Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Jeremy Kyle style Christmas Day(6 Posts)
Really not sure what to do.
OH has been having an online emotional affair with someone for years. Found out a few weeks ago. I am really struggling with it, I've been to a couple of counselling sessions on my own, and we have agreed to get through Christmas (we're hosting all my family, who I haven't told) and then go back to couples counselling in the New Year and see where we go from there.
However, one of OH's close friends has been supporting me through this. He is someone I've always got on well with, and we are a bit flirty, but both OH and I are flirty with our friends, with no boundaries crossed, until now.
When I found out about the affair I ended up storming out of the house and ringing OH's friend, as I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't immediately hate OH (my friends and family would) and he has always been a sympathetic ear to me. He was great, and talked to me for a long time and calmed me down.
Long story short, it's clear we're both developing feelings for each other and he kissed me on Saturday - only a quick kiss goodbye on the lips, but it was with intent. I have always been faithful to OH, and thought he has too, but since finding out about this EA, I feel my whole world has been turned upside down, and it's made me think a lot about my relationship with him. OH is not the easiest person to live with, and OH's friend has been so kind to me all year, it's unsurprising really that I have developed a bit of a crush. I don't intend to act on it, but again was hoping to not think about it over Christmas, except, OH has invited him for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (not staying over). I don't think it's some Machiavellian plan on OH's part - he clearly has no idea that there might be anything between us and just wanted to do his friend a favour. I think he was also hoping to redress the balance between my family and someone there for him. I haven't got a plausible reason to say no.
So, what's the etiquette for seating your crush and your OH with your extended family?.... I can't even begin to think how this is going to end up. Wine is clearly not the answer in this situation.
I don't really need telling how all sorts of fucked up and wrong our relationship is right now, or that it is horrible and disrespectful to be feeling like this about OH's friend. I know all that. I also know that - whatever happens with me and OH - his friend is not someone I want to be with in a relationship. My head has been turned by the fact that someone who is kind is attentive and interested in me. It is utter bliss to be desired after feeling so unattractive in the aftermath of finding out about the affair, but it's not the real world.
So please, any suggestions for how I get through this. I am cooking, and have the madness of the kids to distract me, so I hope to keep a low profile in the kitchen and let them get on with it as much as possible, but OH's friend is good at finding me in a crowd situation (how the kiss happened at the weekend).
I can't quite believe I'm in this situation - a month ago I would have said we were a normal family with our ups and downs, but fundamentally ok. It's scary how your "normal" world can come crashing down so quickly.
You can't get out of any of it with ease. At least you can retreat to the kitchen under the guise of cooking.
You will have to act as if everything is normal with the friend.
I can see why you would develop feelings for him. Absolutely.
But when the dust settles after new year have a think-if what your oh has done is enough to end your marriage (and it was for me-similar initial circumstances then later complicated by a whole other shitstorm), then do so properly before proceeding with the friend.
(though be aware that when/if you start seeing your ex h'a best friend that won't be pretty in lots of ways either)
Best of luck
I think you have to adopt a distracted, pleasant, slightly fenced off persona on the day itself and acknowledge to yourself that you're playing a part in a drama of your husband's making.
And unless you give an oscar winning performance, it could all go seriously pear shaped.
Too much pressure on you I know, but what's the alternative? And you're right, no wine!
The level of tension in your house over Christmas will be interesting!
I'm boring so I'd probably just tell my husband that we had been flirting with each other inappropriately and let this chap become uninvited. Then that would kill two birds with one stone, Christmas would be more relaxing and the fanny twitches over this bloke would be extinguished.
I'd cancel Xmas day tbh, I'd not carry on this charade, your relationship is over and then to bring this guy into the mix with stolen kisses, nah just no, it's about time you were honest, not just with yourself but with everyone and the reality of the situation.
Well, you OH friend is a massive opportunist isn't he, sneaking in when he sees the relationship is floundering. Very supportive of his friend. Or a bit if you can't beat them join them. His friend is having an EA so I'll just slither in and start one up with his partner. Nice. Don't be sucked in any further to that one.
Sit them next to each other, because they're mates.
Get through Christmas with no clandestine snogging in the pantry (which will make you cringe to your toes in the future when you look back on it) , and honestly, I think you should split in the new year. You are neither of you fulfilling anything at all in each other by the looks of it.
Stiff upper lip and all that for the next few days. You won't be alone. Plenty do it and will be doing it this year.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.