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How long does the anger last, found out partner had been cheating.

(15 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Thu 22-Dec-16 07:43:41

A week before Christmas and I find out my partner had been cheating on me, I checked his phone after we had a argument and found he had been meeting other women which he had met online, they had exchanged photos, arrange to meet and he continued to pester them after they has told him they were no longer interested.

I am devastated, he treated me like a princess most of the time, we did everything together, he took me out, he bought me flowers, we had a great sex life.

He tried telling me he had sent these messages for a friend ( a friend that I know he hasn't seen for 6 months ), he continues to lie, he sent photos of himself which are photos I took last summer, one woman asked why he had a woman as his profile photo on whatsapp and he tried telling her it was a photo of his daughter.

I had been suspicious for a month or so as thing felt different in the bedroom and he kept telling small lies making out I was crazy when I questioned them, he often his his phone from me, I should have seen it.

The anger and upset I am feeling is killing me and tearing me apart, I am trying to stay strong for my dc's, I don't want to ruin Christmas, my family are trying to support me. I am so angry with him, I hate him but deep down I love him and I miss him so much. How long will this anger last?

I am on anti depressants but they are not working yet, I have sleeping tablets but I still can't sleep. I want to move on and forget him but I loved him so much, everything in the house reminds me of him, I have got rid of most of his things but memories we made together are everywhere.

GizmoFrisby Thu 22-Dec-16 08:03:43

I have no advice really as never been in this situation. Didn't want to read and run, take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. Hope your ok flowers

vickyq1983 Thu 22-Dec-16 08:09:51

I found out a partner was cheating around 5 years ago. I wiped him out of my life completely (no children involved) but I would say the anger lasted at least a yr. Everyday my brain would go over and over it and play out what I would say if I saw him. I managed to restrain contacting him and I met my current partner 3 yrs ago now. We have a beautiful baby boy and I couldn't be happier. I also found out my ex cheated on the girl he cheated on me with. If your partner can do that to you then he isn't right for you. There is someone out there who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Concentrate on yourself and kids and Mr Right will come along. X

IsNotGold Thu 22-Dec-16 08:44:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timelytess Thu 22-Dec-16 08:49:14

About 25 years? Or longer. I'm still angry, though since then he had two further wives and he died last year. He had unprotected sex and put my life and that of my (our) breastfed child at risk (it was the 80s, HIV/Aids was a death sentence).

Things will improve. Its very early for you. Give it a year or two and you'll feel a lot better. The more 'life' you have of your own, the better you will recover.

IsNotGold Thu 22-Dec-16 08:56:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

essieestherson Thu 22-Dec-16 10:15:32

My husband cheated on me multiple times last year. I have not left him for many reasons....had our third dc in August, just bought house together etc.... things seem to have improved vastly but I feel like it's a bit of a ticking time bomb before it all happens again, only this time he'll be more careful and won't get caught.

Most days things are okay but the anger and distrust is always there and it comes up every time we have any argument. (It's been 9 months since I found out)

I'm always waiting (and almost hoping) that's something will happen again though, so that I'll know for sure that he cannot change and can move on with my life!

It's not a great place to be !

hellsbellsmelons Thu 22-Dec-16 11:01:06

How long is a piece of string?
Really... there is no time frame.
The anger will last for quite some time.
I still get a bit pissed off when I think about what my ExH did.
And that was 6+ years ago and I hardly ever see him.

Time, is how long it takes, lots and lots of time.
You have a whole grieving stage to go through yet.

After 15 years together it took me a year before I was starting to fully get over it.
Cry when you want, be strong when you need to be.
I hope the Anti-D's kick in soon.

How long were you together?

It's a shit shit shit time.
There's nothing anyone can say here that will make you feel any better right now.
But.... you really will get over it.
There are hundreds of women on here who can vouch for that fact.

Get your loving family and friends around as much as possible.
Keep busy.
And... look after yourself!

Adora10 Thu 22-Dec-16 11:08:34

It never really goes away but it eases as time goes on, the trust is broken, it can't be repaired, you can go on to have a better relationship but that only works if you are both 100% committed; I always feel people who cheat for a length of time are really not committed to that person and you are left feeling second best - so, unless the cheater pulls out all stops to make things better, improve communication and in time, regain that trust, it's pointless carrying on as it just kills your self esteem and makes you feel more angry.

Take your time, wait until Xmas is over and then take as long as you need to decided if YOU want to give him another chance; sometimes it can be a wake up call to end the relationship...

sophiestew Thu 22-Dec-16 11:13:42

With me, the turning point came when I stopped thinking about him, what he did and why etc, and started thinking about me.

I will be honest, it took months before he was no longer the last thing I thought of at night and the first thing in the morning, but eventually I rarely thought of him at all and the pain subsided.

Can you start making plans for yourself and your wonderful new life without this selfish tosspot? It can be something small (or something huge!) but really being kind to yourself and treating yourself as "special" will help flowers

timelytess Sat 24-Dec-16 16:26:32

25 years timeless? Surely you need counselling or therapy
smile Thanks for the flowers. No, I didn't need therapy for the end of my marriage - he was an abusive, unpleasant man and his affair gave me the excuse I needed to get rid of him and have people 'on my side'. I've had plenty of counselling for other stuff, though. I love getting better, its ace.

friendshipstruggle Sat 24-Dec-16 16:44:59

For me it was a few months. Maybe 6 at most? But, although the affair shocked and upset me, he didn't break my heart. I never wanted him back. I kicked him out, bought him out and got divorced asap. I met her, she apologised, it helped me put it behind me and forgive. For myself. But I was "lucky" that they both treated my feelings with respect. I'm also not much of a grudge holder.

Lovemusic33 Sat 24-Dec-16 18:26:17

Oh I don't want him back, I am very angry, discussed, I still have feelings for him but also hate him. I know it will get better, I have split with several partners and it has been hard but this is the first time I have been cheated on, as soon as I knew what he had done his stuff was out the door.

RockyBird Sat 24-Dec-16 18:47:34

For me the anger lasted 2.5 years, then I dumped his sorry ass.

I'd unfortunately won the pick me dance sad

The second I binned him the anger and insecurity disappeared and, Brucie Bonus, I wasn't an insecure wreck with the next guy.

janaus Sat 24-Dec-16 19:39:33

It's like a roller coaster of emotions, anger, hate, sad, grief. 15 months on, and I still live with these feelings every day. I wish you all the best.

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