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I need to let go, don't I?(23 Posts)
I've been thinking about posting for a while, although hoped it would clear itself up.
I'll keep it as brief as possible. My friend and I have been very close for around 7yrs. We hit it off as soon as we met, and have been great ever since. We live on the same road, and my DH and DC's adore them.
These last 6 months though, I feel DF pulling away. I've tried really hard in all different ways to keep it on track, and I feel it's all a bit fruitless now
I'm so sad and hurt about it all, and it almost feels like I shouldn't feel this way. I'm not losing a DH or anything, though somehow it almost feels the same way.
Any advice on this please?
Maybe give DF some space. It might not be to do with you; there might be shit going on in her life and she is withdrawing to deal with. Or simply people move on. Don't force the friendship but leave room to reengage.
I did think that, although we always support each other through difficult times. However, I did take a step back and have stayed put here or a while. It hasn't really made a difference though.
I do realise that it may sound childish. I would have gone into a lot more detail in my OP, I was just trying to keep it brief.
Shamelessly bumping, as I really want to get a grip on this.
Perhaps your friend really likes you but can't cope with the intensity of the relationship or just the frequency of seeing you? Maybe she just needs some space?
DH and I are very good friends with our NDNs but they are really sociable people who never tire of having company and we just can't keep up with it. Occasionally we want a quiet weekend on our own, or to see other people but saying we are staying in and doing nothing is greeted with shock and bewilderment. They don't seem to get it that just because we aren't with other people we can't always be with them.
It's difficult to pretend we are out as they will see the car and know whether we are home or not. Sometimes they've had friends over and asked us and we've said thanks but we've had a long week and we just want a quiet evening. Next thing we know, they walk in halfway through the evening after a few drinks and start doing the 'Oh c'mon, just come in for one drink, don't be boring.' And I often go for a quiet life but inside I am slowly starting to lose my shit over it and am thinking of moving house. Which is a shame, because we do really like them.
You say she's in the same street, do you visit her really frequently? Ask yourself honestly, is it always you texting her every day or couple of days or knocking at her door and wanting a chat? Do you do this much more often than she does it to you? She might just be feeling overwhelmed by it and is trying to wean you off her a bit before she goes round the twist. It doesn't mean she doesn't still enjoy your company but maybe she just needs smaller doses. I find it really hard to keep things fresh and interesting and to know what the hell I am supposed to talk about if I see the same people too often.
Thanks for your post OP. I'm sorry that you're going through this ATM.
May I contribute to this thread as the person on the other side of the dynamics you describe. My " friend" of 30yrs is becoming increasingly over bearing. She just pushes & pushes & pushes. Frankly, and I'm not being unkind, her smudging of boundaries have left me cold! She's calling & texting at an alarming rate. I'm feeling harassed.
I've got family shit going on in spadefuls. I don't want to engage with her over the subject matter because it's too devastating. We've just found out our 36yr old Dd who suffers from epilepsy has physical brain damage. Our other Dd has ME & it has flared up again. Friend is not a monster, but over the years she has form for talking over me, not listening (I've literally had to repeat important stuff more than 4 times), waiting for the oportunity to dive into the convo & take over. Just recently on the last occassion she trotted out some extreme childhood traumas I've suffered to excuse her ignorant behaviour, then told me my "cold" attitude left her uncomfortable, dressing it up as " being honest with me because she loves me " WTAF. I don't want her form of support. She keeps on bringing into question my state of mind?? I've never felt so focused in the whole of my life. I just don't have the mental energy to engage & provide her with an explanation. I need space to process recent events, but she won't realise this.
Sorry to hijack your thread OP. it feels good just to write it down. Pp ^^ who suggested giving your friend space to allow for possible future re-engagement is spot on. I like that.
Sorry, you do sound a bit intense / clingy, I'd pull away too.
The bumping of the thread is a good example. 'I'm bumping this as its the number one thing on my mind and i want you to talk to me about it immediately, now, instantly!' I had an employee like this who drove me nuts.
I do understand what everyone is saying. I want to say though, in my defence, I haven't changed the dynamics of our relationship at all.
