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Help me for today's meeting - need to find my power!

(18 Posts)
Teabay Mon 19-Dec-16 10:54:44

This afternoon I have first mediation meeting with incredibly difficult narc ex. He is mean, condescending, controlling, unfair, etc etc. BUT obvs it's all my fault for being 'weird, unable to let go or move on, manipulative, enjoying my job and earning more money then him
We need to discuss contact, communication & money (he still receives all Child Benefit and has never given me a single penny).

I'm scared of going, scared of having to be with him in a room and scared of him opening up all my vulnerabilities again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 19-Dec-16 11:01:19

Teabay, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time, hope that mediation will be good for you.

I would get a sheet of paper and along the left make a list as you have in your post:

1. Contact
2. Communication
3. Money
4. Anything else that you think needs addressing

Then the next column along - brief description of current position, who has/does what.

Next column is the one where you put the outcomes that you want for each.

Use that as an aide memoir and guide to help you in the meeting. That's what I would do. I write everything down so I don't forget or miss anything.

Good luck.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 19-Dec-16 11:49:15

Please tell the mediator about the abuse.
As soon as you get there.
If you can get in before him to have a quick word it might help.
Mediation is very similar to counselling and it is NOT recommended to do this with an abuser.
Could you call the mediator and give them a heads up?

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 12:03:55

Really not sure what you will achieve through mediation with a narc. But I would tell the mediator/sol absolutely. My narc ex was a nightmare and there is usually no negotiation with them as they have no sense of consequence. They only thing they feel is a sense of entitlement no matter how outrageous that seems to the other person.

Only advice I can give you generally is to keep the emotion out of it stick to the facts. During the whole split process keep contact to a minimum or even better all through the sol.

Big hug, be brave, be calm, brace yourself. Shoulders back. Deep breath. Xxx

Teabay Mon 19-Dec-16 12:49:00

The divorce was granted in November. In January we went to a counsellor but he stopped on the third session when she pointed out his unacceptable behaviour (speaking over me, pointing at me, raised voice, dismissal etc).
We went for a MIAMS three weeks ago where initially the solicitor (who is the experienced mediator) said that it was not appropriate to mediate as he wouldn't budge on his position of wanting 50/50 custody (purlease) and she slid the court form to me across the table. He then said that he would agree to mediation if I didn't take the form. So this is a one time only 2 hr appointment to try to confirm in writing child living arrangements and subsequent money.
I told her last time that it was emotionally abusive and so I hope she remembers.

Teabay Mon 19-Dec-16 12:51:17

Jeaux90 - great name...

Thank you - I'll try the best to keep the emotion out & stick to the bare facts. I'm just worried I'll cry! It's that it's so important to me to get it right for the DC.

Teabay Mon 19-Dec-16 12:54:18

Thank you HellsBells and Witch.

Very good advice - I guess I'm just worried that the horribleness that was invisible to others whilst I was married (he's a classic narc) will be invisible in the meeting and no one will see me or the truth, AGAIN!

jeaux90 Mon 19-Dec-16 15:42:30

How did it go Tea?

Teabay Tue 20-Dec-16 07:46:47

Thank you - I survived!!

In the mediation I tried to be unemotional, just factual. He took all the rope, quickly tied some of his own as well and just showed his true colours. At one point he was taken outside by the mediator for a "chat" but not because he was shouting and rude.

The plan for the DC to be with me more than him still stands (yay!) and the mediator brought up the subject of maintenance (which he pretended not to engage in) but I know there's now a copy of everything written by a legal expert. I asked for it to be sent to my solicitor.

Thank you again - I feel I was better at it because of you!!

jeaux90 Tue 20-Dec-16 07:54:45

Well done you!!!

They are such difficult beings.
I'm so glad you came out calm and unscathed with the right outcome.


abbsisspartacus Tue 20-Dec-16 08:01:39

About the child benefit ring them directly get it switched over cut him out

Teabay Tue 20-Dec-16 09:10:08

Thanks abbsis - I tried this before, but as he registered it in his name since birth and refused to switch it over, they said that only he could change the details.
After next week there'll be a court order saying it's mine so I'm going to try again then.

Jeaux 90 (your name auto corrects to Jesus! Love it!!)
Thank you again my friend. I never realised how incredibly difficult dealing with a narc could be - totally and completely exhausting.
But I'm almost free!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 20-Dec-16 10:25:33

Well done indeed, Teabay, it was a difficult thing to get through and you've done it. So pleased for you that the outcome is looking positive.

jeaux90 Tue 20-Dec-16 10:36:10

Tea they are totally exhausting and the least contact you have with him the better.

Make sure you hold on to that feeling of freedom when this is all done and dusted. I find it a useful grounding during tough times that things can never be as bad as they were when you were in the relationship with the narc and that you are free to pursue your life the way you want to.

Big hug xxx (my name autocorrects to Jesus cracks me up, I am so unholy grin)

Teabay Tue 20-Dec-16 10:50:19

Look and listen my friends - this is all you will need this Christmas...

jeaux90 Tue 20-Dec-16 11:13:46

Ha ha ha Tea love it. It's like a combination of my 7 year old DD playing the recorder and the radio 4 "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" when they have to play the kazoo grin

Laughed out loud at that!


Puffinitee Tue 20-Dec-16 11:20:42

Haha, that video freaked the cat out!

Glad your meeting went well! Take a moment to think about that, so you remember you can do this!

jeaux90 Tue 20-Dec-16 11:48:04

Nice advice puffin and so true. Xxx

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