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Could you help with an embarrassing sex problem (M29)

9 replies

user1482447499 · 22/12/2016 23:21

Sorry for intruding on your site. A woman in my office reads out threads from the 'unreasonable' section and thats how I know about you guys.

I have a problem and was hoping some female advice might help, I can't really ask my mam and its nothing something I want to talk to my mates about.

Brief story, I had a long term relationship for 7 years that ended when she cheated on me. It really broke me up, I was a mess for the first year and i've been single ever since (for 3 years)

I'm weary of getting into another relationship but have had friends with benefits a few times and casual sex, sometimes once, sometimes a couple of times.

I met a woman about a year ago and we were FWB for about 6 months. She was the first woman i've really clicked with but she also wasn't looking for a relationship and she wasn't really what I was looking (or thought i was looking for). It kind of fizzled out, mostly on her side.

On to the problem, since her I haven't been able to maintain an erection with another woman. This has happened three times since her. At first I though it could be drink but it happened again sober. I can kind of get a semi but i doesn't last. Two weekends ago I bumped into her at a party and we hooked up. I was able to get and keep an erection no problem. Then yesterday the woman I am currently trying to start casual sex with came around (she is also sleeping with other men so no problems there). Again I couldn't get an erection.

She was really nice about it, but I don't understand what is going on.

Do you think its something psychological or that I can fix? Maybe my minds way of telling me I should get over myself and settle into a relationship? Also as a woman what I could say or do to make her feel better that it isn't about her (she is beautiful and a lovely woman).

Sorry if this is in the right place. I tried to post in your sex topic but it wouldn't let me.

OP posts:

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Wileycoyote · 23/12/2016 00:02

Sounds normal to me. Maybe you only can really enjoy sexy with someone you have a genuine connection with.

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Wileycoyote · 23/12/2016 00:02

I meant sex not sexy

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Enough101 · 23/12/2016 06:42

It sounds to me like you are a little bit in love with your FWB! The more you think about this issue, the more it will happen as you are now conscious about it. I wonder whether there is any possibility of letting the FWB know how you feel and, even if it's not a positive response, it might help you to move forward? Just a suggestion. Good luck.

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TheNaze73 · 23/12/2016 08:18

I don't think your problem is emotional attachment & is probably medical so get yourself checked out. The vast majority of men are totally detached from the physical side of sex & all the feeling stuff.

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TheRealBarenziah · 23/12/2016 10:57

I disagree, TheNaze - a 29 year old male is vanishingly unlikely to have bad enough atherosclerosis to cause erectile dysfunction, and if he's able to get an erection with one woman but not others then that's strongly suggestive that there isn't a physical cause.

OP - I think this may be your body's way of prompting you to reflect on what you want. There's no shame in needing an emotional connection in order to enjoy sex, and contrary to stereotypes, lots of men are the same.

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StiffenedPleat · 23/12/2016 11:22

I think it's a passive aggressive way of communicating that casual sex isn't something you want to engage in. You need to start being emotionally honest, especially with yourself. It seems likely that you only really want to have sex with someone with whom you have an emotional connection. So perhaps don't have casual sex. Do some proper dating and wait for the relationship to grow [Freud].

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ALaughAMinute · 23/12/2016 11:48

I'm weary of getting into another relationship

There's your answer. If you're weary about getting into a relationship and just want a hook-up it's all about sex and you feel under pressure to get an erection.

This is fairly common. Find someone you like and build a trusting relationship and your troubles will be over. Chill!

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MatildaTheCat · 23/12/2016 11:49

If you wake up with morning erections you are very unlikely to have a physical problem. Sounds emotional and normal. You do sound a bit in love with FWB. If she doesn't want a relationship maybe consider ending that and then looking for a true partner?

Then don't rush into sex, take it slowly and form a connection. All will be well.

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user1482447499 · 24/12/2016 23:23

I had forgotten that I started this, sorry.

Thanks for all your replies.

I don't think I am in love with her! It was nice to have someone to connect with and talk to but I don't feel that I want to settle down yet. She was the one who ended it after a night of talking and laughing in bed, so even if I was in love with her I'm not sure she would feel the same way. I do get morning erections so i'm not sure its medical.