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DH saying I am a neurotic control freak but I feel I'm the only one who is taking care of everything

(66 Posts)
TheSlumpingbauble Thu 22-Dec-16 08:39:01

We are abroad in DH's home country and DD (3yo) has terrible cystitis. She is suffering, feverish, not sleeping and refusing to drink and in pain. DH doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge how much she is suffering and just thinks she is playing up when she cries. I dosed DD up on nurofen last night and made it clear we needed to get to a doctor / pharmacist today.

I woke up this morning to find DH gone. I got the DC up, I had promised poor crying DD I would do something to resolve her pain today, but his leaving without telling me means I am stuck in the rental with the DC til he comes back. I also cannot speak the local language so would find it hard to get the right help for DD. I am also exhausted from lack of sleep comforting DD all night.

DH comes back after two hours. He has been to a pharmacy to get some throat sweets for himself because he has a sore throat, he then went for breakfast by himself.

I go ballistic. DH accuses me of being a control freak nazi and ordering him around. Saying why am I always getting at him? Why don't I give him a break for once? We'll go to the pharmacy later for DD.

This is just one of many daily instances like this where he completely forgets mine and the DC's needs in situations, then when I bring him up on it he accuses me of being a neurotic control freak.

What is this? And how can I communicate to him what's happening? He doesn't seem to understand. Or am I being a neurotic control freak?

PinkMarkerPen Thu 22-Dec-16 08:41:54

He's a selfish bastard.

How long are you due to be in that country?

timelytess Thu 22-Dec-16 08:41:56

The woman in charge gets to take responsibility for everything. Therefore she seems like a control freak. Its because 'it' has to be done and she's the one who has to make sure it gets done, and the one who will feel bad if it doesn't.

Your DH seems like a complete loser. He can't put his child first? Why are you with him?

Sallycinnamum Thu 22-Dec-16 08:41:58

No you're not and yes he is an absolute shit leaving your little girl in pain.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Does he have any redeeming features?

JontyDoggle37 Thu 22-Dec-16 08:42:04

No you're not being a control freak, he's being a selfish and thoughtless bastard.
Short term - get your DD sorted and get back to the UK
Long term - I'd be planning to leave.

Hoppinggreen Thu 22-Dec-16 08:42:40

He sounds like a total dick.
You can't communicate with him because he refuses to acknowledge anyone else has needs.
Will you be going back to the uk ( assume that's home?) soon? Once you are I would have a serious think about your future if I were you

KinkyAfro Thu 22-Dec-16 08:43:42

He's being a selfish prick, he actually went to the chemist for himself and did fuck all about your daughter? From what you've written he sounds like a controlling bully, where had he been for those 2 hours?

TheTombstonesMove Thu 22-Dec-16 08:43:43

Definitely not a neurotic control freak. Your H sounds unthinking at best, callous at worst. I hope your poor DD gets the medicine she needs.

MrsKCastle Thu 22-Dec-16 08:55:18

He actually sounds worse than thoughtless, he sounds deliberately cruel. He went to a pharmacy knowing that you needed to do that for DD but didn't get anything sorted for her. It sounds like he's deliberately trying to wind you up and leave her to suffer.

ravenmum Thu 22-Dec-16 09:05:29

You can't communicate it to him because he doesn't want to understand. But going ballistic just gives him further ammunition to make out that you are the one being unreasonable. Been there myself.

Mine would accuse me of over-interpreting things he said or did when he "didn't mean it like that"; as he didn't realise how his actions might affect me, apparently it was unfair of me to complain about them - any hurt was unintended so didn't count. It's only much later that I have untangled my thoughts on this and know that the act of not thinking how things will affect anyone else than yourself is wrong. Not thinking about other people is a crap excuse for hurting them.

Look out for any expats or speakers of the local language who can help you gain temporary indepence where you are, before you get more permanent independence by leaving. Independence means that you no longer have to be angry at being let down by him.

Creatureofthenight Thu 22-Dec-16 09:08:36

You're not a control freak, he's a selfish git. No parent worth anything would leave their child in pain and go and have a nice breakfast by themselves.

HumphreyCobblers Thu 22-Dec-16 09:09:53

How dare he get help for himself and ignore his daughter? What an absolute unfeeling, selfish arse.

You are not a control freak, he is uncaring and being abusive to your poor daughter. Someone who thinks their in pain child is 'playing up' is a thoroughly horrid person actually.

Backingvocals Thu 22-Dec-16 09:14:02

I never say this but honestly, thats a deal breaker.

If she's feverish she's got a urine infection which could easily become a kidney infection and then permanent kidney damage. DD has kidney damage as a reult of hers and that's with me getting her on antibiotics the second I know she's got a UTI. You need to get antiobiotics today.

DH is an idiot and I would be planning a future without him.

DistanceCall Thu 22-Dec-16 12:19:21

I would leave my partner over this. Seriously. Ignoring a little girl in pain and claiming that she's playing up? Disgusting.

DistanceCall Thu 22-Dec-16 12:20:51

I would go to A&E (surely someone will speak English more or less there), sort your daughter's antibiotics out, and start making arrangements for divorce when I got back home. I really would be unable to have anything to do with a man who is capable of allowing a child to suffer like this.

gillybeanz Thu 22-Dec-16 12:24:31

I couldn't be with somebody who refused to put his children'd needs before his own, he'd be gone I'm afraid, as easy as that.

gillybeanz Thu 22-Dec-16 12:28:11

He's asked for a break for once, I'd give him one permanently.
You and your children need better than this, please don't let him neglect your children anymore.

CatyB Thu 22-Dec-16 12:32:07

The way you describe it he is terribly egocentric and the problem is entirely with him, not you.

KarmaNoMore Thu 22-Dec-16 12:33:20

Timelytess got it perfectly right, and so are those who said that not thinking about other people is not a excuse to hurt them.

Raising a child requires a lot of team work, yet it is not unusual for the woman to do all the hard work while the man just coasts along with the nice things.

I wouldn't say you should LTB over an incident like this but I am sure that if he is often so selfish and puts his needs over the Ines of his family constantly, you will eventually leave and at that time you will realise that it is actually much easier to raise your kids without him around, as you are already doing everything and he is just a spoiled child taking all your energy away

farfallarocks Thu 22-Dec-16 12:35:42

Where are you? I would
Consider getting on a plane and coming home

Oliversmumsarmy Thu 22-Dec-16 12:36:24

Why aren't you taking her to the doctors straight away. As opposed to later.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Thu 22-Dec-16 12:38:15

Where are you?

DistanceCall Thu 22-Dec-16 12:38:55

Even if none of the doctors speak English, "cystitis" is easy to understand (Medical words are usually the same across languages). It's also easy to gesture that she's had a high fever, and you can write down the temperature, etc.

Keeptrudging Thu 22-Dec-16 12:39:22

When DD had a urine infection like that she had to go to out of hours dr and needed antibiotics. DH drove me there at 11pm and she's not even his natural daughter. Your partner is being absolutely horrible to know his daughter is in pain and do nothing about it. Horrible man, you and your DD deserve better. flowers

DistanceCall Thu 22-Dec-16 12:43:38

Also, if you are in a foreign country, perhaps you can let us know what the language there is, and we can tell you what to say / write down.

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