guy but that was it.
I didn't find him attractive in that way and we were just really good friends.
It is very very possible to have this kind of relationship.
I know my ExH then and my DP now don't question the relationship.
I still see him for lunch occasionally even though we stopped working together 4 years ago!
If you trust him then you trust him.
If you don't then you need to tackle that issue!
If you trust him then you trust him.
If you don't then you need to tackle that issue!
Totally agree with the above,
hells and user Very true! I guess I just wanted to check that I wasn't being an idiot for thinking I can trust him in this situation?
Right now fighting about it is only going to make us both hate each other so I'm happy to trust that he can look after our relationship. She's married too, hopefully very happily! They don't seem to text each other outside work, don't have each other on fb and he's not hiding his phone, has told me the password before and says I can look any time etc, I just don't want to go down the wormhole of actually looking. I was just having a bit of a stomach churning wobble this morning, and I don't want to have any more of those. Do I just have to stop overthinking this?
I don't think this is quite normal. Fine hanging out with female friends, but not going for lunch every day, and with his history before I would be very suspicious.
purple i don't know if they have to have lunch at the same time, but if they do, there's only one lunch room - they can't ignore each other? Having said that he said they message each other to see if the other is going for lunch, if yes they go together, if not they do their own thing. I just think this messaging at break or lunch times every day is a bit creepy but also, it's too small a place to avoid each other now without seeming rude so...
And Fucks sake, why is it always him in this situation? I work with plenty of men, manage not have lunch with the same guy every day (might as bloody well start now!) and I actually bloody cried as a bloke in a shop called me "mate" - I'm not that unattractive, surely!
I used to have lunch with the same man every day. I worked in a large office, we had a similar outlook on things/sense of humour. Nothing dodgy, no flirting/attraction, just both needed to have lunch!
Your above response is very telling, you need to work on your trust issue before you self sebotage
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