Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I need hand holding at its best.

(9 Posts)
NewStart17 Fri 23-Dec-16 08:49:17

I've nand changed for this and it's super long, I'm sorry. I know what you will advise me and I going to do it.

I don't know where to start, we met at 16, he was from a stable background, mum and dad are still together, steady jobs, no abuse or alcohol problems.

I, on the other hand was from a fractured home, both parents had alcohol dependency and I suffered from violence from my own mum before I moved out, just before I met my husband.

He was obsessed with me when he met me, couldn't take his eyes off me and still can't.

Was instantly jealous of friends and wanted me all to himself and still does, he sulks if I talk on the phone and gives me the silent treatment if I go out in the evening without him, so I don't anymore. He once locked me out of the home because I went round a friends house until 11pm, then told my kids the next day I hadn't come home.

We moved in together, a year after we got together, I don't really remember a night out without him or trips without him, I never thought he was suffocating or controlling, it took me many years to realise this (13 to be exact).

I fell pregnant by choice at 19, just before my 20th birthday, we were happy but nervous and our daughter was born with some complications but nothing long standing, we got on with being parents and we were good at it, even though we were so young.

When our daughter was just under a year old, I found messages to another girl on our laptop (through a pen pal website) where he was chatting her up and he never once mentioned he was in a long term relationship with a child.
I left him and went to stay with my mum for a while, he found us and convinced me it was all a fantasy and a game for him and I was over reacting. I went back to him and lost touch with my mum not long after, as she continued her emotional abuse with me and I decided no contact was the way forward and then after 8 years together we decided to get married, I was 8 weeks pregnant with our son when we married.

The year after we got married was the best year of our relationship, he was happy, I was happy. I even put my happiness down to the fact that I felt more secure because we had got married.

In his families eyes (who are lovely) because I'm quite loud and outgoing, they could describe me as difficult and they see him as a hero for treating me like a queen, in the few times we have broke up, they have rolled their eyes to others and said it's 'because of her' they don't realise I walk on eggshells all the time and our kids have started to as well. Because I have been on antidepressants in the past, they see me as having 'problems' and that I make mountains out of mole hills because I'm a drama queen.

Our daughter is now a teenager and is just amazing, she is funny and smart and sensitive, her dad controls slightly what she eats, she tells me she is hungry when he is out of the house and I tell her to have toast etc but I tell her to do it quickly, so her dad doesn't find out. I know it's not right but it's happened slowly and now it seems almost normal to walk on eggshells.

My husband gets annoyed with her quickly & tends to slag her off to me (not in front of her) which has caused a few arguments between us, it's like she is some sort of step child that he doesn't like very much. He is much more positive about our son and much less controlling.

We've had a few cats in the 19 years together (3 to be exact) and all have been terrified of him, they've all hidden away when he is home, and hid under the bed covers with me (if he is in the house and I was in bed).

I've rehoused two of them with friends and I just thought I've had difficult pets.
The last cat I rehomed actually broke my children's hearts, (it was their first cat) and when I got another cat 3 years later, I swore I wouldn't be bullied into giving this one away, I even got a male cat this time as I was naive enough to think it was the gender of the cat he didn't like.....

This cat is terrified of him too, he doesn't leave my daughters room when my husband is home but is playful and sociable when he isn't home.

My husband attended a funeral of a family friend yrsterday and had a bit to drink, the cat in the meantime has had what looks like his tooth has nicked his lip, I suspect a kick has done this. My husband has denied all knowledge but I would be naive at best to believe he hasn't done this.

Our son cried and said he might have done it to the cat while playing with the cat and said the cat has hit his face against the wall? But The rest of the cats face is undamaged so I don't think this is the correct story and my son has never been rough with the cat, ever and never left alone long enough with him either.

The cat is going to go to stay with my dad for a few weeks while I gather my thoughts & strength together.

I'm scared of him even though he has never laid a hand on me, he argued with me last night swearing on the kids lives that he didn't touch the cat, that he wasn't even in the house when it happened (as my son is saying he maybe did it while my husband was at the funeral).

I know what I have to do but I'm terrified, I've pushed everyone away because I'm miserable and unhappy with my life and it's making me bitter, I'm going to end up messing up my children's lives, I wanted to give them an upbringing I didn't have, the parents who stayed together etc.

I never wanted them to have to do shared custody and split their Christmases etc but I can't think what else I'm supposed to do. Give away this cat and never get a pet again? But that's not the only problem is it?

I have no family to support me (my dad is lovely but has a massive, all consuming drink problem) and I have just started a job with awkward evening hours where I relied on my husband to pick up the slack of looking after the kids, I earn next to nothing too.

I know what I have to do, and by god I'm going to do it but I just know what a long road of emotions and torture I have to get through first and I don't know if I'm capable or have the strength to do it, I feel like a shell of my former self

Cricrichan Fri 23-Dec-16 09:40:20

I'm so sorry op. Yes you need to leave him so that you , your kids and your pets can live a happy life. What an awful man.

Purplebluebird Fri 23-Dec-16 09:48:15

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it sounds like a horrible situation for all of you. Please gather the strength you need to leave, it's not a good environment for your children (or pets). Sending a hang to hold, you can do this.

GruffaloPants Fri 23-Dec-16 09:55:33

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's incredibly damaging for your kids too, they are learning this is how relationships are. Break the cycle. Contact women's aid, they will help you with practicalities of leaving if you wish, or just support and handholding.

Hoping 2017 will be your year flowers

GruffaloPants Fri 23-Dec-16 09:57:18

Ps your son is so scared of his father that he is covering up the abuse of the cat, and getting upset about it. Not good.

fruitbat2008 Fri 23-Dec-16 09:58:58

You can do this op you sound like a lovely person and a great mother there is help out there stay strong sending hugsflowers

Purplebluebird Tue 27-Dec-16 08:24:51

How are you doing?

NewStart17 Tue 27-Dec-16 20:49:47

Thank you for your kind words, I got through Christmas with a false smile on my face and I felt strong.. I decided I wouldn't go on the annual trip away that we usually do between Christmas and New year, as its his family that we go away with and though they never get involved in our relationship, I knew that he would make me feel isolated and lonely, so he has taken the kids as they were so excited about it. So I am alone for the first time in my whole life.

I am already having doubts, as I am reading some books on kindle about abusive relationships and most are the domestic violence sort and I feel like I am now being a drama queen.

Though the abuse against our pet and the fact the kids seem to know something isn't normal, is definitely what is spurring me on.

I just don't know what to do next, I am in a bit of limbo, I was going to try and get a meeting with a solicitor tomorrow just to find out my options and maybe find a therapist for me and the kids but with limited money this is all a pipe dream. I do have the support of several close friends though, which is brilliant and my dad too.

Sorry for rambling on, I hope everyone had a peaceful Christmas.

everythingis Wed 28-Dec-16 07:29:35

Hello op. You have identified so much alone. I think you need rl support and you should contact your local domestic abuse service for support.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now