My DF seems to have just lost interest in it.
We went for meals out, shopping trips, took the dc out, or just watched films. we'd see each other a few times a week.
It seems to have suddenly stopped, and I was just trying to get it back on track. I didn't mean to be intense or overwhelm them, and I really didn't think I was
I can see perhaps that's the case though, for some reason or another. I'm sad about it, and just wanted it to return as normal.
A few times a week would do my head in and I've shed friends who can't get the message about that many times and wouldn't hesitate to do it again if I felt that my time and space was becoming too invaded.
Have you tried asking her? Has anything happened trigger this, for example is she in a new relationship, or suffering from depression or is there a new friend on the scene?
Also you say the dynamics of the relationship haven't changed but it's entirely possible she's been trying to let you know in subtle ways that don't hurt your feelings that you want more of her than she can give. That might mean emotionally or it might just be in terms of time and the frequency with which you want to get together. If you didn't pick up on the subtle signals then perhaps she's now having to do it the hard way.
People change, we're all on different journeys & it sounds like she's outgrown your friendship. It's not a negative against you, just let it go. You are coming across as very intense, step right back
I see what must be DF's point of view now. I really don't mean to be intense, and I don't think I am as a person normally.
This has just caught me off guard, and I would say over the years we have both been fairly equal in our plans. Eg, DF would message and ask if I wanted to go shopping. I'll call and see if they want to pop over for a coffee.
It suddenly stopped, and so I didn't realise that by continuing it I was being too full on.
However, as a PP asked, yes, I am doing the main instigating now. I've been wondering for a while if I should just stop. I just wasn't ready to, as our friendship is important to me.
Well if it suddenly stopped with no warning after seven years of mutual chummy intimacy several times a week then I think you should have just girded your loins and asked her why. That doesn't sound normal for things to grind to a complete halt without any sort of strange atmosphere beforehand.
Is your DF male? If so, that puts rather a different slant on it and possible interpretations of 'their' behaviour.
Grand Yes, DF is male. Not sure how that explains anything differently though?
SelfCleaning It is currently at the strange atmosphere stage. We meet, although always on my asking, and it is every few weeks or so. Our casual drop ins to one another's homes have all but stopped.
I did ask a few months ago if everything was OK, and got told it was.
Does he have a partner? She may be feeling very uncomfortable with your very clos friendship. Or perhaps he feels it's crossed a line for either you or him and risks someone getting hurt.
Yes, DF is male.
I think it definitely makes a difference, at least potentially. Could he have developed feelings for you? Or think you have for him? Also, why have you not mentioned your friend is a man? You've been very careful and deliberately ambiguous with your pronouns.
I didn't mention it as he is gay, and thought it might out me a bit more, along with the other details, than if I just kept it general.
He does live with his partner, and I'm on friendly terms with him.
I'm sorry if it seemed misleading, and of course I do understand had he been straight it would complicate the situation and could be rather inappropriate.
I'm just bumping one more time. Not to be intense, just because I really would like some advice.
I understand the conclusion is to step back, and let go. I've already started.
I know pp's say I sound clingy, however, surely others have been hurt by losing a DF before? I thought it was ok that I felt this way, and so thought I would find support here.
I think to suggest you are being intense and clingy is
weird unreasonable: your close friendship has suddenly ended and you don't know what's going on, is all. You're hurt - that's isn't intense and clingy.
It's not childish to be hurt and confused when a friendship goes wrong. It's one of the most painful things to go through.
Oh good. I was starting to wonder if I was in fact a bit of a clingy, over emotional person
I do invest a lot into my friendship with him. I have other friends I'm close to - although none of them are anywhere near local - as well as currently making new friends (acquaintances) in my area.
It is very hurtful, yes
They only way to get over/through this is to ask why things have changed. You can do it as a wee note through the door which removes any potential (and obviously unintentional) pressure on your friend to not explain or cover things up. You can even point out they dont need to respond and you'll take that to mean that your friendship has changed to being friendly neighbours but also not that your kids miss him and he is welcome to come round for coffee whenever he wants.
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