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Mismatched sex drives -making it work?(7 Posts)
My husband has an unbelievably low drive, we've tested and it's apparently not hormonal. I'm reaching the end of my tether - what do people do that make it work, I need help dealing with me emotions around it all. Id love to hear from people in the situation that are managing.
I feel so lonely. I crave intimacy, I probabky have a higher than normal sex drive, and a real craving for closeness. Especially sexual intimacy. I want that intimacy to spill out into everything else. In the rare times we do have sex and we feel connected the rest of life feels so much more manageable.
I want to be able to cuddle up at the end of a long say, I want to feel desired and wanted. I want to be able to arouse desire in a partner and feel that desire recipricated. I want to feel loved. I want that connection. I want someone whose interested in my sexual needs and I am so very happy to please a partner (if anything tending towards Dom/sub given half a chance. V willing to please, explore etc).
I feel like ive given all I can, that I try everything as a partner. But that I'm rejected. I could sit and arouse him manually land he'd just be appreciative and say "that felt nice" as if it was a gentle massage. We'll go ages without sex, I'm not sure he ever initiates. If I initate he's often not interested and I feel so rejected.
Im not sure I'm explaining this well. Ive never really talked about it aside from with him before.
At the end of the day we're mismatched. Id love to be with someone with a high drive, a desire to experiment a little and I'd so love someone who initiates, that I could arouse and please etc. What I have is someone who just isn't interested and doesn't have that drive.
We're married, kids. I love him as a person aside from this. I want us to work. I want to grow up as a family. I dont want to look outside the relationship (although I do at low times fantasise about them growing up and us going separate ways and me meeting someone I'm more compatible with. Reality is by then I'd be fat and depressed and given up my career for his and not attractive to the type I fancy!)
I know full well if a bloke posts this then he's told to just deal with it, you can't make someone want sex etc. I dont want to pressure him, I want to be desired
How can I handle these emotions? It's beginning to cause some real problems between us.
Sorry that was longer and ramblier than intended
I think looking back he's always had a low drive. We're ex Christians and he'd come from that world ( although not particularly religious), I assumed when we met he'd not had a partner before as he'd come out for that world.. We had a kid before I realised that it probably wasn't going to change much. The second was almost a miracle. The one time we had set in about a year. Since the snip it got better (no condoms/fear of pregnancy) and there have been times where it's been good and okay sex and I've been excited it can.all.work. Sex has felt good but party because I'm relieved/ excited by the future but within a week or two it's back to disinterest and the cycle continues.
With hindsight I should never have got in this position but I'm here...
There's been periods he's been keen to explore kinking things and he seems keen. So he's not entirely asexual. It's just it doesn't last. I can curl up and offer a bj and he thinks it's "nice". Might even thank me before offering a cup of tea.
There is a site called Marriage Builders that takes some pretty sensible approaches to things.
Here is a link to some articles on it articles It's from a Christian-ish perspective, which might help. But not dogmatic.
Basically, as you do have a good relationship/it has worked at times, there is hope. It could be about clearly communicating to him what your emotional needs are- so he sees sex as being about meeting your emotional needs not sexual needs. That it's about intimacy, affection etc as well as sex.
There's a whole framework on the site, including a questionnaire on discovering what each person's priority emotional needs are. You probably have slightly different emotional needs.
If how you have sex can be seen as being about intimacy/affection/admiration/attractiveness, it might be able to see it as meeting one need for you but another for him. This might change how you have sex e.g. Talk more beforehand to ensure it genuinely meets those different needs for each of you.
Anyway, that's a big simplification. Have a look at the site. You'd need to both be willing to work through that together. At the very least you could end up with a clearer picture of what one another's needs are, which can only help.
I'll have a look later, thanks. It sounds interesting in itself.
I think his problem is even though he can see sex "works" for me he just doesn't desire it/want to do it particularly so doesn't start and then the rest follows. It just doesn't go anywhere
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