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Should I stay and have children or not?

(18 Posts)
Dcdc1982 Wed 21-Dec-16 09:29:55

Hi all,

I am 34 years of age, I turned that age a few months back. I am in a relationship and I am currently engaged.

We have been together for almost four years however over the past few years things haven't been the same. I fear slowly but surely the spark we had between us has gone and now I'm left feeling unhappy and confused.

I have recently been suffering from manxiety. The want/yearning inside me to be a dad has grown ten fold over the past few years. This is mainly because three years ago my brother had his first "biological child". He is adorable and I've always wanted 2 children.

Just over a year into my relationship things were going great so we decided that I would sell my house and buy one between us. On the day of moving into the house I proposed to my partner and she said yes. She had wanted to be engaged. She has said that she wanted nothing more than to be engaged and a ring on her finger would make her happy.

However around 2 months later this changed and she wanted to get married sooner than what I wanted. She wasn't happy that I didn't want to get married before she was 30. It was like she felt that if she wasn't married before 30 it would be the end. I explained that we needed to save for it, pay of credit cards and save. However she didn't agree. As we both became more stubborn my other half became nasty and said some very horrible things which hurt deeply. Things like "if you won't marry me before I am 30 I'll go and find someone that will" and other similar hurtful comments. Rather than her loving me it felt like she hated me. Her comments cut into me like a knife.

This coupled with a lot of stress over money, being investigated at work for something (wrongly accused I may add) and the threat of her leaving me made me poorly. The stress built up and I became ill. I got diagnosed as having problems with my appendix and had to have it out. The doctor said that whilst they don't know what causes problems stress is linked to it quite a bit.

Unfortunately my other half pushed me away even further. She spoke to me like rubbish in hospital and any visitor I had she felt I was replacing her with them and that I didn't need her to look after me.

After a week in hospital and 1 operation later I came out of hospital, the investigation was finalised, the complaint found to be rubbish and closed and everything seemed okay for a month.

However when I returned to work her behaviour started again. My job means that I work shifts, normally working all evening and all night. Not seeing her for two days made me miss her, I was getting lovely text messages saying how much she missed me and wanted to see me but when i got to see her the first evening she would push me away. I would feel like I was walking on egg shells. It started again as soon as we started to talk about the wedding pushing me away, holding me at arms length, verbally lashing out.

We began to discuss the wedding eventually agreeing on a date I had suggested but not until more horrible comments were made by her to me. One of them being "I'll remember this day when I'm walking into church as the day you made me wait and I'll hate you for it".

Her hurtful comments broke my heart. I loved her and wanted to marry her but felt that paying off the debt was more important and wanted to set our lives on the straight and narrow.

Now I'm not looking for excuses as the next part of my story was wrong and my fault but because I was being pushed away I got chatting to someone I used to date. She was single and lonely. She had a little girl of 5. I knew that it was wrong to text her. Even more so much when the texts became flirty. However after a week I realised that I was wrong for texting this woman so explained to her I couldn't text her no more and stopped.

The stress levels I was feeling were ripping me apart. My other half would talk to me about money which was stressing me out massively. She would talk to me about how I was feeling. Some big bills came in, £600 for gas and electric, £950 for council tax, £440 water bills. It was to much for me to cope with.

She then demanded a holiday with what money I had saved. I needed/wanted the holiday too. However I like to get the best deal possible so I wanted to hold on till the cheapest price came around. This caused arguements too. She claimed I thought more of money than I did her.

As a result of all the stress of debt, texting this woman and the guilt I felt, pressure of the wedding, holiday and a few other things I began to start to shake. Physically at the start it was just my hands. It felt wierd. I eventually couldn't cope with holding everything inside and having no one else to talk to so went and spoke to my parents. Cap in hand I asked them for fincial help. I felt so embarrassed.

The stress got to me and I broke down. I started having nasty anxiety attacks. I couldn't cope at work, getting angry a split seconds notice, I was irratble, sad, randomly in tears. The shakes moved to my chest.

Then one day I woke up and my whole body was shaking. I went into work. An hour later I had a nervous break down and got sent home. My mum took me to see the doctors and he diganosed me as having ptsd, stress, depression and anxiety. I was mentally shutting down. For the first time in my life I was out on anti depressants. I was given medication for anxiety too. I was put on the sick.

A few months passed, we went on holiday and things seemed to pick up. She was happy. As was I, I went back to work on a phased return to work. 3 days after being back full time i fell over at work breaking both my arms and went back on the sick again.

The day I fell I was called in hospital by my partner who blamed me for falling over, she told me I had ruined her weekend and ruined her Christmas.

