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I know I'm a horrible person...

(12 Posts)
shesaidhello1 Thu 22-Dec-16 13:12:30

Long time lurker but finally posting for some much needed advice/kick up the bum.

Initially met A 6 years ago when he chatted me up on a night out and completely out of character I gave him my number. We spoke for a little while but then lost contact. Fast forward 4 years later and we're back in touch and it's like love at first sight all over again. Lust, love, romance, and hostile insecure arguments. He cheated on me. More than once. After 18 months I finally ended it. Picked myself back up, met someone else and am now happily married. ExBF used to contact me during engagement period but stopped when I actually got married. 4 months in to my marriage he messaged me, and surprise surprise I messaged back and we have since met up a few times. He says he loves me and couldn't understand his feelings towards me hence the cheating (textbook excuse I know!) I know what I am doing is wrong but I can't seem to stay away and it's driving me crazy.
On the other side - I love my husband and he is literally the best person ever. Aside from a few petty arguments he literally is the nicest and most kindest person I could ever have met. But he's just not exBF.

Please can someone help me make sense of what's going on in my head.

NanaChrissy Thu 22-Dec-16 13:41:02

First of all, you're not a terrible person. Nobody is perfect...not even you! Secondary, you must look at your marriage. You obviously love your husband and feel regret or you wouldn't be posting. There must be something missing in your daily lives together that is important for you which your trying to fill by seeing this old BF. Third, the one you didn't marry is not the one who can make you happy forever. Don't possibly throw away the best person in your life for a professed "cheater".
Confusion in relationships sometimes begin when we stop communicating with each other, when we stop touching each other's hand or shoulder on a regular basis.
Try this, each time your mind drifts towards old BF, touch your husband's hand or kiss his cheek and tell him you love him. Becoming closer again in the relationship will open communication.
It is imperative that you stop speaking with and texting the EX. NO explanation necessary...you are your own person. A strong independent MARRIED WOMAN! I hope I helped!

Nowthereistwo Thu 22-Dec-16 13:47:29

I think your ex wants you because you're a challenge. Can he win you. Once he's with you he's likely be board again and start cheating - enjoying the thrill of getting away with it.

Try and find that excitement in your marriage, job or hobby etc

0nline Thu 22-Dec-16 13:58:24

I'm a horrible person

There's a certain attraction in defining it like that.

It makes it beyond your control, because you are what you are and it's not your fault you are "this way". All while allowing space for "look ! I am wallowing in guilt and feeling bad about who I am ! Poor me !"

You are doing something horrible. By choice. You could stop. But you don't want to.

And if your husband ends ups hurt beyond all belief, shell shocked, with the life he thought he had in tiny broken pieces all around him.. you have pre-emptively set up a "I'm suffering too !" narrative in your head. To take the edge off having to see his pain. Cos you're framing it as equally shared pain. His at your betrayal, and yours with your "oh look how horrible I am!" self flagellation.

It's less exciting and dramatic than "I'm a horrible person", but "I am voluntarily doing something really shitty to somebody I claim to care about, because it makes me feel good on some level" is far more accurate.

ZestyMaximus Thu 22-Dec-16 14:03:13

Agree completely with Online. What sort of person you are is entirely up to you. You choose to be a horrible person.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Dec-16 14:04:23

Your poor DH.
Please tell him what's going on and let him move on to find someone who won't disrespect him like you are doing.

You are basically lowering yourself down to the level of your cheating Ex.
I think you probably deserve each other.
So get together properly then after another 18 months when you've both cheated again you can split up AGAIN!!!

But please, for the love of god, put your poor DH out of his misery now!
He'll be heartbroken to begin with but will soon realise he's better off without a cheat for a wife!

Sorry, that's tough love. You said you wanted a kick up the bum!

TheSnowFairy Thu 22-Dec-16 16:16:28

Delete and block exBF. Think about losing your husband and how you would feel.

You are being a horrible person but you can stop this.

happychristmasbum Thu 22-Dec-16 18:02:33

What hellsbells said.

Grow up!

krustykittens Thu 22-Dec-16 18:08:14

Honestly? I think you like the drama. You're not part of a tragic love story. You're cheating on a man you claim to love and has done nothing to deserve this disrespec. Knock it off with the ex and get on with normal life, which is sometimes a bit boring and mundane or be honest with your husband and end your marriage, leaving him free to find someone who will be honest with him. You are the person you choose to be.

Icky871 Thu 22-Dec-16 18:09:28

You need to delete him from your life and keep him in the past where he belongs.... the grass is not greener

JustSpeakSense Thu 22-Dec-16 18:14:20

He wants you because you are a challenge.

Delete him from your life and forget about him.

Concentrate on your DH and put all your energy there.

shesaidhello1 Thu 22-Dec-16 19:12:43

Thank you for your replies and advice.
My exBF has quite an abusive childhood hence why I treat him with kid gloves. Which I know is wrong. And I've got married and do feel slightly in a rut and am really struggling with in laws. I don't have much family support emotion wise and find there's no one I can speak to or confide in. ExBF was one of my best friends who I confided in when going through hard time at home so I lost a support system when I did stop speaking to him. I also have some resentment towards DP after finding out he was in touch with exGF secretly. I know none of this justifies any of my actions and I truly truly love my husband. I'm just really struggling with it all right now.

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