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Logistics of leaving an abusive husband

(16 Posts)
Momentumista Mon 19-Dec-16 12:31:53

He is financially and emotionally abusive. I have no access to shared finances. He controls everything. Opens my mail. Has confiscated bank cards.

Now I have found courage to actually try to leave I am finding it exceedingly difficult.

He refuses to engage with me or talk to me without it turning into a massive peeve fest about how tired he is / how unreasonable I am / how it's all down to my 'mental illness' hmm depression caused by him being a massive cunt more like.

As things stand he has moved into the back room and is not talking to me. How can I divorce this man child when he controls every aspect of my life?

I have an appointment with a solicitor after Christmas - I have to wait until them as I don't get paid until end of week. I am expected to feed the family and clothe DS and pay half of all household bills on my meagre earnings from part time job.

He has bigger salary then me, ex military pension and all his money goes into a joint account which I don't have access to - so joint in name only. The bank obviously issued me a debit card too - as it was a 'joint account' but he has confiscated this and the bank won't give me a replacement as I am unable to answer bank security questions - all the statements etc go to him & I never see any of them. He works shifts which means he is often at home in the daytime while I am at work - so he opens all the post (mine included).

Momentumista Mon 19-Dec-16 12:33:42

I should also say I don't know how much he earns, I never see his payslips, he never tells me. All he tells me is that I am a liability and cause him to go into debt. This when I have to ask beg for any extra money when I run out. I often had to provide sexual favours to get this extra money.

CauliflowerSqueeze Mon 19-Dec-16 12:34:11

This is appalling. What an absolute shit. Sounds like you're well and truly ready to move on. People will be along shortly with some great options for you and we will stay at your side till you're free of this wanker. flowers

CauliflowerSqueeze Mon 19-Dec-16 12:34:50

Womensaid are apparently fabulous. Put up with this for not a second longer. flowers

Cricrichan Mon 19-Dec-16 12:55:23

No advice but glad that you've made the decision to leave. All the best op.

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 15:38:58

His attempts to cripple you into inaction have clearly failed. Really strong of you to make the decision to divorce him. You don't need his permission to do that. It's an abuser script to make out you are mentally unstable and as for him not telling you any of the finances, he will have to as part of the divorce process. Your sol will advise you on all of this. Don't minimise anything when you have the appointment. Big hug. It must be horrible at the moment but focus on how amazing that moment will be when you are free. 6 years on and I still remember it. Overwhelming sense of freedom.

CockacidalManiac Mon 19-Dec-16 16:38:16

Women's Aid are on 0808 2000 247

CockacidalManiac Mon 19-Dec-16 16:39:00

It might well be worth making an appointment to physically see someone at the bank.

something2say Mon 19-Dec-16 19:02:25

I'd say, google your local DV service.
What you're going thro is all in a day's work for them and they will know exactly what to do.
Also if you are married to him he can hide it all he likes. Judge will get it out of him.

StripedTulip Mon 19-Dec-16 19:12:47

Women's Aid, OP This is terrible - good luck flowers

I saw your post in AIBU earlier: could you ask to see a Barclay's Customer Service person in confidence & explain? There must be a procedure of some sort.

Good luck

twattymctwatterson Mon 19-Dec-16 23:10:17

Go to women's aid and CAB. Can you get any personal documents etc when he's at work and hide them? As others have said filo into the bank in person regarding the joint account, take I'd with you and be honest about the situation. Possibly they could open a new account for your wages etc to go into. Get out as soon as you can and stay safe x

springydaffs Tue 20-Dec-16 00:42:29

Contact your local Womens Aid . They are the experts and will guide (and support) you all the way. This won't be the first time they've seen a situation like this. They know what to do and how to do it.

From now on keep secret and silent. Absolutely do not show your hand at any stage. Fake a change of heart - to give you enough time to collect evidence. Can you root around his papers while he's working shifts? You need to collect as much financial evidence as possible.

If it's all under lock and key and hard to find, you already have enough evidence. Begin writing a log/diary along the lines of what you've written here (this thread could be part of your evidence) - I bet there are plenty more stories you could add to it. Get it written down - obviously securely. Womens Aid will help you with the techie stuff (also look on their site for tips).

