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I'm a guy, and he's a guy. SO confused :((102 Posts)
Hi, I know this probably shouldn't be on mumsnet, but I need advice I'm not sure where else to go.
Just to say, I'm so sorry in advance for the length of this post, but I need to say everything.
Basically, I'm 23 and a guy, and he's 19. We became best mates at work. We've known each other for around 3 years - as best mates. One day, I got really down because I've always been single. He told me to tell him everything I was scared about. All of this was over Facebook messenger, and I told him everything from worrying about my looks, to worrying about sex, to worrying about my "size".
The conversation lasted around 7-8 hours... the longest chat I think I have ever had over Facebook messenger!
Basically, during the conversation, he told me I had nothing to worry about. He said I was handsome, and basically praised my personality and things, but this is where it changed. He said to me "Sometimes I get a twinge over you".
He's had a girlfriend in the past. I'm bisexual but have never told anyone. It was kind of a shock because I would never have expected him to say something like that. My next question to him was something like "you what?", and he said it again. He then told me sometimes he can't stop looking at my arse in work and it's "nice and peachy".
He then said to me that I should go around to his house. As I was only his best friend, I found this so weird.
Basically, one night in September, I went to his, and we kissed. He obviously enjoyed it, and I really enjoyed it too. I've always been single due to my low confidence so this was my first ever kiss in life (obviously I've kissed family and things, but I mean like a proper tongue kind of kiss).
Meeting up with him has now gone on for weeks. It's December, and is still happening. We have even been to a hotel and slept together - we've not had sex, but have done a lot of things.
Last month when we were on a night out, I noticed a weird text from one of his mates (I know this friend of his, and I've always suspected he was gay - not that there is a problem with that). But the message popped up and it said something like "babe" and ended in a kiss. I immediately asked him what it was. He said "oh it's probably nothing or it's song lyrics or he sent it to me wrongly" but he would not show me the message because he said "I am not proving myself to you".
Ever since, I have been so worried he's speaking to that other guy. I'm friends with him on Facebook, and I notice they're online together a lot. If they both go offline, for both their accounts it will say for example "Active 3m ago" - looking like they've been chatting, and then have both gone offline - so they're not talking to anyone else.
The first few weeks we were meeting up, he'd message me things like "morning " and want a chat, or he'd send snapchats. It's stopped now though. I am always messaging him first. When we were just friends, I'd always have to message him first though. So for me to have to message him first, I guess that's normal.
I'm just worried sick - I get a dry throat, or my heart feels like it's racing, when I think about him being with someone else.
I asked to meet up with him to have a talk. He looked me in the eye and said "there is no one else". I always trusted him as a best friend. Like I would trust him with my life, or my bank balance (I'm a saver! haha). So in a way, I trust him. He then said to me "what would make you stop worrying?". I said I wanted to see his messages with that guy. He said "I am not proving myself to you. It makes me angry that you'd even think I was with someone else".
He then said to me "where would you like all of this to go?" - neither of us are out of the closet, and so I said "well, i'd like it all to go on for a bit, but I guess it will stop one day. I'd like to remain friends though".
I said to him "can I ask you the same question?"
He said "well, I really wanted a relationship with you".
Thing is, I've left messaging him for 2 days now. He hasn't messaged me at all. If he liked me that much, wouldn't he have messaged me? Plus him and that guy are online together a lot, and go offline together a lot. It's not always like that, but it happens quite a bit.
I really don't know what to do?
> Not messaging me because he never messaged first as a friend anyway?
> Seeing that other guy? But because that guy lives about 40 miles away, it's harder to see him so he's using me as his "experience", and he fancies that other guy instead?
> Actually telling the truth, and wants me, but is he scared to come out? I'm scared of coming out, but if he wanted a relationship that bad, I'd announce it in minutes and be with him in a heartbeat. He's one of these "lad" guys, and has a lot of friends he goes with to watch football and I think he might think "oh they might disown me?"
I can't stop thinking about him. He was my first kiss and he's just really lovely. He's brought my confidence out so much as a friend, and I love doing things with him now. I wake up with him on my mind, and he's basically on my mind all throughout the day.
What do I do? Do I forget about him or move on? Or do I ask him again about this relationship stuff? Or is he not messaging me because he'd rather message someone else? He tells me he doesn't want to stop doing anything and wants a relationship, but then I worry he doesn't actually want me?
Thank you so so so much and I'm sorry about the length of this.
Oh, honey. It's clear that you're hurting over this, and you sound like you need a hug (hope that doesn't sound patronising!).
Unfortunately it sounds like this chap is very confused about who he is and what he wants. As hard as it is for you, the best thing is probably to cut your losses at this stage and concentrate on yourself/finding someone who deserves you.
Sending you another hug. It's too difficult to try and guess what is really going on with this guy. Your feelings towards him do you credit. Try and take a step back now. If he is really into you he will let you know, but try to find other friends to spend time with at the moment. If he isn't the right guy for you, it isn't meant to be. See this relationship as something that has begun to make you honest with yourself and your feelings. It will hurt, but it will also pass. Hugs xxx
Thank you for your responses and I apologise for posting on this website, I know I shouldn't be using it. Since i'm not "out" to anyone, I just can't speak with anyone about it, and this is one of the only forums I've heard of.
I know it all sounds weird as he was always my best mate - and now I kiss him and things, but I just love him. I really want a relationship with him now, but it's almost as if he's too scared to? Or he doesn't exactly know?
