Name changed for the usual reasons.
Over the last year I've had the growing realisation that my marriage is not that great and now, not unrelated to that, I'm having to deal with an infatuation that has completely floored me and I don't know how to cope with it. Sorry in advance for the long post, but I didn't want to drip feed and just need to get it all out.
I've been married 10 years and my husband has changed a lot in the last 5 from being a caring, affectionate, positive person, to someone who barely touches me and only opens his mouth to moan. For the last 6 years he's had a drinking problem. Basically he was a functioning alcoholic. I asked him so many times to stop and seek help. He in turn made lots of promises to do so, but broke them all. To protect my own mental health, I dealt with this by choosing to stop caring about the drinking and basically emotionally disengaged from him. I realise now just how damaging that has been for our marriage, but at the time I was in survival mode (we had our DC during this period and I struggled with motherhood). It never occurred to me to leave the marriage or seek help, partly because my husband is basically a good person and I kept waiting to get the 'old him' back and also because any discussion of the state of our marriage would result in a complete over-reaction and 'oh we might as well get divorced then' type comments, basically shutting down any discussion, and yes, in retrospect, I do realise how emotionally manipulative that is.
The last 12 months have been really difficult. DH finally admitted he had a drinking problem and became sober (obviously a great achievement), but it became apparent that the drinking was masking a lot of issues and he's since struggled with depression. He's been put on various meds which have left him exhausted and unable to coparent for most of the year. I work full time and have spent most weekends over the last year looking after our DC on my own as DH has been unable to. This is on top of already doing more than my share of parenting due to his drinking. I've felt more and more isolated, and feel like I'm a single parent a lot of the time. I don't get any of my emotional needs met by my DH, as he is so absorbed in his own issues. I've also had to deal with my own significant health issues this year. My DH tells me how 'strong' I am for coping with all of this, when there are so many times where all I've needed is to be looked after and he's just not been there for me.
I've supported DH through his issues and keep hoping things will get better, but he takes no joy in life. Every conversation is about how tired he feels or moaning about work. I know it's completely unsympathetic and depression is obviously a serious illness, but after all the years of dealing with his drinking, and now dealing with this, I'm so sick of his problems. I feel tired and stressed too, but I have to keep going, because if I don't no one else will pick up the slack. Basically I feel like I don't have a husband anymore, that the man I fell in love with has gone. The upshot of the last 5 years is I am emotionally independent of him - he needs me more than I need him - I love him, but am not in love with him, I don't fancy him and our sex life is virtually non existent (his choice).
The crazy thing is I'm only just realising that this is not a good or healthy marriage. I've been on survival/coping mode for so long, that I've just dealt with and adapted to all of this crap and it's become our normal. At the same time, going through the most challenging 12 months of my life has made me a stronger, more confident person. I actually feel pretty good about myself! Part of this is coming out of the 'mum tunnel' and regaining my identity again. I'm doing well at work, I feel attractive again and have time to take care over my appearance, And then every night I come home to a miserable DH and the realisation that my marriage has slipped so far from what I want it to be.
I'm going to have an honest discussion with DH about all of this over the Xmas break.
I want to establish open, honest communication again and try to rebuild our marriage. The next few months are going to be make or break for us and I'm ok with that.
The issue that I'm really struggling to cope with in the midst of this is the attraction I have to another man. A relationship with him would be completely inappropriate for many reasons (aside from my being married!) but he's warm, attentive and makes me feel good about myself, all the things that my husband fails to do. The attraction is mutual and, if I wanted to, I think he'd be open to taking it further. I know that nothing can or should happen, but I just can't get him out of my head. I feel like an obsessed teenager. On a good day I just enjoy the attention, on a bad day it leaves me anxious and depressed as nothing can come of it and it just reminds me of what's lacking in my marriage. I was thinking earlier that he's such a nice guy I can't imagine him getting through the Xmas/New Year party season without meeting someone, and I burst into tears that it can't be me. Rationally I know so much of this is projection and reflective of my marriage, but I can't seem to switch the feelings off. I'm really struggling to deal with these emotions on top of everything else that's going on. At the same time, I know if nothing happens between us his interest will eventually fizzle away, and I don't know how I'll cope with that either.
Practically, I've tried not seeing him as often (I can't completely avoid him, so just not actively seeking him out), and not engaging in any more chat than necessary, but I still feel the same way about him.
Does anyone have any experience/strategies for coping with this? I'm just so confused and upset right now, I honestly don't know what to do for the best
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Marriage not great and now infatuated
confusedandfreakingout · 19/12/2016 22:00
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