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Dh leaving porn on phone that doc use

(66 Posts)
Ihatethedailymail1 Tue 20-Dec-16 16:54:02

I am really upset and disgusted that he has done this. Our dc regularly play on his phone and I am blue in the face asking him to put some child controls on it as I want to make sure they are not seeing anything inappropriate . They do not use my phone at all. He uses his as a babysitter so he can have peace if he is meant to be looking after them.

Today I picked up his phone after my ds5 was playing minecraft in dhs phone as I have recently downloaded Norton Family which is safer to use and I wanted to install it on his phone. I click on safari, and there is a sex video from Vimeo, of a naked woman. I didn't click on the video but it's porn. I took it to dh and asked him what was it. After him taking the phone and huffing and puffing saying I don't know how it got there it must be a pop up etc, I went ballistic and crying and said I don't care if you are looking at porn, I just want to know if you put it there or has my son found it and looked at it? He lied for a bit and then admitted it was him , like I didn't know that. I have gone mad at him saying it was one click away. I literally clicked on safari and then there is was, legs spread.
I am so angry that he was just, yeah, it won't happen again etc. So apology or sorry, or feeling terrible what his young doc might have seen. I still don't know if they have seen it as I don't know what to ask them. What question do I ask?
He is now blaming it on me as we haven't had sex for a long time as we have gone through a very bad patch, our marriage is very difficult anyway, but where do I go from here. My ds gets into bed with him every morning (separate room due to snoring) and gets his phone. How do I know he won't have been looking at something and my 5 year old then sees it? I am really upset.

Ihatethedailymail1 Tue 20-Dec-16 16:54:33

Sorry, title should be that dc use.

LynetteScavo Tue 20-Dec-16 16:58:03

You sound remarkable calm under the circumstances.

Allowing children to see such images child abuse.

At the very least your DC are never, ever to use at his phone again.

Castleheights Tue 20-Dec-16 17:04:48

Lynette... get a grip ... a child accidentally seeing porn isn't child abuse, your comment is an insult to child abuse survivors.

Yanbu op to be mad at his behaviour it's definitely unacceptable, there are many ways to prevent this on most phones. He's probably too lazy to sort out the settings and reverse it again when he fancies.

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:05:45

Ltb? As Lynette said, it's child abuse. Serious stuff. He could be prosecuted and have to sign the sec offenders register etc.

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:06:30

It's not really accidental though is it? He just doesn't seem to give a shit if they see it or not.

Reality16 Tue 20-Dec-16 17:10:36

Child abuse FFS

OP I wouldn't say anything to your DC but I would be making sure they don't use his phone again.

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:11:40

Allowing children to see porn is abusive of them. Not sure what's difficult to understand about that?

KatelovesJames Tue 20-Dec-16 17:11:49

I'd stop dc using the phone. My exh used his as a babysitter but didn't care to close anything. Dd never found porn (but did find his texts to one OW )

Sammygold Tue 20-Dec-16 17:12:23

This is very careless of him. The obvious solution is for the children to be prohibited from using his phone. But to suggest that he may be prosecuted (for what, exactly?) and have to sign the sex offender's register is absolute rubbish.

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:13:49

So allowing children to see porn isn't an offence?

Sammygold Tue 20-Dec-16 17:15:35

There's a difference between carelessness and deliberately exposing children to pornographic material.

Ihatethedailymail1 Tue 20-Dec-16 17:16:16

I'm not saying he left it there for them to see. He is just so careless that he left it there and it would have been easy for them to see.
Thing is, I will be the baddy again if I start saying leave daddy's phone alone. I have told him he had better be saying it but of course he is turning the argument round onto me. He says, what do I want him to do.
I reply, what do you mean! I am not your mother. You sort it out!

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:16:40

But the op says she is "blue in the face asking him to put some parental controls on it" so, not the first time, surely?

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:17:27

The end result is the same. The 5 year old has seen porn, because the dad couldn't be arsed to prevent it from happening.

Ihatethedailymail1 Tue 20-Dec-16 17:19:55

Yes, it is the first time it has happened. I have been thinking about parental controls just so they don't accidentally come across something as my dd likes kittens and could easily type cute pussy or something in the browser.
I have never caught him looking at porn before and as I said, that isn't my concern right now, though I am not overjoyed about it.
I wonder whether or not I should ask the dc, if they saw it, but what do I ask? I don't even know what to say to him.

magoria Tue 20-Dec-16 17:21:03

The first time was careless.

The second, third, fourth etc time is because he doesn't really care.

Any normal man would be like 'OMG I am so bloody sorry, let's sort it out now to protect DC from ever seeing it again'

VioletRoar Tue 20-Dec-16 17:21:53

I'm shocked that people didn't realise exposing children to porn is child abuse. Ffs.

Adora10 Tue 20-Dec-16 17:23:06

Enough is enough, not going to call it child abuse, it's definitely child neglect though, disgusting, that can traumatise a child, depending on the content, just horrible.

I'd not let my child get an inch towards that phone from now on.

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 17:27:49

I don't know if 'sorry he only saw it once' would wash with SS if the kid spoke to his teacher about what he's seen. Hopefully he hasn't seen anything though 🙏🏻

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince Tue 20-Dec-16 17:34:13

This is absolutely a safeguarding issue. To expose a young child to this through lack of firewalls, or lack of thought or care is 100% wrong.

DworkinNineToFive Tue 20-Dec-16 17:39:50

To clarify for the minimisers: to expose children to pornographic images/videos or sexual/sexualised behaviour is legally classified as a form of child sexual abuse in the UK. And rightly fucking so.

OP, this is serious. He clearly has little respect for women by viewing porn in the first place and he is demonstrating worryingly low levels of appropriate boundaries and behaviour around your children. I'm sure there'll be some people who'll come on and tell you that posters like me are pearl-clutching prudes because we understand that it's dubious as fuck to allow it to be possible for children to view porn, but I'd say that anyone who wants to minimise or laugh at that has some serious boundary issues of their own.

This is part of a bigger picture of disrespect and questionable/inappropriate boundary-settings.

WhatIsThePossibility Tue 20-Dec-16 17:46:01

What he has done is wrong in so many ways, if I were in your position I don't know how I would be able to move forward from this incident

zippey Tue 20-Dec-16 18:06:11

It's definitely not child abuse, but I would agree it's neglectful and can have serious consequences. Maybe he has got the message now though.

ageingrunner Tue 20-Dec-16 18:11:18

It definitely is child abuse in the eyes of the law. And morally.

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