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How do you get over the betrayal?

(13 Posts)
loser102 Tue 20-Dec-16 23:15:41

I'm just wondering if anyone has any tips on how to move on and stop obsessing about stbxh.
He left me for another woman although nothing came of it and he is now with somebody else entirely. We are on ok terms as we have dc together.
I just can't seem to get past the betrayal, I struggle to trust people and obviously trusted him when he swore he would always love me, we were soul mates etc. I am trying to stay on good terms for The sake of the dc but it makes me so angry every time I see him that he has done this to me so flippantly and moved on so easily.
Has anyone been in a similar position? What helped you to move past it?

devilinme Tue 20-Dec-16 23:21:50

I've realised as I get older that those who have betrayed me, the signs were there all along, however, I just refused to see them.

SuiteHarmony Tue 20-Dec-16 23:31:31

The impact on me is that I now exercise caution in all my relationships bar that with the children. I have a permanent 'game face' on, and hold back where I didn't before. It impacted on my willingness to be forthcoming with friends, family, strangers, etc. There is a mask I use in my dealings with ExH; it's not always successful and sometimes it slips (less now than a year ago). Outing your anger to him won't help you; it will disempower you in your dealings with him. Shut down any conversations that are not about the children. How long ago did he leave you? Personally I found that making myself available for dates made me less obsessed with the past relationship. Rediscovering my libido changed me completely.

loser102 Tue 20-Dec-16 23:44:15

He left about six months ago. I find myself constantly wanting to tell him how I feel in terms of what a shit thing he has done.

devilinme Tue 20-Dec-16 23:58:48

First thing you need to do is change your username from LOSER.

You are not a loser

Don't bother telling him what a shit thing he's done, or how bad you feel that will only further your sense of victim/loser mentality and you'll never get past it.

Go somewhere you can't be heard and scream all the obscenities you like about him, as if he was there. Get it out.

Start with this

mushroomsontoast Wed 21-Dec-16 00:36:56

It took me a long time to get over the feeling that he had never properly apologised or acknowledged the impact of his actions on me and the DC. It's been 2.5 years and although I still have my moments I've kind of accepted he never will, at least not to my face. Maybe one day when the DC are grown up he'll look back and realise what a shit he was, I don't know.

The best revenge is living well. Make a nice life for yourself and the DC.

SuiteHarmony Wed 21-Dec-16 00:40:49

It is PERFECTLY NORMAL to have those feelings. I had them: they burn you up. But what you do with them is where you can derive strength. Own your feelings. Talk them out with a counsellor or kind, patient friend. Fight them out of your body. Do not let them disempower you. I know what it's like; truly I do. You need an outlet for your feelings: however you work it, don't let the audience for that outlet be him. I get you want to communicate that fury to the one who caused it, but doing so will make you feel the feelings are devalued.

loser102 Wed 21-Dec-16 21:29:26

Thanks all, some really good advice. I've got my first counselling session in a couple of weeks so hopefully that will help.
How are your relationships with your exes now? Did you manage to stay on good terms?

alvinp Wed 21-Dec-16 23:46:04

My ex betrayed me terribly, the full works followed by the Script. I left her and met a lovely woman, she too found a new partner (not OM). Now, strangely, we all get on pretty well.

donajimena Wed 21-Dec-16 23:56:06

It will go I promise you. I actually am grateful for it (the betrayal) in a way. As devilinme says the signs were there but I ignored them. I do appreciate that this isn't always the case but have you had any 'penny drop' moments where you felt something didn't add up? This is why I feel strangely grateful.
I'm with someone else now completely different to my cheating ex. I told myself at the first inkling of something I'd be off.
I still would be off.

ravenmum Thu 22-Dec-16 06:10:02

Same here as mushroom.

It's just gradually got less and less. Now when I do think about how thoughtless he is, it is not so much with anger - more with exasperation or shaking my head at his twattiness. I don't have to have too much to do with him, fortunately.

mickyblueyes Thu 22-Dec-16 11:34:58

"How are your relationships with your exes now? Did you manage to stay on good terms?"

I tried to be 'Friends' with my x-wife (I left her and divorced her when i discovered her affair). Part of the "Lets stay friends' was driven by, I suspect was that she wanted to maintain her 'perfect' image and say to people..."I cheated, I was wrong, but look we are all good friends no harm done"

I really tried to go along with this, but I can't forgive her, her betrayal, lies, tearing our family apart and I realised that I don't want a person like this in my life anymore, friends don't do that other friends, let alone a partner or spouse.

I gradually realised the less time I see her the better, the less communication we have the better as far as I'm concerned, It's been a gradual process over the last 3 years of letting her go and moving on with my life. I told her all along that if she ever cheated it would be a deal breaker on my part and I followed that through. We have children together and communication is necessary for the kids sake, but if we didn't have children I would rather never see her again.

My advice, minimise contact and as others have said move on an live your life, you deserve better than what he did to you.

SuiteHarmony Thu 22-Dec-16 23:12:10

'Did you manage to stay on good terms?'

He would see it as yes, thanks to his perseverance. I would say it as a cautious yes thanks to my determined ignoring of his attention-seeking and despite his perseverance. We have four young children together, though.

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