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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I emotionally abused

43 replies

mnaddict1 · 22/12/2016 20:39

I don't know where to start... I have been with my husband 10 years. Married 7. When we first got together I suffered my first of depression (now diagnosed bipolar). My self esteem and confidence are in the floor and have been for some time. I also self medicate with alcohol and am having private therapy to tackle this and my other issues.

A few weeks ago we had a massive argument and I told him I felt that he controls me. If we are arguing he gives me the silent treatment. He dismisses my thoughts and reactions. The argument was triggered when I asked for money to buy a Xmas present for him (I am sahm so have no funds). He said he didn't need a gift. I was adamant he should have one. I feel he should have transferred money to my account unquestioningly-
It's family money. But he seemed to enjoy the struggle.

I mentioned this to my therapist and she raised eyebrows. Ever since I have been wondering if he's abusive emobtionally and all
My self esteem and confidence issues are as a result of him.

He constantly acts like my parent, criticised my decisions to the point I can't make a small decision for myself.

We have been away this week and last night I was tried so made to return to the log cabin and asked him to bring the dc along when they were ready- he said nothing g but the look on his face told me to sit down and take my coat off- I ended up staying in the bar another hour.

Anyway, we just returned from a five day holiday where he has constantly nagged and criticised my behaviours and actions and I have had enough. On the way home I mentioned we need to pay the dog sitter so could he chuck me out to the cash point to pick some up. To which he replied you had some cash, why have you spent it rather than using the card. I asked him if he had eve heard himself and the way he talks to me like I am five. He denied and said that it was my negativity and I have been like that all week! I said, well you have to pick in my negativity now as I haven't had a drink for five days (this is what he normally moans about!). He parked up at home and started ranting about off yo go then, bugger off etc.

I am so confused. But beginning to feel I would be better off without him in the new year. To cap it off he has just upset my ds7 by play fighting him (as requested) but he's ended up in tears and dh stormed off.

Any advice am so confused

OP posts:

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twattymctwatterson · 23/12/2016 01:47

There are certainly indications that he might be abusive and you are clearly unhappy. Do you think you would be happier living separately from him with the dcs?

mamakena · 23/12/2016 03:23

It's good you already have a therapist. As long as safety is not an issue, please start to take note of such incidents and discuss with therapist. Do what you can to strengthen your financial situation. You need strength and a plan in place if you decide to leave. If you were to leave then return, it would be harder to leave again and the controlling behavior would escalate, sometimes to full scale abuse. Hugs to you...

Enough101 · 23/12/2016 06:37

Yes I think it is emotional abuse. Silent treatment is the worst, I have put up with it for years and have had to finish the relationship. Nothing worse than someone making you feel like you are dead to them. I also completely understand the 'look' that made you stay for a further hour when you didn't want to, and I imagine that the reason you did is so that you wouldn't get the silent treatment. If his behaviour makes you change your behaviour, then it is abuse. You are walking on eggshells and it would be good for you to get away from it.

HappyJanuary · 23/12/2016 07:02

I'm not sure about abuse. Having lived with someone with depression and drink problems, it is bloody hard. I would often 'give him the silent treatment' because it was better than an irrational row.

It is hard for people to give an honest opinion without knowing both sides. But what is clear is that you don't seem to love each other very much, or to make each other happy, and for that reason I think you should work towards separation so that you can both find happiness.

HappyJanuary · 23/12/2016 07:05

It also sounds like he is resentful with money. Is he supportive of you being a sahm? I wonder whether work outside the home might be a good idea, now particularly if you are looking to separate, but it may also help build your confidence and self esteem,.

Bagina · 23/12/2016 07:13

I think the same as HappyJanuary it's really hard to see things clearly when you say you are a drinker. On holiday you stayed in the bar for another hour. We don't know if you were drunk and your dh was sick of watching the dc. We don't know if he controls your access to money because you spend it on drink. If I'm wrong then I'm sorry, but I'm seeing this played out in a relationship of friends at the moment.

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 07:21

Bagina, I wasn't drinking at all this week.

OP posts:

GreenRut · 23/12/2016 07:22

How about op is self meditating because of the abuse? Also I'm sure she says she didn't drink on that holiday so she wouldn't have been drunk when he gave her 'the look' to sit down. I've heard recently self medication in this way is quite prevalent among women being abused so the drinking could be a red Herring.

OP I think he is abusive, yes. I would hazard a guess that it suits him fine when you are drinking because it gives him something convenient to hook on to as the reason for his behaviour. Easy for me to say but if you've done 5 days without the drink then it would be a good idea to keep that up, get your head truly clear as to what is going on here. Have you thought about keeping a log? Alot of these men 'get away' with this behaviour because they confuse you and make you end up questioning your own mind. If you log the instances, it might help you see things more clearly. Have you got anyone in RL to talk to about this?