Since then, over a year ago things haven't been the same between us. My anxiety has come and gone as I've tried to pick up the courage to leave her. Each time as we have spoke seeing her so upset has changed my mind.

Now I'm worried that if I do leave her I will be told old to find someone and settle down. I've always wanted children. I wanted them in my early 30's. I always dreamed that i would have been married by now with at least 1 child and another on the way.

I'm 34, I want children but I do not want to be an old Dad. Someone that can not enjoy the life of the child. My parents had children when they were 30-33. My brother at 33!

My anxiety over my decision is through the roof and although I'm on medication to stop the shakes it does not stoop the ticking inside me. It does not stop the thoughts in my head telling me that if I leave, I won't be having children. I'll be told old, to old in my head to have kids. The thought of the prospect of having a 10 year old at 50 scares me and I don't know why.

I need peoples thoughts on what to do. Stay and try and make it work. Force myself to be happy! Have children or start again.

Anyone's help and thoughts would be most appreciated...

ShatnersWig Wed 21-Dec-16 09:34:23

If all this is accurate, leave this woman immediately. You cannot love someone who abuses you, and she clearly does not love you. You cannot possibly consider bringing children into this relationship. You can still have kids in 5, 10, 15, 20 years' time with someone as a man, Get the fuck out now (and I normally never say LTB).

SolomanDaisy Wed 21-Dec-16 09:35:11

Solely on the children front, having a child when you are quite seriously mentally ill sounds a lot more scary than having a child at fifty. There's no point hanging around in a relationship that makes you miserable if that's the only reason.

Christmascheerful Wed 21-Dec-16 09:35:48

This relationship isnt making either of you happy. Its not worth having a baby if the relationship is already under pressure which it is.
do you ACTUALLY make each othet happy? If not then....being blun...why would you want to bring a child into an unhappy relationship

34 isnt old btw

WelliesAndPyjamas Wed 21-Dec-16 09:37:21

You're unhappy in that relationship. It doesn't sound like either of you can fix it. Why stay? Why bring children in to that horrible environment? They deserve happiness, not to be used to try amd fix your relationship.

Leave. There are lots of single people out there, lots of ways of meeting them. If you become happier and meet someone else, then that's great. If you don't, well at least you are not putting you, your dp, and your potential kids through a lifetime of misery.

Bobkinyoyo Wed 21-Dec-16 09:39:34

You're a bloke, you don't have the biological clock. My dad was 40 when I was born and 52 when my sister was born.

If you aren't happy leave.

SkyLucy Wed 21-Dec-16 09:47:01

This all sounds truly horrendous. Having a child together is so not the answer - ignoring the (huge) issue of bringing a child into such unhappy circumstances, you need to think about the impact on your already difficult relationship. How will you (both) cope with trying for a baby? What if it's a struggle? What if it happens, but the pregnancy's difficult? (Or just normal - that's stressful enough!) etc. etc.

You really aren't too old to start again. I suspect you feel so negative about the prospect because you've had a rough time and your confidence is low. I'm expecting our first child and my partner is 37 - he didn't want to be an 'old dad' either....and he won't.

Mungobungo Wed 21-Dec-16 09:48:17

Your partner sounds like a manipulative cow imo. She's pushing for you to spend more and more money on her yet has the brass neck to tell you that you think more about money than her?

She's pushing you into a wedding that you can't yet afford because she wants you do it by the time she's 30, and if you don't marry her, she'll find someone else...? She's a brat. Stop enabling her and start looking after yourself. She has no respect for you whatsoever other than what you can provide for her financially and in luxuries. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you so stressed and unhappy?

Also, this whole 'I want kids before I'm X years old' business is rubbish. I wanted to have 4 kids and have had at least 2 of the NHS by the time i was 30. I'm now 33 and infertile. life has other plans for all of us sometimes and in you're situation I'd say it's far better to be older and wiser and with someone loving who you can raise a kid with as a family rather than being tied to someone who by the sounds of it, will use you a son a portable cash point and if you didn't stay together after the kid was born, would use the child as a weapon against you.
No child deserves to be brought into that. So please stop thinking about timelines and how your life should have been. It's not that way and perhaps it's not for a reason?

Get out of this awful relationship and stop making both of you miserable. Life is waaaay too short to spend it with someone who doesn't make you happy.

baggysoobs Wed 21-Dec-16 09:49:50

Hi there, well that sounds like you've been having a terrible time of it.
You are still young. And a guy. You have lots of time to meet someone.
Loads of guys don't settle till at least 40 and seem to have no problems finding women (and often considerably younger women too)
This relationship does not sound healthy. Engagement really does not need to mean inevitable wedding if someone shows their true colours to be unkind and unloving.
You would do yourself and any children a favour by not bringing them into this relationship. There will be time.for.you.to.heal, meet the.right.person, then have children. But that does not need to be and should not be.forced.

