Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My girlfriend is constantly moaning at me(40 Posts)
My girlfriend and I have an amazing connection and generally are happy. I do love her.
However, every now and then she focuses on something negative and will dwell on it until it becomes a 'thing'. Quite often there is something in what she is saying. There's been a few things: not having sex with her enough, not tidying up, not planning stuff for us to do, not doing the washing, not exercising, not wanting to cuddle? not being a go-getter etc. These things have become themes that she has a go at me about all of the time. I'll do my best address the issue then something else will come up. I have a very stressful job with a lot of responsibilities and I struggle to find energy at the end of the day for her at times but I'm doing my best. I give her much more attention and effort than anyone else I've been in a relationship with.
I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, she's insecure - so needs attention, she wants a good excuse to argue, she's attracted to negativity or I'm just a bad boyfriend?
I'm just sick of the constant worry and stress when we argue. The arguments sometimes get very nasty and almost become physical. I've had enough but I love her and would like us to be normal. It feels toxic and I can't see us moving to the next stage with these issues.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Will we ever stop arguing? Are we just not right for each other? How can I stop her from having a go at me constantly? Are we just bad communicators?
For context I'm 32 and she's 22. I'm a professional and she's studying. We live together.
I'm assuming you've tried to talk about the issues when it's calm and explained how it makes you feel and listened to the reasons for her complaining.
If you can't communicate effectively, have different priorities and your arguments are almost physical then I don't think you seem compatible.
She's a drama queen. Unlikely to change anytime soon. It could simply be immaturity, but whatever the reason it's not making you feel good.
Do the good aspects outweigh the bad? Is the relationship really worth the stress?
How do you know when enough change is enough and you stop being the person you want to be and become the person she wants you to be?
I ask a lot of my partner but I love him for who he is and I'm not constantly trying to change 'him' or his behaviours (no matter how irritating some are!)
Not sure if I got my point across well but I hope it's food for thought for you.
The arguments sometimes get very nasty and almost become physical.
A good relationship should make you a good version of yourself, not a stressed, angry version.
You don't work for each other, so move on.
How long have been together? If it's 6 years then maybe the list is realistic but if it 1 year you are not compatible.Also if you and her never resolve conflicts then everything just escalates and becomes resentments which are constantly brought up.
I was with my stbxh for 15 years and he would come up with a list of my complaints however from my perspective he never wanted to talk and resolve issues.He would get angry rather than listen and validate my feelings.This would cause anger from me and so the cycle began.
Can you honestly say you listen to her when she is upset and try to make changes if you know you are unreasonable?
If you do then it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship and it takes both of you to make it that way.If you are calm and listen to her and still the arguing escalates you have a choice to take a time out, until each of you are calmer.
There are lots of information on fair fighting rules for couples.
You are however quite a bit older than her and I wonder if you are compatible
She's 22, mega needy and thrives on drama. She'll take years to grow out of it.
Are you willing to wait?
Just realised the title "moaning".She is either a moaner or she is legitimately raising issues which are important to her
Only you can truly know what is the case.
Feel a sense of relief just sharing my thoughts. Thanks for the great replies. Lots of things to consider.
Just to answer a few questions.
We've been together 2 years.
I think she's into me. Most of the complaints are around me not giving enough attention and care.
Her complaints are somewhat right. I really throw myself into work everyday, so I can sometimes not have much in the tank.
We've spoken about the issues. I try to improve. I feel that as soon as I do well on one complaint, another arises.
Sometimes I think she can be very childish and irrational. Also, very emotional.
She does a lot for me and really gives everything to the relationship. I think she just wants more from me she than I've got.
Thanks again for the replies.
I am in a similar relationship which is very passionate but many niggles along the way the slightest thing becomes massive , for example she always wants to be told how much I love her and other times i am annoying because I say it to many times . Like you lots of negatively in the relationship and being honest 3 years in I am really wondering if it's worth it...
Perhaps she has (unrealistically) high expectations?
The clue is in how much she gives to you: she gives a LOT - and expects the same in return? I think this is technically called 'high maintenance'.
