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Having another child - DH not keen but would be fine with a 'happy accident'

(14 Posts)
JayJayBird Mon 19-Dec-16 18:51:50

I had in mind having a third child, DH is not so keen but has said he would be fine with a 'happy accident'. We have two lovely children and his argument is that they are healthy, happy and great children so we should be blessed with what we have got. I really do accept this reasoning, I would like a third but certainly will not fall out with DH over it and do think we have to both be on board if we did have another. I also think my age (just about to turn 35) and hormones etc are a huge part in my mind. However I find the half way house of happy accident a bit weird - I think we either commit to having a third child or commit to not have any more. I refuse to go on the pill or coil again, and DH doesn't want the snip, we use condoms and withdrawal method. Based on this I think a 'happy accident' is higher on the odds but feels a bit of an odd approach to me and irresponsible if we don't want another but I wonder if this is his way of being ok with a 3rd but not totally committing? Whenever we talk about it we come back to same point, he says he does not want a 3rd but a happy accident would be exactly that. As background we are both mid 30s financially secure, can afford another child, have a big enough house, car etc. DCs are 6 & 4. However I do wonder if part of his lack of commitment is that we had multiple miscarriages before and inbetween our children and this affected me quite badly.

MavisTheTwinklyToreador Mon 19-Dec-16 18:56:47

I'd be very careful, a "happy accident" could be thrown in your face later on. I agree with you, you should make a firm decision, one way or the other.

PleaseGetOffTheTableDarling Mon 19-Dec-16 18:58:16

I could have written your post in almost every detail. For us, it ultimately boils down to a 'heart v head' tussle. Could your husband be feeling the same? I think I am resigning myself to sticking at two DC...whatever happens for you and your family, I wish you health and happiness.
Also, I'm so sorry for your losses flowers.

TheWiseOldElf Mon 19-Dec-16 18:59:57

I'm currently pg with our 'happy accident' number 3 who was conceived in not dissimilar circumstances. We were both indecisive about number 3 and were not using long term contraception so all it took was one night with a glass of wine each too many when we got carried away. I spent the first 3 months of the pregnancy feeling miserable and thinking it was all a terrible mistake but I'm much more positive now the first trimester sickness is out of the way. I do wish we'd been a bit more sensible in the planning and if I could go back in time I might do things differently. I didn't have previous pregnancy losses to factor in though. I think in light of that it might be even more important to work out what you really want first. this is a really difficult decision with no right answer and I hope you and your DH get to a concensus on what's best for your family.

Caro486 Mon 19-Dec-16 19:09:01

I'm not sure how I feel about this! Creating an accident means it isn't an accident! But the baby doesn't get the benefit of folic acid, no drinking, the planning part (I suppose a good many of us are here by accident, but I do wonder why you would aim for an accident in this day and age).

CondensedMilkSarnies Mon 19-Dec-16 19:13:06

Its almost as if he is using the 'happy accident' to absolve himself of any responsibility of making a conscious choice .

TheNaze73 Mon 19-Dec-16 19:18:33

It's his get out of jail card & he's putting the onus onus on you. He really doesn't want another child

Corneliagoescamping Mon 19-Dec-16 19:22:02

He might feel superstitious about it and nervous about committing to having a third when you are lucky with 2 healthy children, so find it easier to say what will be will be and not say 'yes I definitely want a third'. I can relate to that.

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 19:26:37

I'm with thenaze he's putting it on you. If he doesn't want anymore then he should get the snip

AngryVagina Mon 19-Dec-16 19:49:23

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to prevent it but doesn't want to "try" actively either maybe? How were you when trying for your first two? I think sometimes the partner can be a bit spooked by the whole temping and charting and date-keeping that some people do. For my DH he got really weird about it like it was putting pressure on him almost (and all I did was have an app that kept track of my periods) so both of ours have been conceived very "casually".

Of course I may be TOTALLY off the mark there, just a thought though smile

JayJayBird Mon 19-Dec-16 19:56:10

He is not the sort of man who would throw a third child back at me later, he is an absolutely devoted father, and I know would love any child of ours whether it was third, fourth, fifth or sixth! We fell pregnant very easily before this, every time we tried to conceive we did they just didn't all stay put - I think it was that part he hated - watching me wait for a miscarriage, panicking if I felt any different, constantly checking etc. Also both labours were horrendous and I ended up in surgery both times - babies were fine just my body being the problem (again!).

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 20:49:29

Jayjay your answer is in your last post. Sounds like you had difficulties and it's hard watching someone you love going through that and the grief of losing babies. It's probably why he doesn't want to be the one to say yes perhaps.

JayJayBird Mon 19-Dec-16 21:26:42

Thanks jeaux I do wondrr the same but not sure how to resolve it.

mummyto2monkeys Mon 19-Dec-16 21:47:21

I agree with jeaux it sounds like your dh has hated seeing the toll that pregnancy has taken on your body. He obviously loves you and your children, but doesn't want the responsibility of having chosen a set of circumstances that mean you suffer or become unwell. Thus he is leaving the decision to you, which means he is absolved of the guilt he felt during your traumatic experiences in your previous pregnancies.

I think the fact that he hasn't actively chosen to have the snip is a sign that he would love to have another baby. By using the withdrawal method he is certainly leaving things to chance!

I suffered with very severe SPD during both of my pregnancies, by the end of my second pregnancy we were advised to have no more, or risk spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair (my pelvis was already significantly damaged). My husband went straight home and made an appointment with his g.p to book a vasectomy. Our daughter was literally weeks old when he had his vasectomy. I honestly think that if your husband felt very strongly abbout not having another child he would have done similar. But then I know many men just can't face the idea of a vasectomy,( I would however expect your dh to insist on contraception)

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