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to end things if things were going to work out in the future. Plus I wouldn't want to lose him as a friend. But, I want to find someone now and I don't want to stay doing things with him, if he has no intentions of having a relationship with me.
Thank you for your replies x
He's told you he really wants a relationship with you. I don't see why you need to micro analyse everything and check and be paranoid about when he's online etc.
Talk to him again and decide if you want to try to be in a relationship and whether it's the right time to come out or whether you keep it a secret and don't be all paranoid about him.
Sorry. I think it was just the odd text that I noticed from that friend of his who he always seems to be online with. It's just worried me sick.
Seems to me like he said he wanted a relationship and you said you didn't. So now he's leaving ball in your court.
Seems you are both confused about coming out though. But as you suggested it wasn't anything serious he's not likely to feel it's worth him doing anything now.
Sounds like you're his yo-yo. He flicks you away when he wants and pulls you back when he wants.
You need to take a break from him and work on yourself. You're giving him to much power and headspace.
It never ends well when you rely on someone else to build you up.
First love is the strongest and most painful I'm afraid. He's awaken a whole load of emotions in you, that you probably have never experienced before. It's hard to put those feelings back in the box once they're out.
I would let him know how you feel and be honest. That way if it doesn't work out then you can look back and have no regrets. You can move on and find someone to be with. You never know though, maybe he needs reassurance from you and you're both waiting for the other to blink first!
Do you think this has given you the courage to go a step further in being open about being gay?
Why I said I didn't want a relationship (before he did), I didn't want to look too keen because I was worried what his reaction would be - we're best friends too. I didn't want saying "I want a relationship" to freak him out.
If he wanted a relationship with me, I would come out immediately.
I love him.
About me being his yo-yo... do you think he's just worried about coming out but does want me?
All of this has been going on for almost 4 months now, and I just think if he really didn't like me, surely it would stop?
Thank you all for your replies by the way, really appreciate it x
He probably is scared I would imagine. What's his family like? Are they likely to accept him and be supportive?
Looks to me like you turned him down. You told him you want the sex to continue for a bit but it won't last and he said he wanted a relationship. You need to be up front with him.
If I had told my best friend that I wanted a relationship with him and he had just said that he wanted a fling that would have to end, I think I'd e very sad. I would leave things for a couple of days to give my friend time to process and see what they did.
The ball is in your court OP. You should call him.
Either way, the jealousy needs to stop or it will consume you. He has a past, as will anyone you have a relationship with at your age. If you trust him when he says he is faithful then stop worrying about it.
If I had told my best friend that I wanted a relationship with him and he had just said that he wanted a fling that would have to end, I think I'd e very sad.
This for me too. I'd be quite hurt. Perhaps he's not messaged you because he's upset and feels you are the one using him. Only way you'll find out is by asking.
As soon as he told me he wanted a relationship, I told him I wanted one too.
I just said I was scared to say it because I didn't know how he'd react.
His family are supportive. Mine would be too.
Look, it's only been three months since you got together. I think you sound like a lovely person but you are putting too much pressure on the relationship. Your insecurities will destroy what you have if you keep analysing and questioning everything. It's early days, try to enjoy your relationship without attempting to define it for now.
Of course you should expect your partner to be faithful. You say you trust him and have been best friends for years so although it's hard, you need to stop doubting him and trust what he is telling you.
I think your low self esteem is preventing you from enjoying your new relationship. Perhaps you struggle to see why he likes you and almost expect things to go wrong? It doesn't have to be like that. The start of a relationship is supposed to be fun. Please stop torturing yourself with "what ifs".
have you spoken and been completely honest with him about wanting to be in a relationship with him? tell him how you feel and see how it goes, but if you are to clingy or suffocating about his txts etc then it will push him away, he is right he doesn't have to be showing you his phone so early on in the relationship there should be a mutual trust between the 2 of you, it can be hurtful if you know someone you care about and love doubts you and doesn't trust what you say.. good luck I hope it all works out for the best between you both
Thank you everyone
I was thinking it was his fault and he had gone off me, but it's obviously my fault.
About my insecurities... I think it's just I like him that much and don't want anything to stop it I guess
Being afraid is completely understandable, just don't let it screw things up for you!
Tell him how you really feel. Don't let him slip away because you were too scared to open up. Regrets are heavy things to carry around.
Good luck OP
Thank you all so much for your replies.
Right now... what should I do?
I have told him I really like him and everything and have messaged him things like that, but just worried I'll push him a way.
Shall I just say I was too scared I wanted a relationship?
Talk face to face and be honest. Yes admit you were scared and tell him you would like a relationship.
Forget the other person and start afresh.
And very best of luck to you both. ❤️
Thank you all so much! I know I shouldn't have put it on this website, so I respect all of your replies so much!
Thank you x
This website isn't just for mums. You're more than welcome to come on and share your angst .
I really hope it all works out,
I always put myself down. I don't know why. At work I always feel like I'm doing a bad job but have only ever received praise from my managers.
I think I just worry way too much. A lot of bad things for example my Grandad and great Nan have died in the past and I just feel like things don't always work out and I'm worried this relationship won't because I'm not good enough or I think it will end bad or something.
God, I think we all feel like that sometimes, I know I do . It's natural to doubt yourself sometimes and fear something might go wrong but try to let yourself enjoy the relationship, and remember you deserve to be happy. Just don't be too dependent on your boyfriend for your self worth, if you see what I mean.
And don't drive yourself mad looking at online messages etc. That's a teeny bit obsessive!
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