I have a friend who is a real giver. Over and above, very kind and generous. Initially it was nice, if not a bit overwhelming. I genuinely couldn't see how I could keep up and give the same calibre in return, though I did my best (and she has been quite an inspiration in learning how to be more of giver). As I suspected, despite my best efforts, I haven't quite made the grade and she's off with me. It leaves me thinking all the giving is for her, to get it back somehow? (I sound like such a meanie saying that)
I often think that I cannot live up to her expectations or efforts.
The high maintenance point definitely rings true. It's just exhausting. Sometime I just need space and peace which makes me feel like I'm being a dick.
If she has so many complaints about you, why is she still with you?
I'm a firm believer of taking someone as you see them and accepting them for who they are.
I had a BF who I felt was too happy with little ambition, so I ended it.
Your GF wants you to be someone else and isn't accepting as you are .... her complaints whether genuine or not make her sound like a nag and the relationship doesn't sound very healthy.
The sooner she tries to stop changing you the better. If something is undesirable about your GF or BF ... a sensible person moves on
I'd strongly reconsider the relationship. You can't give her what she wants.
I dont think you should be with her if you think she's childish and too emotional, that's not love.You may not be good for her as your thoughts will show in your behaviour towards her.
Is she a final year student?
It's fine for you and her to have different emotional scales, too emotional could be subjective as you say she does have cause in her complaints.
I guess you were more attentive at the start and that has changed.
If you want the relationship then then talk to her and see if you can work out a timetable which is work, time as a couple and free time.
I think you want out of the relationship
shes just quite young and may not know what to let go and what to confront. At 22 you still want everything to be perfect but as you get older you realise people have their flaws and some things arent worth arguing about. Some things are worth arguing about and pointing out of course! but not everything all of the time. I was like this at that age, trying to make the person i was with into a better person. I thought i was doing it for both of us and that it was helpful but as i grew up a bit i realised that i was coming across as very confrontational and like i was on edge all the time. The thing is that i didnt mean to be like that i just honestly thought i was helping us and im naturally quite an emotional and talkative person.
What really helps is communiction. Dont just go silent and cut off because she will see that as a problem she needs to address and may do more intense things to try and get you to respond emotionally.
Try and explain calmly in detail how she is making you feel and why you need her to relax a little and give you space. That will have far better effect than just going silent.
At the end of the day she needs to be able to see things from your perspective a bit if you are going to stay together long term.
It sounds to me more that you aren't that into her, if you don't really want to have sex or cuddle...if you have mismatched sex drives that is a fairly solid reason to split up.
If you are 32, why can't you wash things and look after yourself? I suspect she does find that annoying, if she is 22 and has higher standards on self care than you, you may want to properly consider that for the benefit of your next partner. Where does relaxing turn into not being arsed?
I think my ex could have basically written this post about me! The thing is, the little things (not cuddling, not washing up) seem to come out most when someone is feeling insecure or vulnerable in the relationship.
Maybe it's because you don't have energy for her at the end of the day -it's bound to leave a person feeling like a burden, and therefore insecure. You might think you are covering it up but it's very apparent when someone just can't be bothered to engage with you. It's soul destroying. And you begin to lose that connection and closeness, which in turns makes little things into bigger issues.
Just a thought, I may be projecting!
I couldn't be doing with that. She's making life complicated for herself & bringing you down with her.
Bin her off
Sorry to say, the longer you stay with her the worse it will get. She sounds like a person that nothing is good enough for her. Love, sometimes isn't enough. Save yourself some grief in the long run by leaving her citing her constant moaning and criticism as the result.
Are you actually pulling your weight on the tidying, date organising, washing? You don't get a free pass on doing your half because you're tired, these things still need to be done. If you honestly are doing your share, then perhaps it's time to move on?
Without knowing what goes on, we can't say whether or not she has a point.
Either way, she is possibly just too young for you. Ten years might be different if you got together when she was 27 and you were 37 but 20 is so young. Some people of course can make age gaps work even at that age, but many can't and it sounds like you two can't.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.