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Really awful question, but need advice

(99 Posts)
twodarkeyes Thu 22-Dec-16 19:13:26

When I was younger I worked as a prostitute; I started out on the streets and then worked in parlours / as an escort.

My life is now totally different. I now help support some of those women - I never let on but because I used to be one I understand. No one at all knows of my past. I have a clean sexual health check (I was always very careful.)

But if I meet someone in future (and I would like to and feel ready to) do I have to tell them? I'm not sure I could make anyone understand.

Couchpotato3 Thu 22-Dec-16 19:15:59

Personally, I wouldn't tell. Presumably you had good reasons for doing what you did, and you've moved on. Put it behind you, and don't potentially ruin a future relationship over something that is no longer relevant.

TheSparrowhawk Thu 22-Dec-16 19:17:26

No of course you don't have to tell them. Ideally you would meet someone with enough kindness and character that you could tell them and they would listen and be supportive, but unfortunately people like that are few and far between.

EstelleRoberts Thu 22-Dec-16 19:18:10

I don't see why you should. It won't affect him, and you've left it behind. None of his business.

QueenyLaverne Thu 22-Dec-16 19:21:39

No there is no need to tell them. You are clean sexually so there is nothing to disclose.
I myself wouldnt disclose all my previous sexual encounters, life experiences, jobs etc with a new partner just the bits i wanted to, so no you are being perfectly reasonable not telling.
There is a stigma attached and i guess many people may not like it buts its not part of you anymore.

alleykitten Thu 22-Dec-16 19:21:58

I don't think you can have genuine intimacy with someone and keep any secret that is important to you. Would you want to be with someone for whom that's a deal breaker? I wouldn't, and have skeletons in my closet that I've felt able to share from the outset with DP which was a sign that he's right.

A good man will love you for your bravery and honesty and the work that you are doing now. A good man would also, imo, want you to feel able to share important stuff with him. I'd feel more betrayed by someone withholding important information about who they are and where they come from, and would rather know.

lougle Thu 22-Dec-16 19:23:52

If you met someone, then some time later found out that he had been a male prostitute in the past, would you be upset that you didn't know? Would you avoid a relationship with someone who had been a male prostitute in the past but has a clean sexual health check?

If you can honestly say 'no' to both of those questions, then I think you have justification for seeing it as just something in your past. However, if it would be a 'game changer' or a 'deal breaker' for you, then I think you have an obligation to tell anyone you enter a serious relationship with.

Cricrichan Thu 22-Dec-16 19:24:11

I'm in two minds. Ideally you should be with someone who accepts you as you are but I think they'll struggle to get that out of their minds.

Many people don't disclose their past sexual history to their partners, so don't think you should.

Crumbs1 Thu 22-Dec-16 19:27:59

If you want it to last, then honesty is only way forward. You have to trust and respect each other totally with a full understanding of who they are. Is prostitution really that awful? I suspect women are more victim of circumstance than wanton hussies. I think if someone loves you, they would want to reassure you that it was in a previous life. I wouldn't necessarily mention on first date but before committing to a life together then yes, you should.

Bogeyface Thu 22-Dec-16 19:31:39

Its one of those things that is no ones business but yours unless you choose to share it. Like having a termination for example, on the one hand there is nothing to be ashamed of but on the other its something that many women prefer to keep private.

I can see why you would like to keep it to yourself, I think I would prefer to do that too. There would be nothing to be gained by telling anyone as far as I can see.

Spam88 Thu 22-Dec-16 19:32:52

You certainly don't have to tell anyone, but I don't really see how you can have a long term relationship where you're keeping secrets like that.

TheSparrowhawk Thu 22-Dec-16 19:34:06

To add I don't think there's any problem with keeping it a secret but it would be great if you could feel fully accepted by someone.

twodarkeyes Thu 22-Dec-16 19:34:26

Mix of responses then - I feel as if I am no longer that person and to talk about it now would give someone a false impression of who I am. I can't put it any better.

TheSparrowhawk Thu 22-Dec-16 19:36:35

It's part of your life history and nothing to be ashamed of. But it is totally understandable to keep it to yourself, given people's attitudes.

lougle Thu 22-Dec-16 19:41:12

Do you think that it could get awkward in every day conversation, though? For instance, if he was talking about your job and said 'I don't know how women get into prostitution in the first place....' you would be left having to choose between giving an answer that avoids your history or an answer that represents your history as that of someone else.

If you're asked why you do what you do. Do you ignore the fact that much of it must come from knowing the life you led as a prostitute yourself? You will have to cover up that aspect of your life.

It's really your choice but I think that big secrets only get big because they are kept so secret in the first place.

pklme Thu 22-Dec-16 19:41:18

It would be entirely up to you, in many ways it isn't relevant to now and isn't their business.
On the other hand, it has impacted who you are now and the are situations where you may have sensitivities which he would not understand if he didn't know your history. You might then need to tell him to explain, and then he might well feel pissed off.

Also, would you be interested in someone that you couldn't trust with this?

twodarkeyes Thu 22-Dec-16 19:42:34

I imagine most people wouldn't want to be with an ex Sex worker.

TheSparrowhawk Thu 22-Dec-16 19:45:09

I don't think it's necessarily the case that they wouldn't want to be with you, it's more that it would be difficult to trust that they would have a sensible reaction to the news. It's likely they would ask inappropriate questions and be disrespectful as that is how society train people to treat sex workers.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Thu 22-Dec-16 19:45:28

I don't know what I would do if this was me. On one hand I'd be very frightened of rejection by someone I loved but on the other I don't know if I would feel they truly loved me if I telling them made them reject me, does that make sense.
I think though on balance, I'd want to be with someone who accepted me, warts and all so I would probably let them know when I felt I was ready.

littleoysterslittleoysters Thu 22-Dec-16 19:46:01

When you meet the right person you will tell them everything and they will accept you for you. They will also be proud of what you have become. This is what love is. If a man can't accept your past he isn't for you.

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Thu 22-Dec-16 19:49:33

OP, I think you might be surprised. I work in sexual health and it's amazing how quickly long held prejudices just evaporate once people have met someone they love. Its actually pretty lovely.

JustSpeakSense Thu 22-Dec-16 19:50:20

I don't think you need to tell.

You are not that person anymore.

You deserve happiness, I think telling would jeopardise that.

CalleighDoodle Thu 22-Dec-16 19:53:10

I dont tell people I used to work at Gregg's the Bakers. Not because im embarrassed or anything, but because it was many many years ago and simoly irrelevant. You dont have to tell anyone anything. It isnt part of your life anymore.

pklme Thu 22-Dec-16 19:55:25

Perhaps you could have an acknowledged secret? Say there are things from a long time ago that I don't want to talk about because they are no longer relevent, can you accept that?

twodarkeyes Thu 22-Dec-16 19:55:46

Calleigh, that's probably the best comparison. It just doesn't feel relevant to me any more.

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