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I want to feel better about this now

(5 Posts)
welliesocks Tue 20-Dec-16 22:01:54

Am a regular but NC. Not sure what anyone can do but really feel I need to get this out. My dad left when I was a baby- I only saw him every now and again during my chidhood - sometimes once or twice a year then maybe not for a few years. He sometimes sent birthday/christmas card sometimes not. He'd remarried and had another dd when I was a teenager. After that I think I only saw him once.

Dm (who was abusive) also remarried and divorced again when I was a teen. She said he'd not want to see me after he had the new dd and this proved to be true. Dm died when I was in my 20s and after that I tried contacting 'd'F. Initially he was ok to speak to me, but he clearly found it quite awkward, and took to writing letters instead, occasionally emails. The trouble is they were just basically newsletters about his new dd (who was by then a teen) and everything he was doing with her sad In the end I tried to bring it up, that this was painful, that he wasn't around when I was growing up.

He took this really badly and sent me what I felt was a horrible letter, saying he'd met some nasty people in his time (I took this as his view of me?) but that he was neither good or bad, had been given a second chance (his new dd) and that was it, he was fine.

I felt like he had never 'seen' me, listened to me, and the whole thing made me feel worse than if I'd never got back in touch with him. This was years ago now. I was married at the time but exh left for OW (quite a few yrs ago)

I've had therapy but despite this I feel like on some level that I will never be 'good enough' for a man sad I want to move on from this, but how? I'm finding I don't even want to date these days as it just makes me feel crap. Thanks for reading all this if you've got this far.

Tiredbutnotyetretired Tue 20-Dec-16 22:28:05

You are seeking approval from an outside source (quite natural given this is your father you are talking about), but you really need to look within and find your true value in yourself.
Of course you are good enough and when you realise and value your own worth you won't need his approval no longer.
Maybe try a different therapist too? Some self help books? Meditation and self care?
Be kind to yourself and grow from there flowers

welliesocks Tue 20-Dec-16 23:40:07

thanks tired That's a good point and I agree, but overall I do like myself a lot more now and have had 2 therapists, CBT, and do meditate. Maybe the time of year is making it worse. I wonder how he can be like this I suppose. He knows I have dcs and has seemingly no interest in seeing them either. He knows I'm a single parent with no other family. He said that in his eyes, being a good dad to his new (now adult) dd has made up for not having done it the first time round confused

Angleshades Wed 21-Dec-16 06:25:53

flowers for you op. What a heart breaking read. Your df sounds awful and I wouldn't bother staying in touch with him if he's going to spout this rubbish to you. It sounds like you've been incredibly unlucky to have parents like this. You deserve so much more. They sound so selfish and wrapped up in their own conflicts and lives.

Somehow you've got to turn this around and be in charge of your own life. I know you've been incredibly hurt but you are the only one you can make yourself happy now going forward. Can you work with a counsellor so that you no longer seek validation from others? It won't be easy to put your past to one side but with time and effort you can find your own happiness.

You are definitely 'good enough' for a man but I wouldn't pursue a relationship until you have worked on raising your own confidence and are happy within yourself. Otherwise you could fall into some awful relationships.

welliesocks Wed 21-Dec-16 11:38:22

Thanks angleshades I won't see df again because he moved but didn't tell me where to. Even saying that makes me feel shame and I do need to work on my own worth, maybe with a counsellor again like you suggested. It has helped to write this down and try to look at it a bit more on here. MN is very supportive. I do need to work on my confidence. I' m happier out of relationships but at the same time would like one one day, but these issues tend to come up when I try

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