Christmas and my abusive mum

[MedwayMumoffour]

I had it dawn on me last year that I was abused as a child. Don't know Why i had the revaluation then, I always knew it was abuse. Physical and emotional violence from my mum. Something she said last year about DH shouting at our kids. She said SS would be onto him. I said at least dh doesn't beat the kids like you beat me. She denied ever touching me. My sister confirmed that SS was called out to investigate but like many other things I have no memory of that.
Mums getting old, past 70. I went down last few weeks and she said 'do you remember that time you bought that slutty top when you was 13? I told you it was horrible so you hit me and I wholleped you?' I told her that she dienied ever hitting me last year and I couldn't distinguish one beating from next. I only hit her after she had started punching and kicking me to protect myself, That I didn't want to discuss my childhood with her and went out for fresh air and it wasn't bought up again. She was laughing at first but I cut that off.
Thing is I had no money at 13. I was a science loving geek who didn't go anywhere until I started colleague.
Christmas is a hard time for me as mum is all alone. I visit before and after Christmas, my sister has bear minimum contact with mum. I feel guilty that shes alone but she still takes great pleasure from my past abuse I guess from her last outburst.
I dreamed of her last night, like I was a teen again. She was torturing me. I keep replaying the dream in my head.
I think I have told a few people this year about the abuse. No one really gets it. How could you? She come across as ok if a bit strange. Dh doesn't much like her but he really doesn't understand. I would have to repeated kick and punch him daily for years I guess before he could understand what the line between she hit me - - and she beat me is
She really hurts me still in my mind. I guess I'm over it, but it's always going to be there, I can't ever escape it. Everyone else wants to be with family over Christmas but I am dreading seeing her all over again next week. But I can't disown her. I want her to stop talking about my beatings but in the same breath I don't ever want to discus it with her.
What do? I have seen her less this year but that doesn't help much. She keeps wondering why my sister never visits, says sister is stuck up. I can't grasp how she can't see the link

[OurBlanche]

What do you do?

Stop worrying about it. You know it happened, you accept it happened, you accept your DSis has the right idea with very little contact. So stop worrying about your reaction. You are allowed to leave her to her own devices. You have no need to feel anything.

Say this again:

She beat me, repeatedly.
She denies it, repeatedly.
She still finds it funny, repeatedly.

Then think: why do you feel you can't go no contact? Why do you feel you have to look out for her?

You don't! And you don't need to feel guilty about just stopping and leaving her to it! her being older hasn't stopped her behaviour has it? She still emotionally abuses you!

She won't change. But you can!

Make it your Christmas present to yourself: Today you see your DM for who she really is: an inadequate mother who has hurt you and continues to do so.

Then do what is right for you.

Good luck!

[MedwayMumoffour]

Thank you. She is a terrible mother, always. Always has been, always will. I feel ashamed I don't have a normal mum.

Yes she has reeped what she has sown. God knows where I get my empathy from. I think if she wasn't so frail now she would still be wanting to hit me

[OurBlanche]

Hey! Don't feel ashamed. My DPs were never normal and still lack a certain humanity. I doubt anyone other than DSis and DH would ever believe how odd they are!

All you can do now is balance your emotions against her actions. That's all I do! I do the bare minimum contact wise. I remind myself continually that I know they are always likely to try and guilt trip me, con me out of cash and then pretend they never borrowed any and generally make my life a miserable uncertainty.

I'd ignore them completely but DSis needs the support, DN doesn't need to know his GPs are total gobshites and I have the remnants of empathy and a need to feel like a decent person.

Once you set your mind to it, draw your own line in the sand, it does get easier to manage.

[MedwayMumoffour]

I do need to toughen up around her. Dh has said we should just pop down next week and not stay too long. That way she can see the kids and get her presents but that's about I feel I can manage emotionally.

I wish she'd never said anything last year then it could have remained a deeper buried skeleton in my past

[AutumnalLeaves38]

OP,

You are taking very brave steps, and I wish you all the best in 2017

You may find it helpful to contact this organisation. They truly do understand.

[OurBlanche]

That sounds like a plan.

But don't wish she'd never said anything. You have a great opportunity to acknowledge all of that crap and choose to say "Fuck it!" and move on. With support you can be you without anything lurking, deeply buried anywhere!

And I'd agree that NAPAC (link in Autumn's post are good to talk to. I should remember to send that link to DSis!

[Hissy]

God for a second I thought you were me!

Although my lovely, you were beaten much more :(

I'm so sorry for what you've suffered! Nobody deserves that.

You'll never get your mother to see what she's done, she'll never accept what she did as fact.

Distance yourself as your sister has done.

She's not a good mother your mother, and (trust me) she's not a good grandmother either

Mine hurt ds to hurt me. But in a PA way that I'd have never been able to take up with her.

[MedwayMumoffour]

Thanks for the link, I had no idea this existed.

Childhood abuse was so normal to me, it was all I ever knew. Both me and sister had shocks when we realised that most mums are loving warm and show affection. I hear of child abuse in the news and think 'god how horrible, who could do that to a child' I never ever then think 'that's your story too' because it was ok for me. I was lucky. That's how screwed up my rationalisation is. It was ok for me because that was my normal.
I think She would be facing police charges and maybe prison if it was in this day and age. It seemed so normalised back then.

I do wonder about trying to get the SS report when they investigated some days, but that's going to make me feel worse

I will call them. Thank you.

[MedwayMumoffour]

Thanks. I called. It was the first time I have really talked about it. I might get some counselling in the new year. I need to remember it wasn't normal and I have every right to feel what ever I feel about it.

I'm not going to let her reverse roles on me where I'm her victim again. I have all the power now. I must remember that. All she has is what she deserves and that's not my burden, it's hers of her own doing.

She had decades to stop or apologise, she never wanted to. She never will and that's not something I need.

[OurBlanche]

That sounds really positive.

2017 - the year you broke free

[AutumnalLeaves38]

Well done, OP,

That must've been a nerve-racking call to make. But hopefully a big relief after, knowing you're listened to, believed and understood by people who 'get' it?

Fresh start in the New Year. Best of luck