Sign up to the Freedom Programme (Womens Aid will recommend you do this course) at your earliest. Not only does it open your eyes in record time, you'll meet others in a similar position, which is tremendously empowering. Look for a local FP course here . I can't recommend this course highly enough.

I have to stress you absolutely must not let him know what you are planning. Act your socks off. It's likely he's already hidden financial details as you have made it clear you want out - but he may relax if you make out all's fine and you've had a change of heart. Yes it's hard but needs must to get the result you want and deserve. (I don't mean fake sexual relations - that's one step too far - but make out you need some time, hope he understands (puke), to learn to be close again.)

don't be afraid of being devious - it's the only way to get away from an abuser intact, at least financially. It's also well-documented that leaving an abuser is a very dangerous time. I don't want to spell it out.. but you need to get out alive, so make a show of appeasing him. Bear in mind abusers can be very stupid in that they easily believe 1. you have seen the error of your ways and 2. recognise their dominance. <<Nectar to an abuser.

Do you have kids? The way the law stands at the moment it is likely he will get access. If you have strong reason to believe this would be damaging for the kids then don't hold back with any evidence. Don't think you want to spare his feelings etc etc. Get the gloves off and fight for your kids' sake. If you think he will go for 50/50 - or entire! - access (citing your mental illness hmm ) then all the more reason to be canny and ruthless.

He has gone to extraordinary lengths to control you (I at least had a joint bank card - I wasn't 'allowed' to use it, mind, but at least I had it) and it's very unlikely he will ever change, sadly. Don't be thinking he'll soften or change. I'm sorry to say types like this very rarely change. So you have to get serious.

Have you read Lundy's book ? Order it at the library and read it there/take it home and put another dustcover on it and put it on the shelf with the other books.

You may also like to look at the new coercive control law . Womens Aid will recommend solicitors who are up on domestic abuse/coercive control.

It's a shame you have to wait until January but perhaps it'll give you time to set in motion your oscar-winning performance/change of heart. If you can prove domestic abuse/coercive control you will get legal aid (yay!). Also, many lawyers offer a free first half hour - they get through a LOT in half an hour - so you don't have to wait until you're paid.

springydaffs Tue 20-Dec-16 00:49:45

Tell your solicitor what you have told us here and s/he will apply for legal aid on your behalf on this evidence alone.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 20-Dec-16 09:38:30

Please do contact Womens Aid.
They will know good solicitors in your local area who can deal with abusers like your DH.
You may also get legal aid due to the abuse you are suffering.
Do you have anywhere you could go?
Just get out and away from him?
Can you just not pay half the household bills?
What would happen if you just told him you don't have the money as you need it for Christmas?
Don't put yourself in danger though as he sounds like things could escalate if you do.
Try to get away - Womens Aid can help you with an exit plan.

Momentumista Tue 20-Dec-16 12:14:00

Thank you so much all for the further advice.

I have tried the devious / pretending to 'forgive' him tactic before. Trouble is, it messes withmy head as I then feel that things really are OK, as he might make a 'specifl effort' (buy me some flowers / tat / expect sex etc) and it turns my stomach...although in one sense it takes away the huge feeling of panic and fear of what he might do if I left. Looking back at previous threads I have posted over the last 2 years, there is plenty of evidence on MN alone of various shitty things he has done.

I am fed up of this never ending cycle of despair and fear then compromise.

I can see why it might be a good idea though, at least until after Xmas. I'll see. I just cant stand the thought of him back in bed (VOM).

It is also now involving mutual friends as he has unbeknown to me accepted a joint dinner invitation. I found out about this by chance (he never even told me about the invite) and I have already explained to friend that we are having 'problems' and I cant go.

I think that in itself speaks volumes about his attitude to me!

springydaffs Tue 20-Dec-16 13:43:02

You'd be doing the faking with a very specific plan in mind. Do contact Women's Aid (and get on the Freedom Programme) which will sharpen your focus and, crucially, you won't be doing this alone.

Have you called Women's Aid before? Please don't think you are not a victim of domestic abuse bcs he doesn't hit you: ime at support groups for victims/survivors of domestic, the women who had been hit said they'd prefer it any day over min -bending non -violent abuse.

Do get in touch with the relevant orgs asap. Even just one conversation, one mtg with a WA support worker, one FP session will dramatically change things for you.

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