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My husband of 10 years is having an affair what would you do

(16 Posts)
Flossposs Tue 20-Dec-16 22:52:20

I've just found out through a long series of (very lovelorn) text messages on our shared mobile.
I can't believe how Cliché the situation is she is a colleague of his 10 yrs younger than me.
We have 2 DS age 4&8. Our relationship has been shaky - difficult 2nd pregnancy plus additions on his part - dpoe/gambeling/tabbacco - we have been doing counselling and he has for the last year quit everything and been clean. And often happy in a great relationship(I thought)
Now this I feel so betrayed not just by the affair but all the support I've given him only for him to replace the additions with this.
We have previously discussed divorcing but he's come out absolutely against - so I've put my heart into making it 'work'.
I'm frightened he's going to make it difficult to divorce him even after this. Try to buy me off with promises - but I don't think I can trust him again. Any advice appreciated. I'm still in shock.

herwegoagain123 Tue 20-Dec-16 23:08:15

OMG you have my sympathy. Seems he replaces his addictions with something else and always will. He needs something else all the addictive personality. I would bide my time and think about what you do next.

herwegoagain123 Tue 20-Dec-16 23:10:07

Remember you don't have to help him. He has treated your efforts with contempt.

Flossposs Tue 20-Dec-16 23:12:59

Thank you so much I'm in bits x

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Wed 21-Dec-16 00:17:45

I would file for divorce.
no comeback from this, imo.

Saggingninja Wed 21-Dec-16 00:22:07

Oh you poor darling. You're probably in shock. There will be much better advice along in a minute but I would suggest not making any decisions just yet while you're in this shocked state. Think about what YOU want and even if you don't feel like it, take care of yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Hugs.

tallwivglasses Wed 21-Dec-16 00:34:36

One thing that helped me was thinking thank god I found out about it now - not 5,10, 20 years later. My heart always goes out to women who post on here who have to go through this shit after decades of marriage.

Sending positive vibes, OP. You'll be okay.

elephantoverthehill Wed 21-Dec-16 00:38:45

Just walk.

AddToBasket Wed 21-Dec-16 00:49:46

Don't tell him you know yet.

Get all the financial information you need first.

Everstrong Wed 21-Dec-16 12:02:33

I would have to walk away from him. It wouldn't matter to me that he doesn't want to divorce and he wants to work on things now.

It sounds as though he has to have some sort of addiction in his life, people wired that way can't change- it's something that they can manage but there will always be that undercurrent of addiction.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 21-Dec-16 14:39:05

Get screen shots of the messages, email them to yourself.
Get all the financial info you can.
What he earns, wage slips, joint and single account information.
Pension info, asset info, mortgage info if you have one.
Then contact a few family solicitors in your area and see if any do a free half hour.
Then go along and find out where you would stand if you were to separate.
I'd keep it close to my chest for now while I gather all the evidence and things I need.

You need to look after yourself.
Keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
Sugary tea, soups, ice lollies, anything to keep you going.
You are in shock and will have a crash soon enough so you'll need this to ensure you can carry on.

Do NOT go stalking her on the internet.
Do NOT do the 'pick me' dance with your shit of a husband.

Take your time, bide your time until you are ready to make a decision.
No knee jerk reactions.

Do try to talk to a friend, a non-judgmental one who won't go blabbing or judging you if you stay. But will give you hugs and lots of wine to drink as and when you need them.

So sorry this is happening.
Doubly awful at this time of year!

happychristmasbum Wed 21-Dec-16 15:17:57

So sorry - I would not stay with him. He has proven to be completely untrustworthy with no respect for you or your feelings. flowers

BarbarianMum Wed 21-Dec-16 15:32:10

<<We have previously discussed divorcing but he's come out absolutely against - so I've put my heart into making it 'work'>>

What a pity he put his elsewhere then. What a tosser.

In your position I would:
1. Tell him you need time to think (and he has to live elsewhere whilst you do this)
2. Do all the stuff hellsbells has listed above.
3. Survive Christmas with your boys - it won't be a very happy one I'm afraid but next year will be better.
4. Get a really good solicitor on Jan 1st.
5. Then tell him I was getting a divorce (he doesn't have to agree).

None of the above is as tough as continuing to live with this louse.

thenewaveragebear1983 Wed 21-Dec-16 15:48:16

Why would someone give their OW a mobile contact to a phone he shares with his wife???
He wanted you to find out I reckon, so you do all the decision making and the breaking up. I'd be out of that relationship op.
What a horrible time of year for this to happen.

Flossposs Wed 21-Dec-16 18:45:50

I have left with the boys and can stay with my mother - I've asked him to leave he won't/ has nowhere to go.
I can't believe how 'stupid' he's been - also realise he surly must have wanted me to find out? Yet he STILL wants to talk it through; the arrogance is astounding.
I have a rdv with my solicitor 3 Jan.
I can only do a transcript of the texts as he's taken our mobile.
Tosser yes - still I should be grateful I didn't have to wait 20 yrs to find out.
Still in shock, and have a sleeping pill for tonight.
I've really appreciate the comments that have helped counter the series of wounding texts flashing through my mind. Thanks.

ems137 Wed 21-Dec-16 19:10:54

Gosh what an tosser he is! I am so sorry. And why the hell would he leave texts like that on your shared phone?! What a cruel man.

As others have said really, get your head straight and start making some plans. It's always hard at first but think how free you'll feel in 6 months time when you only have yourself and 2 children to worry about and not a selfish ex druggie too

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