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Do you ever feel like checking out from your (extended) family?(4 Posts)
I don't feel I can keep doing this. My family are shit and i'm fed up. I'm not going to go into every little detail, would be way too long and boring, suffice to say I keep hurting and it's the same old story every time. It's also starting to slightly affect my DCs too as they are starting to notice and question it too. Its like we don't even have a family. We get no visitors, no messages to ask how we are doing, rarely a response when I do message, rarely a response when I invite people over.
I have my nan and step grandad that bother. I'm in touch with 1 sibling now and again, another I'm not really bothered about, 2 others I am but I have long come to the conclusion that they just aren't that bothered with me. Me and my DCs get texts for our birthdays, thats it apart from they do buy Christmas presents for my DCs, they tend to bother more with sibling 1 and each other including buying for birthdays etc. It's confusing because we all have different variations of parents between us but I've always considered them my brothers and sisters and as the oldest, have always done a lot for them. I recently saw something on Facebook that showed they don't even consider me (it was some meme about the oldest sibling and my sister was tagged who is 5 years younger than me). They are all together for Christmas and aren't coming over like they used to. I was happy to go and see them but no invitation was made for us just to pop in.
My birthday was 3 months ago. My dad texted me on the day as he was on holiday then messaged when he came back saying he was coming over in the next 2 days. Didn't turn up and I havent heard from him since. He usually has Christmas dinner here or with my GPs but they are with me this year and so far I've refused to contact him and find out what's going on, I usually give in and do the contacting. He has a GF in a country on the other side of the world, he sees her more than me and his grandchildren. I've seen him 3 times this year. I used to get in touch, invite him for tea, tell him I'd like to see him more when I saw him, I've given up with this now.
Even DH asked me the other day if we are social lepers. His family don't bother either.
I have always done the running and always do if I want to see anyone and I keep getting let down at the last minute. We can't even tell the DCs anymore because they get really excited about seeing people, then I have to tell them its not happening. DS in particular gets a really sad look on his face.
Today I arranged to pick my brother and his GF up to have tea. He said they would be free after midday. Last night I got a message saying they couldn't have tea because someone was going over at 4. I messaged about 12.10 to say I was leaving in 10 minutes and didnt hear my phone go again. Drove over, picked my phone to say I was outside when I saw he had messaged saying they werent home and wouldn't be back until after 1. I messaged to say sorry I hadn't got this and was outside so how long would he be and he said his GF was shopping and he was at his base (he's in the army, I was outside his GFs). About 10 minutes later I got a message from his GF saying brother wasnt well (he has been having some health issues that do come on suddenly so I know this couldn't be helped at all) and couldn't come, she also didnt know we were sat outside hers waiting as he hadn't told her before that. He is ill, it couldn't be helped but its just another time in a long long line of let downs, this happened last time I was due to pick him up as I was about to leave the house, but he still manages to see our sister and go out with her and see her children. The look on my DS's face said it all, who had come with me to pick them up. If I don't contact him trying to meet up again, it won't happen, in fact I'll probably have to go through his GF as she tends to commit more to a plan. My other brother I'm now seeing once a year, despite me saying I'd like to see him when he's down or messaging him to see how he's doing, I just don't get a reply.
I feel like walking away from the lot of them to preserve myself and my DCs. I won't though and just can't, because I actually care about these people, a lot. But it really hurts to realise that actually, they don't really give a damn about me or my children. And it appears that DCs are starting to realise. They have asked me why no one bothers with us and that really hurts.
Sorry this is all going on OP. But..... some things, with the best will in the world you can't make right all on your own.
I'm pretty much low-to-no contact with all of my family, it is a little lonely at times but its better than the constant worry / cost / stress / manipulation /guilt that the alternative brings.
If its affecting your DC's and you have already made several attempts to sort I'd limit contact
"But..... some things, with the best will in the world you can't make right all on your own. "
That makes sense. I do feel like I am single handly trying to keep a family around for me and my DCs and I just can't do it when I get nothing back.
Maybe just detach a little, be available but dont proactively chase plans, or make trips. If they want to see you they will. If things improve great, if not, well sadly you have your answer but maybe have saved yourself a little bit of heartache in not doing all the running.
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