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(15 Posts)
Sahd1979 Thu 22-Dec-16 08:57:20

I need to get off my chest an example of what I have to put up with from my other half and I've no idea where else to rant would love to do it on facebook so everyone knows what kind of parent they really are but can't rock the boat with my other half.
There are many examples of my SO being next to disinterested in our children (and me) the only time they appear to care is when other people are around so they look like the greatest parent since sliced bread, I won't go into the amount of times they have threatened to take the kids away from me and kick me out when ever I argue back about anything (I'm a stay at home parent so no money of my own and mortgage is in their name) but this morning takes the cake, our daughter has had a cold for a couple of days so she's been extra clingy so I've found it hard to do anything like cleaning cooking, which I'm struggling with anyway cause the amount there alway seams to be, this morning our son woke up very snotty and screaming all morning nothing would keep him happy SO finally get up to go to work I go out, scrape the ice off their car and as they are going out the door they complain that they didn't get the croissants that they bought for breakfast cause I didn't make them and went off in a sulk which will be biting me on the arse all night now as they will be stewing all day thinking about.
I was literally speechless how can I make them with two ill children one of them in my arms snotting and screaming all over me but I know to argue back means threats to take kids away from me if I can't handle it.
I'm at them end of my rope I've started have anxiety and panic attacks even writing this I'm starting to panic cause I know I have so much to do round house before they get home just don't know what to do.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Dec-16 09:40:48

Why did you scrape the ice off the car if you weren't the one going out in it?
This all sounds very abusive to me.
Not sure if it is but they way you word things, how you HAVE to get the house tidy or all hell breaks loose, means you are scared and that is never good.
Could you take a bit of time this morning to call Womens Aid and have a chat with them about your situation?
They will be able to help you understand what is going on.
Is there any way you can leave and go to see a friend or family member?
Do you have any support around you at all?
Don't worry about the house.
Look after the DC, they are your priority.
If you 'D'P doesn't like it then he can sort it out when he returns.
But reading between the lines, I think you need to pack up some stuff for a few nights and get away.

Sahd1979 Wed 15-Feb-17 13:03:46

Could you imagine what the neighbours would think if I sent her out in the cold to scrape the car I would look like a right git, I've already looked into emotional abouse she, ticks all the boxes but I've also seen its very hard to prove and I look like the one with the problems cause I'm suffering depression because of it which she seems to enjoy Telling her family about. Our daughter has just started nursery in the mornings which I thought would be brilliant cause I can use that time to catch up with all the house sorting that's been building up as I been hiding things in cupboards for sorting out later which I never have time to do, almost as soon as she's out the door my other half wants the kitchen remodelling plus doing all the other things I normally do (cleaning etc) I've never remodelled a kitchen before it's been over a month and I'm still going evey spare moment I have I'm out there our house is dirty everywhere cause I can't keep up with both and everyday I'm moaned at about both. My biggest fear is that if I do leave with kids they will just be taken off me anyway because I'm the father with no money or home it's just better to stay here miserable but I get to see my kids everyday losing them would be my life over they are everything to me.

fallenempires Wed 15-Feb-17 13:10:22

You sound utterly overwhelmed.Have you been to see your GP?

Penhacked Wed 15-Feb-17 13:24:34

You need to get a job.

mumonashoestring Wed 15-Feb-17 13:26:08

She sounds like a nightmare, and I speak as a working mum with a SAHD husband - if our DS is ill, that quite rightly takes priority and the housework just has to wait a few days.

You should have access to money - shared funds at the very least, you should have leisure time, and you should be able to share some of the housework with your OH. Bringing in cash doesn't magically excuse you from helping around the house.

Just wondering, instead of saying you're having trouble coping do you ever ask her, for example, what exactly stopped her from preparing her own damn breakfast given that you have two ill children to care for?

SparklyMagpie Wed 15-Feb-17 18:12:01

Penhacked I think he needs to see his GP first and seek some support. Sounds like a very abusive.

OP I'll come back to this later after I get my toddler in bed ha. But keep strong, I'm sure some very wise posters will be along very shortly with brilliant advice.

I definitely think you could do with a visit to your GP, think about getting some additional support for you


SparklyMagpie Wed 15-Feb-17 18:14:08

* abusive relationship

Penhacked Wed 15-Feb-17 19:55:06

I agree about some abuse support, but your are on a very uneven playing field being a sahp

fallenempires Wed 15-Feb-17 21:07:49

pen what does the comment about SAHP mean?

mumonashoestring Wed 15-Feb-17 21:51:03

Penhacked that's only true if your partner decides to use it against you - similarly a working parent could be 'accused' of taking less interest in their kids if a relationship broke down. Being a SAHP means providing childcare and usually a larger share of domestic duties all of which carries a financial value that should be recognised (and of course benefits your kids in a way you can't really quantify). Behaving as though having a job and monetary income is the be all and end all isn't necessarily that helpful.

Penhacked Thu 16-Feb-17 13:35:55

I am a SAHP. I am saying the OP's circumstances right now sound precarious. The power is very uneven and, as you know OP, she knows this and is cynically using it against you. Have you pointed that out to her? Do you still love her? Ivwould be finding a job if my partner thought so little of my contribution. As a SAHP, the only sliver of recognition of the value of your work comes from happy children and a positive partner.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 16-Feb-17 13:43:43

You need to call Mankind; they can and will help you here. This is domestic abuse on her part. Your children are and will be harmed by seeing you being abused like this; they cannot afford to grow up thinking that their mother's behaviours towards you are at all normal. Staying for the children in such circumstances is therefore a bad idea; you and she need to be apart.

Their number is 01823 334244...they are there today until 4pm.

Your children will not be taken off you simply because you are a man.

sammyjayneex Thu 16-Feb-17 14:20:42

I understand where you are coming from OP. It's hard for stay at home parents because they have no safety net and abuse is common in these circumstances. It's sounds like you OH is very controlling and abusive. She gets to go to work all day and your left with poorly children and she expects the house to be like a palace, she needs to wake up. She probably thinks because your at home all day you should have the house all gleamy but it's not simple! It's so easy to get depressed as well whilst being a SAHP because you often end up doing the same old same old and if she's not providing you with money that's financial abuse. Do you not get any child tax credits or child benefit? If you do then I would demand that these are paid straight to you because your the main carer. If you don't qualify then she should be giving you money weekly so you can do things, your doing a job, bringing up your children so they have a parent at home, your giving up your life for them she should be appreciative that she can carry on her life and career whilst your taking care of the kids.
My husband has the tendency to criticise me if things are not done, he doesn't understand when I'm depressed and gets angry with me if I'm down. He still has a social life and a his own money whilst I lose all that because I'm staying at home.
Pen I think it's out of order telling him to get a job, it might not be that simple for him in regards to childcare ect. I know it's hard for me to just 'get a job' when I have children to find childcare for.
You need to talk to her and tell her she's needs to be more understanding and you need to see someone about how your feeling in general and maybe get some legal advice in regards to the children because she can't threaten you with the kids then

Imi22sleeping Thu 16-Feb-17 14:39:29

Gosh this is awful. Im a sahm at the mo and my husband can do one if he things everything will get done or course i do want i can but ita not your job to have spotless house Esp as lo is ill at the mo. You need help to get out.

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