Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Always seem to fail(21 Posts)
It feels like a long story so I will try and keep it short.
I have been best friends with someone for 15 years, we have supported each other through very tough times.
We have always been with other people but I think we probably always knew that we cared very deeply for each other.
I was in a very abusive relationship for 11 of those years. And he too is in a marriage with a child with a serious alcoholic.
Last year we admitted that our feelings were more, it made me realise I had to get out of my relationship (that is a whole thread in itself, emotionally, verbally, some violence, always the threat of violence)
I left, it was incredibly traumatic and I suppose I truly believed that myself and my friend would end up together having suffered extremely damaging realtionships in our own way.
We both started counselling which has been very helpful. We both have toxic narcissist parents which probably contributed to us ending up in such destructive relationships.
I tried to help him to see that being with someone who is a severe alcoholic and is very controlling and abusive was not healthy for him or his child.
He can't leave his DC, for many reasons mainly fear of her taking DC away and her generally being very crazy and controlling (this is something that all of his friends have know for years, he is due to her completely isolated from most people in his life)
Anyway I (am trying) to understand that he feels he has to make this choice.
But I am worried for him, I miss his friendship and for what I thought we could have together, I fear that he'll stick this for years and it will destroy him.
Mainly I miss him, I know it's his choice and I have to go my own way and move on I am just finding it incredibly hard.
I also know life isn't black and white, I just can't believe that it's all ended up like this.
Sorry for such a long post.
This may not be the end OP. It may be just a staging post along the way. You can't wait for him, of course, but if you crack on with living your best life (and well done for all the hard effort you've put in on that, it's not a small thing, you're doing fantastically well ) then you never know where things end up.
I know you know this but you just have to keep remembering that you can't fix people. Only he can sort himself and his situation out. Meanwhile you've got to focus on doing what's best for you.
Just sitting here in bits knowing I have to just leave him to make his own choices. I know I can't fix anyone, I've spent most of my life trying and now I'm completely on my own with none of the things I wanted in life. Feeling generally very sad. Especially at this time of year. My family are pretty dreadful and I don't really have any friends after being isolated by my exdp. We sort of just had each other to lean on and now I don't even have that.
If she is that a crazy alcoholic and controlling why isn't he taking his kids away from her? I am sorry you are upset but an affair with someone who is married and now he tells you his wife is crazy and he can't leave. I fear he has taken you for a fool. And all this leaning on each other - co-dependency? Doesn't sound very healthy for you at all really.
He doesn't say she is crazy. I have watched this over the years and I think she has severe MH problems. But she seems on the surface ok and it's much harder for a man to get custody. So I don't think it's about being taken for a fool. Yes we have probably become co-dependent and that's the cycle I'm trying to break. I'm just finding it incredibly hard to let go
It takes a hell of a lot of strength to leave an abusive relationship (Good on you, OP) but he may just not be ready or have had the 'straw that broke the camels back' instance.
At that point he will leave and do what he has to do to make sure he protects his kids as best he can but you can't wait. That's not fair on you.
There is bigger and better out there for you. You need to heal and find someone perfect for you.
Thanks slightly torturing myself thinking that in the end everyone is happier without me in their life. Trying not to look at social media where he is clearly having a lovely Christmas, even if it's not true it feels like it is. Just feeling incredibly depressed about everything at the moment
Someone once said to me - and I think it's very true - 'things always look better on the outside than they do from within those relationships and families - there's plenty of hidden stresses and fake smiles'. And it's true ! I've learned not to compare myself and my situation to others because firstly you're not necessarily seeing the truth and secondly you can only judge your own status by your own standards not someone else's. And by your standards you're doing fantastically well
I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment but see this Christmas as a staging post on the road to a better future. It's not where you want to be but you're getting there. It's a long journey. This time next year I reckon you will look back on a year of solid progress and be so proud of yourself - keep the faith OP
And social media is the worst at this time of year for anyone who's not playing happy families. Step away from it! It's not helping.
Thanks Jenny I try hard to stay positive I have come off FB completely, I just feel so alone all of the time. My father is a proper narcissist and I've only just worked that out. All of my other siblings are NC. I've been trying to reconcile everything in my childhood. I've always thought I was quite strong. But I've ran out of steam. I feel like I am drowning not waving and that I have this blanket that just suffocates me. My mother is the least maternal person I've ever met. I cried in front of her recently and she just said no one will like you if you carry on like this. I would just love support and I don't have any, other than from my friend who I thought understood. Trying to be the person to keep everyone together and failing at it. I hope this time next year will be different, I've read so many posts of people here that are true survivors. Right now I just don't feel like one of them. I just feel like I've failed at everything
Thank you for being supportive! It really actually means an awful lot to me
I don't think you should feel like a failure. Your friendship prompted you to get out of an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you've got the measure of your family at last.
But I do think that you need to forget this man. If he truly wanted to be with you, he would be. You sound very strong and I think you should allow yourself a self-indulgent wallow and then keep working on your new life.
You're not a failure OP! You're doing great. It sounds like you've had to overcome a lot and you've developed great self awareness as a result. I know this time of year is hard but just get through it and things will look brighter
Thanks again yesterday was a tough day. It wasn't that long ago that we were planning a proper future together where neither of us would be unhappy but he just couldn't go through with it, well he left and then went back. God only knows why she would even want him back.
I just wish I hadn't lost my best friend more than anything. And my head just goes round in endless circles. Thanks for saying I seem strong I don't feel it at all. Even if he is unhappy he still gets to carry on as normal and I'm just left with nothing.
It took me until a couple of months ago to even properly realise I was in quite an abusive relationship, I really just thought he was ill and if I tried harder he would get better so I am just feeling all over the place.
She wants him for the same reason you want him, because she loves him and will put up with a lot to make a future with him happen.
And he won't be telling her the same story he's telling you will he? He will be saying that he loves her, that he chose her, that you meant nothing.
You really should try getting angry, he's treated you shabbily and is treating her no better. I really don't know why ows always think that their mm is a tortured soul.
The best revenge is a life well lived, you need to get on and do it.
I am going to counselling and even she says I need to get angry, I do every now and again but I can't seem to get angry at anyone! I imagine the reason why people always get away with treating me horrendously. I guess we can all look to our childhoods for that answer!
I have also known him for many years, I know his family very well, they were all supporting him to leave, the point was to leave because of the relationship not for me. I'm not proud that this Situation was the catalyst but I'm glad it got me out of my situation
Anyway you're right, it's just hard to understand when you've known someone so long and then you don't have them in your life anymore
Not sure if any of that makes sense, probably rambling too much.
I think women often internalise their anger. We're socially conditioned not to show it so we turn it inside against ourselves. It's one of the reasons that a lot of very lovely women don't like themselves very much.
Ramble as much as you like! I find rambling helps me process things.
Yeah that's how it feels, It's always felt like that with everyone though, if I'm nicer or funnier or try harder then people will like me more (including both parents) I never really had many friends or much of support, I could never go to my parents for anything like that.
Which is why I miss him the most really.
I'd love to have a family but I've probably missed that boat, late 30s now.
I should be really angry with my xdp but I can't even seem to do that
Thanks for letting me ramble on it's helping
Are you exploring this through counselling ? I found it very useful to just ramble like this. But I think from what I've heard of other people's experiences of counselling that it very much depends on the counsellor and the format of your sessions. The more practical CBT stuff doesn't really go in this direction I think?
Yes I am going the counselling. We are exploring lots of things I'm just not very good at talking about it, it's not cbt
Feeling a bit angry today!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.