Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Post separation xmas survival thread?

(237 Posts)
Bitlessbahhumbug Fri 23-Dec-16 09:27:49

First Christmas separated, my ex is being very lovely (better than him being horrible I know) and every time I see him or talk to him to sort out dc presents etc I still go through doubts about having left. My brain is starting to function better and catches up fairly fast these days to remind me of the shit!

Therapy is helping with a lot.
I'm currently looking for motivational/pull yourself together/move on type things to read or listen to, to survive the holidays and not make any stupid decisions. smile

Anyway, does anybody want a space to vent or just fill time on some of the lonelier days? I'm feeling quite good at the moment but I'm often up and down.

motheroreily Fri 23-Dec-16 09:40:23

Ooo can I join? It's my second year post separation but my ex is awful. But the upside of that is I don't regret leaving and know I did the right thing.My mum died on nye two years ago too. So that is something else that makes this time of year hard.

I'm finding this year much harder than last. My child will be away until 3 Jan and I'm worried about having all that time alone and my mind overthinking

Cuddlequeen Fri 23-Dec-16 09:56:08

Can I join? Dh and I been having issues for months. He read some messages to my friends having a moan about his behaviours and now he's called quits on the whole thing. He's staying for Christmas as we don't want to spoil it for the kids. How am I going to get through all this???? Major handholding needed!!!

Bitlessbahhumbug Fri 23-Dec-16 09:59:25

Hi both, I'm so sorry, I stupidly posted just before my dc are due home for the day but I will post properly again later flowers

Bitlessbahhumbug Fri 23-Dec-16 20:59:02

motheroreily sorry about your mum. I still find time apart from DC difficult. Thankfully haven't done a long stretch. That must be tough. When does your child go?

Cuddlequeen what a nightmare for you? How do you feel about the relationship ending? Would you have wanted to work in it? I'm so sorry, sounds very sad and sudden. Have you told friends or family what's happening? I hope you have support.

Seems that difficult things are so much worse this time of the year.

peppatax Fri 23-Dec-16 21:02:02

Second Christmas separated and thankfully now amicably enough to spend it together with DD. Many complications due to wider family opinions on this but he is being kind, I am being positive and hopefully she will have a great time. My therapist said as I'm still in a bad place not to let my head go to the 'what if/what happened' place

Bitlessbahhumbug Fri 23-Dec-16 21:19:05

peppa we're spending it together and things are amicable just now, which makes me sad. But of course it's good too. I hope your xmas goes well.

WynterBlossom Fri 23-Dec-16 21:25:55

Does therapy really help with relationship breakdowns??

I'm just starting & praying it will help.

motheroreily Fri 23-Dec-16 21:33:50

Hi everyone

humbug my child will be with their dad. I'm not happy with the arrangement but my ex is someone you can't negotiate with. They'll be with him from today to lunchtime 25th then 27th to 3rd Jan. I feel like I'm getting the shit deal. But he's impossible to talk to and unreasonable. Because I left him he likes to make things difficult. He often tells me this is all my own doing, am I happy with myself etc. Grrrr hence why I'm thrilled we're no longer in a relationship

cuddlequeen that sounds really difficult and sad.

peppatax Fri 23-Dec-16 21:38:37

It's so bittersweet motheroreily - not having to be with him but losing time with your child. No one truly understands unless they are in that position. I am alone 27-31 December so planning on visiting family and friends, treating myself to some nice food and making plans for us when she's back.

Therapy really helps, sometimes you just need an outside perspective. It helps to see yourself as a person to prioritise rather than let feelings about relationships dominate. After NY, my DP and I are starting couples counselling as have got issues beginning to creep in that affected my marriage and I want to deal with them before they break us. Part of that though has been my individual therapy to get to a place to be able to deal with DP'S feelings (or lack thereof!) in the couples counselling.

Bitlessbahhumbug Fri 23-Dec-16 22:00:07

Cuddlequeen sorry I had more "?" than intended in my post.

Family and friends see it that I chose to be apart from DC so don't understand how much I miss them.

I have only had therapy by myself and it's been a lifeline. I'm getting my life back on track but at the point of separation she was often the only conversation I had in a week (besides DC and ex).

peppatax Fri 23-Dec-16 22:10:33

I know that feeling Bitless - sometimes when I had PND I would go into shops just to talk to the checkout staff for 5 minutes and that's crept back in since being alone again. I'm much better now at just picking up the phone and calling a family member or friend to catch up - if I can't get hold of anyone for a quick chat I do feel very alone.

motheroreily Sat 24-Dec-16 07:11:39

I'm feeling tearful this morning.

I tried to get therapy through my gp. I was first referred for cbt when my mum had terminal cancer and the therapist said they didn't deal with bereavement. And then I was refereed again after we separated and they said we don't deal with relationship issues. It's frustrating they gave me a list of private counsellors but I really can't afford private sessions. (I've posted a few times about my finance problems)

Anyway, im going to have a huge cleaning session today.

Bitlessbahhumbug Sat 24-Dec-16 07:53:20

Aw motheroreily I'm going so sorry. This is going to be such a difficult holiday for you. Will you be seeing anyone?

