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I really don't like my parents

(11 Posts)
crazydoglady6867 Wed 21-Dec-16 08:44:24

Due to a very long story involving my parents enabling an abuser in my childhood and later on denying me the opportunity to report him, then finding out my mother stole money from her ill brother on his deathbed, i broke all physical contact with my parents 2 years ago. I do not see them at all, I send them cards and gifts on Birthdays etc but just to keep the peace, (I have a VERY volatile family) it is easier that way. Well today, they are coming to our business to deliver presents and I am dreading it, I really don't like them and really I don't think I even love them I can honestly say that I just buy them stuff to keep the family quiet as I know they will not leave me alone if I break all contact with them. They have to come to my business as they don't know where I have moved to and I like to keep it that way. What I am wanting to know really is am I making it worse by still sending stuff and answering texts etc or do you think it is best the way I am doing it. I haven't physically seen them since April 2015 and I have nothing to say to them, I just want to have a moan really about the position I have got myself into by saying they could come here and deliver stuff! Oh my , I hate Christmas and yet love it at the same time. Thanks for reading!!! smile

ARV1981 Wed 21-Dec-16 08:56:43

If they're coming to your business could a secretary or assistant hand over the gifts?

Then maybe stop sending them things. It sends mixed messages.

GerardNoWay Wed 21-Dec-16 09:01:58

That sounds really difficult.

I understand why you want to keep the peace by sending gifts and cards, etc but potentially that is keeping a door open that you don't necessarily need or want keeping open.

There's no easy answer to this. Either you go the whole hog and go full non-contact, phase out the cards and the gifts and don't rise to any provocation by family members. Or you go through the motions, as you are doing now and grin and bear it.

lovelearning Wed 21-Dec-16 09:05:14

an abuser in my childhood

crazydoglady6867, tell your parents today that you will be reporting this crime to the Police.

they will not leave me alone if I break all contact with them

They will.

crazydoglady6867, I wish you a Happy Christmas. x

Ladyformation Wed 21-Dec-16 09:40:54

Really sorry that you're in this position. Can I recommend that you search on Youtube for Siobhan Pyburn's channel? She's an abuse survivor and makes brilliant honest videos designed to support other survivors, and she's just done one on dealing with Christmas. Her advice is much better than anything I could say.

crazydoglady6867 Wed 21-Dec-16 09:40:56

love learning my abuser died in April 2013 and reporting this will not achieve anything, I only wish I had done it when he was alive, but alas, we live and learn. The story is so convoluted that I feel it is too long to enter into today, maybe I will find the strength to go full NC one day but my parents are both 80 years old and I am thinking it may never have to come to that. For now I know I need to grin and bear this visit today and just get on with my life after, what will iprobably be 1 hour tops out of my life. I will don my big girl pants and do it!! Merry Christmas to you all, thank you for reading my post I just needed to tell it to someone.x

crazydoglady6867 Wed 21-Dec-16 09:43:07

I will check out that you tube stuff, thanks

Fireside90 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:41:09

The best way to deal with abusive people is just to go full no contact. It sounds like that's what you want and I see no reason why you can't do that. You can block them on your phone, email etc. And if they start harassing/stalking you at work then you can file a restraining order. Tell them you don't want them coming to deliver the presents and why if you want/haven't already told them. And that you don't want to see them again. They have caused you a lot of pain by the sounds of it and have been emotionally abusive/implicit in abuse towards you. And they continue to cause you more pain by still being in contact with them when you really don't want to.

You don't owe these people anything. They are toxic for you and abusive. You didn't choose for them to be your family. I'm sorry about what you've been through. It will make you're healing easier if you go no contact as it's understandably bothering you to see them etc. It's up to you but it really sounds like you don't want to be in contact with them which given the circumstances is the option. You don't know how long they will live for. As I said just do what's right for you. You've been through enough already. Just look after yourself and do what you think is best for yourself. It really sounds like you'd feel better once you cut contact with them and don't have to see them anymore? Don't let anyone or anything intimidate, scare, pressure or guilt you into being in contact with anyone who is toxic for you basically.

lovelearning Wed 21-Dec-16 12:03:35

enabling an abuser
reporting this will not achieve anything

Your parents were accessories to the abuse!

crazydoglady6867, you deserve justice.

Report the crime.

Hissy Wed 21-Dec-16 18:07:56

My love, you're not alone!

There's the stately Homes thread and this seasonal one.

You don't have to do anything you don't want. You can go nc if you want, and the volatile arse holes are just what the police are for.

Feel free to call it a day.

Feel free to report. There's no limit to when you can no longer seek justice

We're all here for you

crazydoglady6867 Wed 21-Dec-16 19:43:02

It's nice on here, I feel I can say stuff without judgement. The visit happened and lasted exactly 3 minutes! They came in asked me how my dog was as she had an operation scar and put the gifts down, said we can see you're busy so we won't stay! That was just about as good as it could have been. I think I will build up to posting my story soon as I think this is the place where I can say what I feel without fear of a backlash, you all seem very kind here. One thing that became apparent today though was I clearly have no feelings for them at all, I pulled away when they wanted to kiss me goodbye and that was a turning point for me today. My big girl pants are back in the drawer and I am free to enjoy my Christmas with my DH and DS, DD and DSon

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