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How do I decide what to do now?

(19 Posts)
Whathappensnowthen Thu 22-Dec-16 20:27:12

Well I suppose it was inevitable, my situation was never going to have a happy ending. My OM turned out not to be as wonderful as I thought (yep, ok, no surprises there then) but I think he'd have happily carried on with our occasional encounters given half a chance. So today I ended it and have completely removed myself from social media so no temptation to resume messages etc. I also spoke with my husband a few weeks ago and said I wanted to separate. Despite us having an awful relationship over the last 18 months (and particularly the last 6 of those) he said he never saw this coming, how I'm so cruel for wanting to split the family up etc that I'm being selfish and not thinking of the children. Well actually, with all our arguments in front of the children, I actually think us separating would make for a much calmer life for them.

However, now I'm unsure what to do. He says he doesn't want to separate. If he knew I'd had an affair I'm sure he'd say we were over in an instant and then it would actually be easier to move forward, in a way. But as I have now finished it with OM, he's not the 'complicating factor' as he perhaps would have otherwise been. (I've been planning to leave husband for about 12 months, OM came on the scene just a few months ago but is not the reason I wanted to split). So what do I do now? Confess all in the interests of honesty? Go ahead with the split with husband and all the animosity that is there at present? Or stay (as husband wants me to) 'for the sake of the children' even though I'll be miserable?

It's been a rollercoaster day and I need some clear thoughts please.

Tiredbutnotyetretired Thu 22-Dec-16 20:33:44

Do what YOU want to do. X

Jess1111 Thu 22-Dec-16 20:44:47

Why did you take the easy way out and have an affair instead of sorting your marriage out or finishing it? Is it any wonder your last 6 months of marriage were so bad if you were off having an affair? What did you expect to happen???

See if your husband will go to marriage counselling? People give up on marriage too easily, but equally sometimes things end.....

pipsqueak25 Thu 22-Dec-16 21:22:58

it would be cruel being in a situation that you don't want to be in i;e an unhappy marriage, is it over between you and dh or is there anything left at all ? people who argue still have some fight in them which can sometimes be put to a positive use, but do you have that fight ? if you can't be bothered to talk to dh then it possibly is not going to work even with help.
what happened in the last 6 months when it was going pear shaped ? really need a bit more info on that one to comment .

Cricrichan Thu 22-Dec-16 21:39:51

Are you sure it's over between you? It's strange that you've finished with OM just when you've finished with your husband.

It is a shame that you had an affair before you split up with your husband, but maybe if you really are serious about splitting, telling him would make it fairer on him.

HappyJanuary Thu 22-Dec-16 21:40:09

Of course you must separate if you are unhappy.

Don't tell anyone about the om, you will be condemned by everyone.

But try to be kind to your dh, and patient. If he didn't see it coming it will have been a huge shock. He will be grieving the future he's lost, family life, seeing his dc every day. You have had one foot out of the door for awhile, mentally planning the separation, while he will need time to adjust. He will be saying thing he doesn't really mean, out of sorrow and panic. Unless he is a cruel husband, he deserves some patience from you in these circumstances I think.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Dec-16 21:45:28

I think you owe your husband the truth

Whathappensnowthen Thu 22-Dec-16 21:47:10

I was a high-flying professional when I met my husband. When we had children he assumed I would give everything up to stay at home permanently, even though I had studied and done exams for almost 10 years to get to where I had in my career. Why would I give it all up? I agreed to a short career break but the months turned to years and he wouldn't allow me to return to work. In the end I had to lie about going to interviews. He was most out out when I got a job. That was about 7 months ago. I needed to return to work, not just because I take great satisfaction in doing a job I am good at, but mentally I found staying at home with all the children mentally draining and pretty soul-destroying. Sorry if that sounds bad, but that's how I felt. However, me returning to work has caused so many arguments, ontop of the arguments we were already having, I just can't see any other way forward. It's such a tense atmosphere for so much of the time. I just felt like he saw me as a general skivvy, unimportant etc, just there to care for the children. There was no 'me' any more. Anyway, he's in his 50's, me in my 30's. All our children are under 8. It's hectic at best at home. I don't think he can change. Oh and he's a functioning alcoholic too (the cause of many arguments over the years).

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 22-Dec-16 21:50:32

Tell him if you want him to shut up about getting back together and you want to give him the simplicity of being the good guy with your friends and family.

Don't tell him if you want it to look more like a mutual growing apart and you think you won't get found out.

All of the options hurt him. Not hurting him isn't one of your options.

CondensedMilkSarnies Thu 22-Dec-16 21:50:44

I think you should tell your husband , split up and take time to be on your own to sort out what you want without involving someone else.

AnyFucker Thu 22-Dec-16 21:51:13

So tell him the truth. It's your Get Out Card. That's what you said, so use it.

RandomMess Thu 22-Dec-16 21:51:55

Geez end the marriage sounds utterly awful, yes you are the unpaid skivvy trophy wife.

CondensedMilkSarnies Thu 22-Dec-16 21:52:43

But of a drip feed there Op

CondensedMilkSarnies Thu 22-Dec-16 21:55:33

Leave him you deserve to be able to work without being made to feel guilty.

Whathappensnowthen Thu 22-Dec-16 21:57:40

Sorry condensed, didn't intend to drip feed.

Underthemoonlight Thu 22-Dec-16 21:57:59

There's no use flogging a dead horse. I wouldn't meantion the affair how do you think your DC would feel if they were to find out in the future.

CondensedMilkSarnies Thu 22-Dec-16 22:04:17

Do you think if you leave him he'll be angry anyway , would it make much difference if you told him about the affair ?

Whathappensnowthen Thu 22-Dec-16 22:59:57

I'm more concerned what he might do. He 'joked' once about how he would 'get' anyone I had an affair with. We were both in relationships when we met, I think the irony hit him at some point.

HappyJanuary Thu 22-Dec-16 23:06:14

Ah well then tell him the truth about the affair, it will be the final nail in the coffin and since you both have form I don't suppose it will come as much of a shock.

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