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I guess I should leave....?

(90 Posts)
atlsoul Wed 21-Dec-16 05:05:53

Hello. And thank you for reading this. I appreciate any help and feedback.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have raised two children (the youngest is 16).

In 2013 I lost my job and we moved across the country to another city for my new job. They were so incredibly unhappy that they moved back to the city which we move from after 1 year. I have been traveling back and forth every weekend for 3 years to see them.

In the process of this separation, we have grown apart. Our interests have changed, we have become emotionally separated. And, the usual line applies: I love her, but I am not in love with her. 2+ years of separation has caused us to drift.

I am the breadwinner for the family. She has a job at the local school where they live, but it is more for something to do than for the money, as it only pays around $13k per year.

In the course of her being there and me being here, I have met someone else and become involved in a relationship with her. In my loneliness, and in my desire for companionship, the two of us have developed a love over time. I already know that this is something I should not have done, but it is where I am.

What this has caused me to realize is that I am a different person than I was several years ago. I am not angry or upset with my wife. I do not wish her any ill will. We have just both changed as people, and it feels as though we are staying together out of obligation, rather than because we want to be together. She is not happy with me, and I am not happy with her. We are not UNhappy, we just are not happy.

So now I face this situation where I have become involved with someone over a period of 1 year and developed a love relationship that is deep. I know it is wrong. If anything, I should have left my wife and then figured out what I want. But this is where I am, and have done what I have done.

I am no longer attracted to my wife. Not just because of the usual weight gain, but as a person. Our interests are so different now. We are such different people. I do not want to spend time with her, even before meeting my current girlfriend. I just dread the time that I do have to spend with her.

My question is this: Am I just experiencing some sort of mid-life crisis where my perception is warped, or do I just need to move on? And if I need to move on, is it with my girlfriend, or just move on because I am no longer in love with my wife?

Before anyone takes the time and effort to point out that I am a bastard or a coward, please know that I already realize that. I just want to figure out what to do from this point forward.

Thank you for any insight and advice that you all may have.

pklme Wed 21-Dec-16 05:12:19

I can only answer for myself, and a lot of people would disagree. You have a wife, a family. That is where your loyalty and priority should be.

Have you discussed with her what she wants out of life? I'm not saying you should tell her about your affair, but you are a unit and what you do affects her and your son hugely. You don't get to make this decision about you, it is about your whole family. Find out.

Joinednow Wed 21-Dec-16 05:41:14

Do her a favour and do the only decent thing you can and divorce her so she can find her own happiness.

atlsoul Wed 21-Dec-16 05:47:36

Thank you all for the responses thus far.
One item I intended to include is that I intend to leave them everything from an assets perspective. I have worked my entire adult life (I am 48) to provide for them, and from my perspective, it is all for them and all theirs.

Gallavich Wed 21-Dec-16 05:51:19

Leaving your wife is your only option now. Unless you want to end the affair, tell your wife and do everything required for her to forgive you - but you don't want to do that because you aren't committed to your wife anymore.
You have no option other than leave her. The girlfriend is incidental.

Joinednow Wed 21-Dec-16 05:52:58

How very generous of you! Some might be of the view that she saved you thousands in childcare which allowed you to pursue your career and as such she's entitled to half your assets anyway

Helloooooitsme Wed 21-Dec-16 05:57:47

You don't like your wife and you are in love with someone else. It's obvious. Divorce.

Motherfuckers Wed 21-Dec-16 05:58:34

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tsonlyme Wed 21-Dec-16 06:05:36

You know her wage is low because she's running around looking after your children half the time, don't you? 🙄 It's not just something for her to do, you prick.

lovelearning Wed 21-Dec-16 06:07:30

She is not happy with me, and I am not happy with her.

atlsoul, tell your wife you want a divorce. Discuss the future with her. Try not to incur huge legal costs. If at all possible, sort the details of the divorce out privately.

SelfCleaningVagina Wed 21-Dec-16 06:17:33

As the wise ones of MN say to women all the time on here, you are entitled to leave any relationship, at any time, for any reason that makes sense to you.

