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Caught husband lying

(10 Posts)
TaylorP1234 Tue 20-Dec-16 09:17:37

Caught husband lying1
Yesterday 19:52 TaylorP1234

I'm new to this site and wanted to get a few opinions from people who don't know me or my husband so here goes! I will try to keep it short however it's the small details that count sometimes!! Been married 26 years H has always been loving caring good husband couldn't fault him. H got a new job in 2013 expense account trips abroad as its for a European company. Meals out entertaining drinking etc! Said to him a few times u need to stop as he was out drinking but nothing to terrible he has a big client acccount that he has to look after. Has to entertain them things seemed to change in my eyes around January 2015 he had been to the Christmas party with big client and never told me what had happened (unusual). He was still out and about and I warned him a couple of times to treat it as work and not a social life. Then May 2015 my niece passed away then in June we went on holiday H was not himself I said what's wrong? Nothing he said!! Then in June he said he he a meeting and then was going out after I said funny that u would have a meeting in same day. I then found out he had lied I checked his phone (first time in 28 years) he had lied about the meeting. Said he didn't want it to look like he was out having fun and didn't want to hurt me!! Really!! Said it had given him the kick up the backside (getting caught) that he needed. Anyway I didn't think to much of it just that he was an idiot!! Then in July my Nephew passed away it hit me for six he was like my own son. Husband was cold. Day after funeral he went to a meeting and didn't call me all day when I mentioned this to him he said he had obviously in my emotional state I thought maybe I had forgotten but check phone records and he didn't call me till 7.25 that evening he called numerous people before me. Then I caught him lying again in September he said he had got in about 7pm in actual fact he got in at 3 (I wasn't in the country in this day) weird email on phone. Then he has a night out arranged I say I'm not happy my best friend tells him his marriage is on the line. He goes anyway!! He is absolutely going no matter
What is at stake!! Anyway it all calms down in November And December (to be truthful I was too grief stricken to deal with it properly) then in January he is up to it again goes on business meeting I find a message on his phone from
Work colleague (female who works for the big clients) who he says he don't say 2 words too her but the content of the message was deleted. Confront him he says he don't know. He has anothe 2 day meeting in January read his email again and he has got totally drunk! Then he asks if it's OK if he goes out I tell him I'm not happy best friend tells him marriage is on the line. He goes anyway! Then in March it all comes to a head he goes to the factory in Europe gets totally drunk and get in trouble with his boss! I find an email from his boss saying he wants to talk to him. I then say I want him to call this work colleague he always goes out with he don't want to I take his phone but he has sent this fella 2 trxt secretly to tell him not to answer the phone. And deleted them I only found out because I had turned off iMessage on his phone so saw then on his phone record! He then confesses he has been to strip clubs while he is away working. Taken cocaine and gets drunk he don't remember the text messages or why he deleted them. I send his phone away for forensics and find that he has sent this girl a text at 2am when he was drunk he also googled a girl who works there!! I don't think I can forgive him for all this as it was at a time when I needed him. He is totally gone back to normal now. No going out tells me where he is etc. But this all went on for 18 months. I'm tired with thinking about it and so upset that I didn't get time to grieve my neice or nephew properly as I was busy checking on him!!

Iamdobby63 Tue 20-Dec-16 09:57:22

Are you sure it was a fella he messaged not to answer his phone?

This has been going on a long time. So is it better with your H now but you now are feeling resentful that he wasn't there when you needed him and because of him you couldn't grieve? Have you told him this?

jeaux90 Tue 20-Dec-16 10:27:23

I'll be honest with you. I work in an industry with clients etc and we do see work do's as social as well as business. We are expected to do a lot of entertaining etc but equally expected to remain professional. (I'm a woman by the way)

That said he is taking drugs, lying to you, crossing boundaries in your relationship by going to strip clubs, and messaging other woman. He wasn't there for you during your grief. You need to decide whether this is a situation you are prepared to accept or whether he is prepared to admit he has a problem and you both go for counselling.

Personally a lot of what you wrote would be deal breakers for me and the marriage would be over.

KnittedBlanketHoles Tue 20-Dec-16 10:42:48

Has he expressed that he knows what he did was wrong and is trying to make it up to you or is he just hoping that by him "going back to normal" you'll just get over it and forget it?

TaylorP1234 Tue 20-Dec-16 11:41:07

Thanks for the replies. So since March when he got totally drunk and got a warning from work he has changed back to how he used to be. He says he just got carried away with it all and don't really think he was doing anything wrong (as he is adamant that he isn't cheated) I have suprised myself actually by staying in the relationship as I am very headstrong!! We have chatted about it a lot but only if I bring the conversation up he seems to think that we are back on track with our relationship but not for me.
I totally understand that you could get caught up in all of it but not when ur wife and her best friend have told you your marriage is on the line and I thought that with my nephew passing that would have made him change but he was totally oblivious to what I was going through!
I suppose during 2013 I was a bit miserable but my mother died in September 2011 my friend died in December 2011 and then my sister died in February 2014 we moved house in 2013 and in 2014 I had to close my business so it was a very stressful time. Then obviously my niece and nephew! I cannot get my head round how his personality changed 100% I feel there must be more than just drink and drugs that was making him go out at whatever cost! But I don't know how to deal with it to be honest

TaylorP1234 Tue 20-Dec-16 11:48:21

As far as I can see it was his friend that he messaged that morning. He isn't a stupid man so he wouldn't put anyone's number under a different name that's for sure. And as I said I sent his phone away for forensics. It can tell u what's been deleted etc. Not everything gets deleted even though you delete it from your phone. So I see that he had sent these 2 messages but the content didn't come up on the search. But he had sent this woman a message and her reply came back which I did see he had previously told me he didn't say 2 words to this girl and when I quizzed him about the numerous messages he said he couldn't remember. When I asked him about a weird email he said he couldn't remember!! I asked him why he had gone to the trio club when he know I would be offended by that. He said because it's only 15 euros to get in and u can drink as much beer an you like!! This from a man who has an expense account and thinks nothing of spending £1500 on a meal for his clients!!

KnittedBlanketHoles Wed 21-Dec-16 03:24:08

He went to the strip club because his desire for titillation mattered more than your feelings or the dignity of the women he was perving over. Budget reasons are just an excuse, trying to make it seem reasonable.

If I were you I would at least want him to acknowledge that what he did was wrong, fully understanding why, expressing talk remorse for his actions not just your reaction. Without that, how can you move on? Does he just expect you to trust him fully again?

If your relationship is going you work you two have more talking to do. Have you discussed couples counseling?

TaylorP1234 Wed 21-Dec-16 07:32:33

Hi. Thanks for the reply. He says he only went a few times and that before I knew he had decided not to go again as he knew it was wrong It's now just a case of if I can move on and forgive. He is full of remorse for how he has treated me! But Sometimes I wonder if he does just think it was nothing and that I should get over it!! He wants to make the future better like we have always been We have been together 28 years we get on well never argue he is a good provider. So apart for the 18 months in question there were never any problems!! I just can't help feeling there is more to the story as bits just don't add up! He says he hasn't cheated but he would say that and I don't know how to make him tell me the whole story!! I suppose time is a great healer and at the moment Life is a bit of a battle trying to come to terms with the death of my nephew! I appreciate your comments. Thanks

ZestyMaximus Wed 21-Dec-16 08:51:58

He may well not expense it because £1500 restaurant bill is fine but E15 titty bar isn't going to get through expenses.

TaylorP1234 Wed 21-Dec-16 10:12:30

So true!! I didn't think of that!

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