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I always let her reel me in! So angry with myself

(15 Posts)
offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:17:24

I've just searched for the Stately Homes thread but can't find it and I need to vent.

So, with the help of mners I have realised that my mother is a narcissist, and accepting, albeit struggling, that my DP is her enabler.

We get married in October, I've added a few guests which she specifically asked for and then a couple from my DF side very recently. I sent a text to my DF saying the list is now finalised and we won't be adding any more as we have received an estimate from the venue of what it's going to cost based on the numbers we have now, and it's over budget.

I've made a point, since my last post about her, of not discussing anything with her about anything really. I had to go to their house tonight to get some addresses for some save the dates that I haven't yet sent. She asks me if my uncle is invited, and uncle who she had spoken to for nearly 20 years and only began talking to him when he friend requested her on FB (this is a whole other story!) and the same uncle who gave me the cold shoulder at a family funeral last year when I tried to speak to him.

My reasons for not inviting him are nothing to do with my mother, but if he feels it's OK to ignore me based on his relationship with her then I feel it's OK not to invite him to my wedding.

Anyway, I said to her, no he is invited but I'm not discussing it with you. She then starts saying how she'll be upset as it's her brother and other people won't be happy, and if he isn't invited then my DF family members shouldn't be invited. I again said I'm not discussing it with you and if anyone has an issue with it then can come to me, she doesn't need to worry about it.

Cut a long story short, she carried on repeating herself so I told her that the reason I'd invited my DFs family members (2 of them) is because he hands asked for anything for the wedding whereas I am inviting 5 people she has specifically asked for and continued to harass me about it until I said OK then (I know I should've stood my ground). Welll all hell broke lose, she denied ever asking me about these people or even bringing them up, unfortunately I snapped and I called her a liar, I replayed the conversations to her which we had at the wedding venue and she is denying that those conversations ever took place. I'm ashamed of myself for snapping because my nieces were there and they shouldn't have witnessed it.

I told her when she's paying for my wedding, she can invite whoever she wants, and here is the bit I've been waiting for. They gave us the deposit for the venue as a wedding present, and she's obviously thrown this back at me that we'll technically they are paying for some it so they should have a say, I told her she can have the money back if it's been given I'm with conditions attached, and I genuinely will be giving her the money back.

I'm absolutely raging. I don't even know if this makes sense but I just need to rant. I'm so angry at her for lying and so angry at myself for snapping in front of my nieces.

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:18:42

Not DP! I mean DF. Autocorrect.

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:20:12

So sorry for all the typos!

RandomMess Mon 19-Dec-16 19:25:06

Have the invited gone out yet?

If not return money to parents, cancel any guests you don't want there off the list and have the wedding you want.

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 19:32:30

Yep what random says. Narcs are at worst best kept at arms length and at best nc at all.

Have the wedding you and your DP want. Of course your mother is making it about her, of course she is. She's a bloody narc!

Don't. Let. Her

Xxx

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:33:18

No they haven't, just save the dates. Invites won't be going out until April time. I'm very tempted to cancel the whole thing nd elope, which was our original plan. I need to speak to my DP about it but he's out tonight, and probably let myself simmer down before doing anything too drastic.

The reason I need to speak to my DP about it is that we've already paid out about 10k as it was originally booked for this year but we postponed due to having work done on our house, and I really don't want to do anything that would mean us losing that money.

RandomMess Mon 19-Dec-16 19:38:49

It would probably still be easier and cheaper to elope.

Honestly I think your sanity will be best served by going NC before you wed. Leave and cleave your narcisstic mother and enabler father - get some normality in your life.

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:38:54

I need to do something. I ended up cancelling my DDs baptism because of her, because we had told everyone ito was just going to be godparents and immediate family but she insisted on inviting cousins and uncles without telling me so I cancelled the whole thing. I'm currently trying to rearrange it but without telling her and just taking the godparents with us. I won't let her dictate my wedding to me either, although I see that she already has in some ways. I'm so disappointed in myself.

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:39:27

I know everything you're saying is right. I know it is.

RandomMess Mon 19-Dec-16 19:47:18

flowers

Elope and have a fantastic honeymoon/holiday. Honestly she will ensure that she ruins it somehow otherwise.

Book family holiday. Book wedding beforehand find witnesses who you know will take the plan to their death if need be. Get a good photographer and have a fab day.

How old are your DC?

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 19:52:43

That was going be our plan, have a small intimate wedding and a brilliant family holiday afterwards. I was the reason this changed because I felt my dad deserved to walk me down the aisle and I really wanted him to have that moment. We were so close and this is why I'm struggling to accept that he is her enabler, I do accept it though.

We have just the one, a little girl who is two, will be 3 when we get married, that's obviously with the original plan. She adores my dad as well, not so keen on my mum, I often wonder if she senses something, I do think children can sometimes read people better than adults.

RandomMess Mon 19-Dec-16 20:00:26

Okay take a step back.

Why does your Dad "deserve" to walk you down the aisle after he has let your Mum treat you so awfully your whole life?

Are you holding onto wanting the dream of a "wonderful" Dad, to have a fantasy moment where you can pretend your Dad is your loving loyal protector...?

You know it really hurts when you wake up and realise people that you love aren't the people you though they were. Take some time to grieve for the Dad you want to have - he only looks so good to you because your mother is SO bad.

flowers

offside Mon 19-Dec-16 20:23:01

I guess because he's my step dad, I've never known my biological father and in all honesty never had a need to. My step dad is my dad as far as I'm concerned and we were like partners in crime until I left home.

He has children from his previous marriage who he doesn't have a relationship with, because of my mum and the fact he hs sided with her, and has missed out on so much with them that I didn't want him to miss out on this opportunity. And yes, I suppose I do what that moment too of being walked down the aisle by a wonderful dad.

He has been down trodden by my mum and I've often told him that she gets away with how she treats him because he's let her all these years and he can't expect her to change now.

She really has made his life a misery but he has allowed it. And I suppose his way of dealing with her is to let her act the way she does.

OhHolyJesus Mon 19-Dec-16 20:42:29

Your wedding, your rules. Return the £ to her and stick to the 'I'm not discussing this with you' line, I like it. If she is repetitive with her requests you can respond with the same answer. Stay calm, deep breaths and rise above it.

Have a lovely wedding smile

RandomMess Mon 19-Dec-16 20:49:46

But you wouldn't have a wonderful moment with your Dad, she will ruin it anyway somehow.

You will feel beautiful and wonderful and she'll make a nasty comment or remind you both that he's not your Dad and she should be walking down the aisle.

Oh wear white or something OTT or weep and wail so everyone is looking at her...

Save yourself!

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