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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How many stag dos?

45 replies

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 15:36

My DH is always going on stag dos or so it seems. Maybe 2 a year, always abroad, always a long weekend. DH also has to go away with work from time to time which can also involve golfing weekends and such like. I have to look after DCS when he's away with no family close by to help me, I also have a stressful job during the week and find these long weekends on my own with DCS relentless.
When is enough, enough? DH is currently away on another stag do, so close to Christmas, we have a ton of things going on, I've been having a really tough time lately with health etc. DH had a lot of frinds and I know he doesn't like to turn them down or let them down, but I can't shake the thought that he's letting me down at a time I need him most...
Then there's the money. He never budgets and I find myself budgeting for him and having to point out that he can't actually afford these big stag dos abroad twice a year and that putting it all on credit cards is not acceptable.
I know everyone is different and would tolerate different things, but are these stag dos just becoming a bit much now that DH has a family and responsibilities?
DH would gladly let me go off with friends for a weekend, but I'd rather be able to afford a family holiday, DH doesn't see that we can't afford to do both! Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

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PissFlappage · 20/12/2016 15:38

Sorry OP but are you sure he's away with work and on stag dos?

are these stag dos just becoming a bit much now that DH has a family and responsibilities?

Only you can answer that and given that you're posting on an internet forum about it, I'd say yes they are becoming too much for you.

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 15:42

100% sure about the work and stag dos. We have mutual friends whose husbands also go on the stag dos and a mutual friend works with DH who goes away with him with work too.

OP posts:

Laylajoh · 20/12/2016 15:44

Have you tried, like, discussing this in length with him?

TheNaze73 · 20/12/2016 15:47

Between my late 20's-early 40's, It felt like I was on 2-3 per year.
Waiting for the second wave now from the early ones who are now getting divorced.
If he's played rugby or football regularly in the past, this isn't uncommon

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 15:49

Yes hes a big sports player so lots of friends= lots of stag dos. How did you compromise this time with your wife/partner? That's assuming you were married with children also The Naze?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 20/12/2016 15:50

I'm a 42-year old man and I've only even been on two stag dos and neither were abroad. One was a round of golf (for those who played) followed by a curry. The other was just drinks followed by a curry. I was invited on one other which was in Dublin but couldn't go (and that was basically a tour of the Guinness factory, watching football, and drinking).

I think it depends hugely on the circles a bloke moves in. Aside from Dublin, I don't know any guys who had overseas stag dos. Or women who had overseas hen dos, come to think of it.

Adora10 · 20/12/2016 15:53

Totally selfish and unfair, he'd be ok if you went on a girls break, really, could you afford it?

I have no time for men who prioritise their fun time above their family; no need for him to be going on 2 stag do's abroad each year, never mind the work/golfing holidays, he's taking the piss, and no offence but you've enabled it, might be a bit late now to lay down any law.

I'd also be worried about what goes on during these stags abroad.

m17362772 · 20/12/2016 15:56

They are fairly common now but if you can't afford them then he shouldn't be doing them regardless of the time issue. Funding this on a credit card is poor for me.

Offred · 20/12/2016 15:57

What are these stag do's going abroad for? If it is for the sex trade then combined with the casual disrespect he is showing you I'd say the problem is much deeper than you are aware of.

Offred · 20/12/2016 15:58

Especially if he comes out with the line 'it feels emasculating' to being asked to respect you and his family by turning them down.

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 16:00

I genuinely trust DH completely and don't worry about what goes on at all. It's just the lack of time, money, consideration that's left for myself and our family. It just leaves me with double the work and nothing in return for it. Makes me feel extremely taken for granted. If I talk to DH about it, he just reels off a list of names that never miss a stag do and then I feel like the unreasonable one.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 20/12/2016 16:01

It is totally unfair if he prioritises stag dos over family holidays. Do you and the children not get a holiday at all?

mouldycheesefan · 20/12/2016 16:01

If it's twice a year I think it's ok. But you get to go away with your friends too, arrange something. You should get same number of weekends away.

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:03

But does it matter if he just goes with ppl to red light district or only pays entry to the strip club?

He is happier to be involved in casual sexual abuse and objectification of women and leave you with all the shit work of childcare and managing the money and deprive the family of a holiday than to say no to his friends. That isn't a man who has respect for women generally. It is a man who is comfortable with selfishness, sees men as the priority and is comfortable around the abuse of women.

Cricrichan · 20/12/2016 16:03

It's not on. He has a family that needs his time and money. He can go to local ones and those of his best friends but that's it.

I've turned down all non local hen dos since having kids.

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:05

You feel taken for granted because he is taking you for granted and that is likely to be because he thinks men are more important than women.

Adora10 · 20/12/2016 16:05

He sounds like a child not wanting to let his friends down but happily does it to you, he's go the life of Riley OP, you, not so much.

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:09

And if that is the case the only reason he wouldn't do anything is because it would impact his idea of himself and not because he has any respect for you (or women generally). And that is not a strong position which stands the test of time. If he is going on that many stag dos then he will pay for a dance or a prostitute at some point but it will be 'just a dance' or 'just a blowjob'. He doesn't have principles that prevent him from abusing women.

Sickoffaketvxmas · 20/12/2016 16:21

Crikey....... Somewhat OTT Off

Offred · 20/12/2016 16:23

Obviously I don't think so.

Adora10 · 20/12/2016 16:24

I don't agree that he must be seeing prostitutes or whatever, it's the fact he must know you are left home holding the fort OP, I don't believe he doesn't realise, he must be keeping quiet cos he's got a great set up - for him!

shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 16:24

DH hates strip clubs and avoids them when he goes on the stag dos. I known this as he's widely made fun of by his friends for sitting in nearby bars alone whilst the others indulge in strip clubs. Like I say it's not to do with what he gets up to whilst he's there at all for me, but more to do with the 'extra' that I have to do at home as a result.

We do go on a family holiday once per year and DH never prevents this, he'd be quite happy to chuck everything on a credit card and live happily in debt. It's me that knows we can't do everything, because I refuse to live on credit cards, plus he pays for the stag dos from his own wallet and the family holidays are paid for from the joint account.

OP posts:

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shoobadoo · 20/12/2016 16:26

Or he pays for the stag dos on his own credit card anyway!

OP posts:

Sickoffaketvxmas · 20/12/2016 16:26

No.....obviously
Nothing like a measured response eh.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/12/2016 16:28

Wow offred huge leaping to conclusions there...

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