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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Do you think there's Mr Right now ?

58 replies

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 12:26

If you're having fun, it's a mutually beneficial relationship but deep down you know it's unlikely you'll be doing the crossword together in your dotage, but you're ok with that. If you protect your assets etc too.

OP posts:

Report

LemonSqueezy0 · 22/12/2016 12:35

Yes definitely. Not every relationship has to be The One. As long as you are honest with yourself, and also with them - for example, you aren't joining in conversations about the house you think you'll end up in, and what you'll call your children, while knowing it's not really on the cards. Go for it, I say

LesisMiserable · 22/12/2016 12:36

Even the one might not end up being the one. Just be honest though, if you don't think it has legs,thats what we women ask for, going off this forum, so it needs to go both ways.

TheNaze73 · 22/12/2016 12:38

The concept of "the one" is utter bollocks in my mind.

I think as we move through lives, our radars, what attracts us to people & outlooks change & people outgrow us or we outgrow them. What I was looking for 20 years ago is vastly different to now.

I think you should live for the present & look no further forward than the next date

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 12:39

I think it could be a 10 year thing but it won't be a 20 year thing and he would get what he wants out of it too but I'd want more by the time my kids have grown up. He'd still be young and gorgeous enough to start again and in a better position then if he stayed single

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 22/12/2016 12:41

Why a 10 year thing? That seems like quite a specific timeframe

lovelearning · 22/12/2016 12:43

deep down you know it's unlikely you'll be doing the crossword together in your dotage, but you're ok with that

Newbrummie, are you sure you're ok with that?

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 12:48

Well I won't dump him on the 10 year anniversary I just know whilst I'm busy with kids and running my business and working full time, i frankly won't need much intellectual stimulation. He's a nice man, very good looking, great in bed, good with my kids etc ... My eldest can be a bit nasty and takes the piss out out him that he's not that intelligent in her eyes, he's good at his job and works hard and for now that is more than enough for me and I'm good to him too.
I just gave at the back of my mind when it's just the two of us it might be less appealing and at the 10 year point it would be a good time to let him meet someone else even if I don't

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 22/12/2016 13:00

Does he know? That would be the key thing. If he wants to (re) marry and have DC, then you need to be upfront and give him the choice to move on if he feels the need.

lovelearning · 22/12/2016 13:01

at the 10 year point it would be a good time to let him meet someone else even if I don't

even if you don't what, Newbrummie?

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 13:02

At the 10 year point that would still be s reasonable option for him, so that what I mean by knowing it'll have run its course.
I fear by like spelling it out that would be pretty unkind so I haven't said look you're great in bed and do the washing up so I'm keeping you for now, but that probably is the jist and I don't allow "long term" conversations

OP posts:

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 13:03

Even if I don't meet somebody else, I feel it would be about the right time to give him the option of winding it up or maybe I'll be hopelessly in love by then, I just can't see it

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 22/12/2016 13:03

It depends if he knows, i think.

It does seems bit mean if he thinks you're the love of his life but you're secretly thinking he's not 'intellectually stimulating' enough for you.

LesisMiserable · 22/12/2016 13:04

In that case I think you're possibly keeping hold of him in false pretences. You need to tell him you dont see it going anywhere in the future and see if he's ok with that. Potentially taking up 10 years of his life because he's nice looking and good in bed is really shallow. Sorry OP.

SingingSeal · 22/12/2016 13:04

wondering - do you know how he feels?

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 13:05

We need a chat don't we ?

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 22/12/2016 13:07

I do think you need to have a conversation. I mean, it's not just you, is it? In ten years time he may well be a big part of your kids or even grandkids lives.

Having said that, I didn't think me and dh had a future, but that was more looking like a fling than ten years and shove off! I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else now.

Would you want to be in your partner's position?

ClashCityRocker · 22/12/2016 13:08

Xpost.

Yep, I think you do. He might well be happy to wait and see how it goes. But he ought to have the choice.

OntheAir · 22/12/2016 13:10

You sound lovely, OP. Just marking my place for 10 years time when you're back n the market.

Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 13:10

He gets lots out of the deal too don't get me wrong he's not being used as a jigalo .... And yes if he bonded with the kids and grandkids I'd expect that to continue, you can't invite people into their lives then expect them to vanish.

OP posts:

lovelearning · 22/12/2016 13:13

you can't invite people into their lives then expect them to vanish.

+Newbrummie

LesisMiserable · 22/12/2016 13:15

The more you say the more selfish or to be more kind, conflicted you sound.

Herald · 22/12/2016 13:19

I think you should tell him that you don't see a long term future with him due to you being much superior to him ...then he can decide what to do .

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Newbrummie · 22/12/2016 13:21

Im just thinking it through, something I've been guilty of not doing in the past and keen to not make similar mistakes again. The relationship would suit us both for now

OP posts:

LesisMiserable · 22/12/2016 13:23

I think.you're afraid he'll leave you if you tell him the truth. You're not fully committed and you're using him. Unless he concurs which is fine, but so far you're not giving him the chance to make a decision.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 22/12/2016 13:24

You're being very unfair to him if you haven't made your position crystal clear. In essence, you're 'living' this relationship with one foot already out the door whilst it sounds as if he's 'all in'.

Yes, you need to have a good chat with him. He needs to understand that for you he's 'Mr Right Now', and not 'Mr Right'. Once you've made that clear it will be up to him to decide if he wants to stay or move on. And if he decides to move on, you need to let him do so graciously.

And yes, there definitely are 'Mr/Ms Rights' out there. I found mine. There's just not any guarantee that you'll be lucky enough to find yours. Especially if you're involved with someone else if they happen to wander into your life.

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