I assume that applies to men as well.

MsJamieFraser Wed 21-Dec-16 06:18:52

What are you not happy with your wife for, she's the innocent party here she has every right to be angry that you are having an affair, you should have done the right thing and ended divorced your wife before having an affair!

Your wife should be divorcing you!

janaus Wed 21-Dec-16 06:25:54

Well done, had to mention weight gain. Loser, looked in the mirror lately?

DollyPlastic Wed 21-Dec-16 06:27:54

Yep. You're a prick.

Please tell her so she can confirm what she no doubt already knows.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Dec-16 06:39:04

How banal

End your marriage. Tell your wife the truth.

namechange102 Wed 21-Dec-16 06:50:44

Don't you think your wife was ever lonely while you were away? Did she have an affair and 'fall in love' with someone else (deliberately cheating over an extended period of time, no less)? What a loser hmm

hesterton Wed 21-Dec-16 06:55:04

Keep notes so that when your next partner gets fat, it will be easier for you to do your usual things with less angst.

sofato5miles Wed 21-Dec-16 06:59:47

Look, you are not the first and won't be the last but you still have choices. Often people don't have the courage to leave relationships that are stale and it is only the catalyst of meeting someone else that changes the dynamic.

I would tell your wife honestly where you are now, emotionally. She may want to leave you, she may want to forgive you. You may be surprised how her response triggers makes you want her back.

Living as you are now is not working.

Frollyhollyday Wed 21-Dec-16 06:59:56

Tell your wife how badly you have behaved so she's under no illusion that this is in any way her fault for being unhappy with your initial move, "the usual weight gain", or giving up her career to raise your family. These 3 attacks on your wife could have been discussed 2 years earlier rather than you behaving like a coward now. This is not why you had an affair but your cowardice is. I hope the ow knows you well.

Shame on you OP.

IsNotGold Wed 21-Dec-16 07:25:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluebelle38 Wed 21-Dec-16 07:30:38

You are not a good man. You should have ended the marriage before the affair. You are a coward as well. She's ebtitled to half your assets. Will your girlfriend still want you then?

IsNotGold Wed 21-Dec-16 07:39:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rubberubberduckduck Wed 21-Dec-16 07:50:28

She deserves far better than a cheating husband.

You are a disgrace.

Leave her so she can find someone who will truly care about her, rather than her being with someone that is treating her like scum.

Arse hole.

namechange102 Wed 21-Dec-16 07:54:50

Hmm, yes, OP stated that he's leaving all the assets on here (to a bunch of internet strangers from whom he's apparently seeking sympathetic advice). I hope you stick to that when your wife is having a go at you for being an unfaithful bastard, and you realise how many outgoings you'll have setting up a second home for yourself and OW (if she even wants a more permanent relationship with you).
Of course you and your wife developed different interests spending so much time apart. How much effort did you put into the relationship when you were back on the weekend? Or were you busy looking forward to getting back to your exciting, fresh, relationship with your gf? Yes, this does sound like a sad midlife crisis.

Isetan Wed 21-Dec-16 09:24:07

Sorry to break it to you but you and your justifications for cheating are cliches, do you seriously think that your, 'I love but I'm not in love' rhetoric hasn't been trotted out by other liars and cheats to justify/excuse/mitigate their shitty behaviour before? Come on, you can't be that clueless.

You admit that you are not in love with your wife and by your actions, you don't respect her much either, so what's the dilemma? Is it that you don't want to end your marriage and be seen as the bad guy or that you don't want the ending of your happy family charade.

If you love your wife as much as you say you do then show her some respect by stopping the lies. Should you be with your OW, don't know and don't care, the past has happened, you're a cheat, nothing you say or do can undo that. However, the woman you made vows to surely deserves more than a continuation of your piss poor behaviour towards her.

Your OP was all about you and your wants, there was very little though or insight into the effects your betrayal will have on your wife. If you're better than this, then start acting like it, by owning it and doing better.

Acting like a shit is a choice and a conscious one at that.

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