Featherybum Wed 21-Dec-16 10:03:54

Honestly, leave. You deserve better and I am sure you will find better and it may happen much faster than you think. There are so many women out there and time is on your side. Being a child in an unhappy marriage is no fun and if she behaves this badly towards you now this early on in your relqtionship what would she be like with your children, what would she be like to live with in 5 or 10 years time?

KindDogsTail Wed 21-Dec-16 10:05:39

You should leave the relationship, clear your debts and use some money from your salary if you can for long term counselling for yourself, as it sounds as though you are quite a troubled person and lacking in confidence. This bad relationship might have been a mirror to that and you could get into another similar one of you do not get yourself on a healthier footing.

You love children, so I am sure you would not want to bring children into a this bad relationship where, by your own admission, you are not well enough psychologically or financially to look after them and your partner does not respect you.

You could be a wonderful father in the future though - just not right here right now. When the time comes, you will find a partner better suited to you and still be young.

Isetan Wed 21-Dec-16 10:12:03

Have you not sought therapy for your anxieties? This woman is clearly someone you shouldn't be in a relationship with, let alone having children with.

Bringing children into a very unhappy relationship is selfish, talk to someone to help you leave this very damaging and toxic relationship. Isn't it better to be an older Dad, than mentally unwell one.

gamerchick Wed 21-Dec-16 10:16:55

Please don't have a baby with this woman. Any kids will be used as a weapon eventually.

Call it all off, if your mental health is as bad as your posting then it's time to remove a large part of stress in your life.

Enidblyton1 Wed 21-Dec-16 10:26:46

Poor you, you sound mentally completely drained.
Having children would not be a great idea right now because any problems/stress in your life will only increase once children come along.
Have you thought about some relationship counselling?
Otherwise, it sounds like you need a break from each other. I can see your concern though, because if you suggest time apart she will be really angry and it may mean the end of your relationship. However scary that feels now, it may be the best thing that could happen.
Do you have family or friends to talk to about this?

PickAChew Wed 21-Dec-16 10:29:56

It's ridiculously complicated, now. Can you imagine this relationship with children and all their needs thrown into the mix?

Walk away because you cannot spend the rest of your life like this.

jeaux90 Wed 21-Dec-16 15:42:45

Sounds horrendous. I suffered with anxiety and panic attacks when I was married. My husband was very similar to your fiancé. Very demanding, always screaming at me over irrational things etc.

My panic attacks stopped when I divorced him and had a quiet life for a while when I could just focus on work and relationships with my family and friends who cared about me.

Sell the house, clear the debts and get some peace back in your life by finishing this stressful relationship.

As other posters have said you are still young and have plenty of time for kids. Weak relationships are not made better by kids. She sounds a bit batshit if I'm honest!

ThisThingCalledLife Wed 21-Dec-16 20:39:03

My feeling is she's doing a number on you and has chosen her 'victim' well.
An older man who desperately wants to 'settle down', who has a good income, who is easily manipulated, who cannot stand up for himself.
I don't mean this in a nasty way, this is how predators like her think.

I think she sees you as a financial 'opportunity/provider' for her.
Buying a house together after one year?!!!! (Wow, she used that 'honeymoon' period to her full advantage!)
Usually it's best to rent and do the 'practice' run before you invest in buying property.

So, she got her hooks into you- did you go 50/50 on purchasing the house?
Is it in both your names?
Is your contribution protected in the event of the relationship ending?

She then starts pressuring you and emotionally blackmailing you into marrying her.....because that's when she acquires 'rights' to all that you own - meaning money, property, your earning capacity.
She will then have carte blanche to show you ALL her real colours.

Sorry, but i don't think she loves you at all....based upon her actions and words.
She is treating you like shit - is this how you want to be treated forever?
Do you want any child of yours to be treated like this?

I hope you've not had unprotected sex with her recently, if you i suggest you use a condom.
I wouldn't put it past her to trick you into fatherhood if she thinks her hold over you is weakening.

This is not the kind of woman who is worth having children with.
As for the future, you don't know what it holds.
You could end up meeting someone wonderful and having a family of your own in the next coupe of years....but you need to get rid of this toxic gold-digger first.

Newbrummie Wed 21-Dec-16 20:59:43

Leave, for her sake as much as yours. She isn't happy either and you both have time right now to find other people and be happy

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