The contact over Xmas sounds very unfair indeed. I assume there is nothing you can do about it?

I think therapy is very limited on the nhs. I pay privately but through a clinic that has charitable status and a sliding scale of fees should paying become difficult. No use to you now but something maybe worth looking in to.

What do you normally do when DC is away?

Bitlessbahhumbug Sat 24-Dec-16 08:07:54

Aw motheroreily I'm going so sorry.
That should just say I'm so sorry. Don't know where the going came from.

savouryandsweet Sat 24-Dec-16 08:27:07

Can I join too please?

STBXH moved out a month ago. It's gone better than I expected it would, and has been amicable. We are spending a few hours together with the children on Christmas day.

I'm struggling with the practicalities of working full time, having the children full time, and trying to sort Christmas. My house is a state, half the presents aren't wrapped and I just feel so stressed and under so much pressure to do it all on my own. It's lonely.

Bitlessbahhumbug Sat 24-Dec-16 09:05:30

Hi savouryandsweet It is lonely isn't it.

Sounds like hard work juggling everything. Do you have the children today or do you have some time to get things done?

Everything is so much nicer with us than last Christmas. I wonder why it couldn't be like this when we were together. It wasn't though. I have to keep thinking about the bad things to remind myself of that. Which seems very negative.

motheroreily I hope you are ok. I feel bad for the long stretch you have by yourself. I will only have a couple of shorter periods.

But I'll share the wisdom of my counsellor which might help you. I often go to bed and don't emerge until before DC are due back. So I'm going to try getting up, tidying the living room to make it cosy, light candle whatever, take duvet down and get together some snacks and have a cosy den in the living room. Last weekend i put a post-it note up to turn on the tv! I forget to do anything when depressed.

Maybe you are not as crap as me blush but it's mainly about taking a few tiny actions to take care of yourself.

And also try to acknowledge that your situation is sad. So it's ok to cry. Christmas is a hard time. It's a shit time to be alone. Feeling this bad does not mean life will always be this bad. It's a horrible time but you will come out the other side. I hope I do not sound patronising. Im reminding myself as much as anything!

peppa I do the shop thing too.

Brandnewstart Sat 24-Dec-16 09:17:00

Third Christmas post split. He had an affair and I found out just before Christmas 2014. Still find it hard. First one with new partner and my kids but feels like the magic went out the window. Used to love it, now it's just about getting through this time of year.

motheroreily Sat 24-Dec-16 09:47:34

bitnerness I do the same I sleep to get away from my feelings. I'm terrible I go to bed when my child does and then I'm wide awake at 4 am. One of my New Years resolutions is to only be in bed for 8 hours a day. I've got a couple of
Things planned I'm working one day and meeting a friend on another. I need to do something between next fri and tues to break that time up.

Lots of love to all of you. I'm sad you are all suffering but it's good to know I'm not the only one feeling blah about Christmas and new year

peppatax Sat 24-Dec-16 11:35:13

I will be here over Christmas doing my best to have some fun! If anyone wants to jump on and have a chat I am more than happy to - trying to keep busy to stop the sadness and intrusive thoughts creeping in.

Shayelle Sat 24-Dec-16 11:53:12

Hi everyone. Hope you dont mind me jumping onto the thread.. i dont have any kids, but i have been single for a few months after a long relationship, and am estranged from family so will be alone tomorrow. I dont feel sad about it, I feel liberated and free and hopeful for a good 2017. I plan to spend the break seeing some friends, cooking nice food, will go swimming one day, go for a long walk one day, a trip tothe seaside one day, and a trip to ikea on one of the days!! If anyone has any other good ideas to do fun things then please share them here too smile Happy Christmas to you all flowers 🎄fsmile

WynterBlossom Sat 24-Dec-16 13:29:56

Shayelle, I wish I could take a leaf out of your book!

I stupidly searched the exes new gf on fb & found a picture of them together! My xmas is even bleaker than it was last night!

peppatax Sat 24-Dec-16 13:40:48

Oh Wynter that's so sad. I know it's so hard but I'm deliberately avoiding certain things as I know I'll get that awful sinking feeling and sadness.

Have you got pictures of you of happier times to look through? This always helps me feel more positive about good things for me

GoldenOrb Sat 24-Dec-16 14:07:31

Can I join too?

First Christmas post split. We are splitting the day so stbxh has the kids tonight and they come to me from lunchtime tomorrow. Dreading waking up on Christmas morning without them here but I am planning an early morning run so I am hoping that will help and then once I've got the house straight it'll be time for them to come back.

I've got my mum coming today, she and I have a very difficult relationship so in a way that is harder than not being with the kids the whole time. At least she is bringing alcohol!

Hugs all round.

Boundaries Sat 24-Dec-16 14:23:35

Hello. 2nd post split for me. DC with Ex.
Was meant to be going to a friend's for actual Christmas Day but decided it felt too weird so will be on my own. I was pretty much at peace with that, was going have nice food and read books in the bath etc.

But then DC gave me the ultimate present...a vom bug shock So now I can't even eat delicious things and am all teary.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now