Bagina · 23/12/2016 07:24

Well then you can't live with someone who picks at you and criticises you constantly. Like you say, you're no longer able to make even small decisions. It's so destructive. You need to be strong and healthy for your dc. It doesn't sound like he's good for you. Would you be able to try a separation?

ChuckSnowballs · 23/12/2016 07:27

Whatever the reasons or blame - OP you sound as if you would be better off without this person in your house let alone your life.

When we first got together I suffered my first of depression (now diagnosed bipolar)

Yes potentially linked and you might find this improves without an emotional and financial abuser dictating your every move.

pklme · 23/12/2016 07:28

The nicest thing I can say before I agree that it is EA, is that my lovely FIL can be controlling of my MiL. She has similar health problems to you, and after a long marriage with her being hospitalised at intervals, he does have a highly developed parent role and sometimes oversteps it. So he doesn't tell her they have savings because she'll spend them, but she is worried about how to pay for some work that needs doing on the house and has asked for money for Christmas. He won't take her to things she wants to go to, because 'it will be too much for you'. However, she needs his care, and most of the time he is right!

That said, it doesn't sound like you are happy, I think he is probably compounding your problems, but... Separating from him is likely to be difficult and have complex custody issues.

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 07:33

Green rut keeping a log is a great idea as I forget what's happened afterwards or don't recall correctly. I have a therapist that I can trust

OP posts:

crazydoglady6867 · 23/12/2016 07:34

Now I am on the other side of a very depressive time in my life, I can see that what I thought was emotional abuse was actually my OH caring about me but not really having the skills to deal with my issues. Now we talk about that time in our life and it is clear he was at his wits end with me but didn't know what to do to stop me self destructing. I don't know your story or about your relationship but I would guess that he needs to talk to someone too, both of you together to learn how to help you through what is clearly a low time in your life. Would he agree to that?

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 07:34

Bagina, I don't know about separation. I wouldn't know where to begin

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 23/12/2016 08:21

I don't think it's emotional abuse. I think he resents the fact you're a SAHM.
Clearly it's distressing you though, so I think doing nothing, is not an option

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 09:05

Thenaze I have only recently become a sahm and this has been going on since before then

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 23/12/2016 09:09

Any reason you have posted this in AIBU and Relationships?

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 09:11

Livia yes, I posted in desperation last night and got very little on relationships so also posted here for traffic. I have asked mn to remove the thread in Aibu as I am now getting support on the other board. Sorry there's no more to it than that.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 23/12/2016 09:11

He does sound abusive to me. Emotional and financial abuse.
Read these and see what you think:
Signs of emotional abuse
Financial abuse
The Abuser Profiles

It's good that you're already getting counselling. You could also consider calling Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 for specialist advice and support.

Bagina · 23/12/2016 09:14

With the similar couple I know, I listen to the male, and his behaviour is justified and I listen to the female, and her behaviour is justified. All of their issues and problems and emotions have become so enmeshed that's it's hard to see how to start to unpick it. It's a chicken and egg, catch 22, circle. They're going round and round. It's hard to know which way is up. Someone has to bring it to end before SOMETHING awful brings it to an end. I would suggest trying to arrange for one of you to move out, it doesn't have to be permanent in the first instance. If you can try and stop drinking I think you can regain some of the moral high ground, and he'll have one less stick to beat you with.

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 09:18

Bagina I have done 5 days no alcohol (a lot for me currently) previously earlier this year I stopped for 3 months until he persuaded me I could have a drink as were on holiday. The 5 days this week was fine- but then I was picked on for being negative. I can't win

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 23/12/2016 09:19

"If you can try and stop drinking I think you can regain some of the moral high ground, and he'll have one less stick to beat you with."

WTF?! "Moral high ground"?!

OP, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of, and I think you should stop drinking for the sake of your own health and wellbeing, not to prove anything to your nasty abusive husband.

It sounds as if he would criticise you even if you did nothing wrong, and I wouldn't be surprised if his abuse was one of the reasons (if not the main reason) you drink.

NameChange30 · 23/12/2016 09:19

Cross post.
No of course you can't win, OP, he wants to keep you down.

Bagina · 23/12/2016 09:20

I think the 5 days is brilliant. Keep going!

mnaddict1 · 23/12/2016 09:20

We went to counselling a few years ago after a manic episode led to me having an inappropriate relationship online. I felt that the counsellor and dh ganged up on me, that I was in the wrong about everything. This makes me think the issues are all my doing.

OP posts:

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