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I can't get over my friend cheating on her DH(84 Posts)
My oldest friend had been married for nearly 25 years when she sought out, tracked down and started an affair with the man she was previously engaged to.
Broke up her marriage, devastated DH, devastated DCs (14 and 12), OM left his DW and DCs, house sold, etc.
It's two years since she told me, and she was like a love-sick teenager. It was repulsive to see and to hear about secret assignations in hotels etc.
I haven't met the guy yet. I don't want to. They live a long way from me but they're passing through my town at New Year and want to pop in. I don't want to meet him. I don't want to see the two of them all lovey-dovey. It turns my stomach.
Do I need to just get over my feelings and be glad for her that she's happy?!
FWIW I'm 50 and I've never cheated on anyone, ever. I've been with DH for 23 years, married for 15. He drives me potty sometimes, I feel bored sometimes, but I'd never cheat.
Up to you whether you see her or not. Personally I wouldn't be so judgemental of one of my my friends. You never know what really goes on in a marriage and I'm not one of those people that is ever shocked by affairs.
I think it's a shame that seeing two people in love turns your stomach though.
Doesnt sound like you respect her and see how she has behaved as someone you want close to you. Follow how you feel, if you dont want them coming round then either be honest and say why or think up a reason... can you see you and her ever being close again after this?
Well I suggest you tell her that you don't want to be friends with her. Quite frankly no one needs friends as judgemental as you. Yes affairs are messy and difficult and painful but relationships are not always black and white but many shades of grey. You're acting if she was unfaithful to you rather than her husband.
I mean this gently but if 2 years on you can't get past this you probably need to consider calling a day on the friendship. It won't be good for either of you to have this hanging between you.
Affairs are messy. And you can never see inside another relationship. Your friend will have to live with what she's done, and doesn't need friends who are judging her.
If hope you manage to get past this, it is painful to lose old friends.
If you care about her and the friendship, then yes, you need to build a bridge and get over it, and be happy for her. You don't have to agree with the way she did things, but accept that you weren't in her shoes.
If you are not fussed about the friendship, then you simply don't need to see either of them.
I totally understand where you're coming from. The circumstances of her actively looking to start the affair are awful. I think you either need to make your excuses and accept that your friendship is over or decide to embrace this new phase of her life, and get to know her new partner.
I would find it very hard to decide.
If you disapprove to the extent that you find it repulsive I would not see her.
Affairs are rarely black and white. No, there is no question that what she did at the time was wrong, but the fact that she and OM ended marriages and are still together two years down the line implies that this was more than just her pursuing him for her own means. And you have no idea what was going on in her marriage.
Certainly at the time I think that to not want to see her would be understandable, but two years on she is living a new life, and if you are so put off by how that life started then you just need to step back from the friendship.
But if she was your oldest friend then clearly you didn't know her very well...
I get why you feel as you do. I have seen the harm done by selfish cheats. Marriages fail for lots of reasons and I don't expect you would have gone off your friend if her marriage had failed in any other way. It's when two people are utterly ruthless and it's all about their great passion rather than any children or innocent people. I know two people like this and avoid them.
I can understand why you would find this hard, presumably you felt that someone you have had such a long standing friendship with had similar views and values to you. Her affair probably feels like a betrayal of your friendship over all that time. Do you think there's anything worth salvaging? Can you arrange lunch somewhere neutral and see how you feel afterwards?
If what has happened has on balance outweighed the positive characteristics of your friends (as in our case) then be honest and say so. I too think you need to call time on the friendship if you've not got over it in 2 years.
We too have recently dropped a friendship after a friend had his second fling knowing the hurt he'd caused the first time, instead of ending a marriage he wasn't happy in. He left home and didn't even let his teenage kids know he was living in the next street. Who does that?
Yes, I will judge! No I will not be friends with somebody for whom the affair was the answer because he lacked the balls to end an unhappy (for him) marriage until he'd lined up a woman to move in with and then didn't keep in touch with the kids or express any sort of acknowledgement or regret for the pain he'd caused.
Are you still friendly with the husband?
What is it that really bothers you and have you spoken with her about it?
I feel the same about an old friend who left his wife. I was friendly with them both and to see the devastation he caused and the way he has treated his kids (one has severe SNs and he has been so crap) has made me lose all respect for him. So I have cut him out. DH still messages him and they have met a few times which I don't mind though have said not here...
So be honest with her. The friendship may well be over or can you see past this?
You're not wrong to feel the way you do, so you need to decide if it's worth losing the friendship over.
I think you should meet them this once, and take it from there. Perhaps you'll decide never to see them again, but perhaps it won't be as bad as you think.
Euphemia, it's so disappointing, isn't it, when friends behave in a way that we ourselves would find morally reprehensible. I think some people are just twits when it comes to relationships; they have this idea that there is "one great love" in their lives and that love must conquer all regardless of who gets trampled underfoot in the process. They say things like 'You can't help who you fall in love with" without acknowledging that while that may be true, you also need a degree of common sense and consideration for other people's feelings, particularly when those people are your own children.
I suppose, in the same way, you could ask if friendship should also conquer all? If someone is your BFF, should you overlook their faults and misdemeanours and still.be there for them and if so, how far do you go with that?
I think, if it were me, I would probably see them and be polite but I certainly wouldn't actively seek them out and would probably allow the friendship to fizzle out.
My oldest friend had an affair. I was very surprised but I assumed she has a very good reason and she's still as special to me as always and I'd never judge her. She's never judged me either. We've known each other for 32 years. It really does count for something. She's been an amazingly supportive friend for decades. Why the hell would I judge her because she fell for someone else?!
Well the way you've written it, I don't think that I would want to see her either.
Actually tracking the guy down?
If people aren't happy, why don't they leave rather than hedging their bets by seeing how it goes with someone else first?
I wouldn't want to see her either.
And yes, I am being judgemental. I'd judge her and find her wanting.
People say 'judgemental' like it's always a bad thing. It's not.
It doesn't sound like there's any chance of the two of you being friends again so I would make my excuses.
She can't be your best friend if this is how you feel. I love my best friends husband he is a wonderful man and she shares two beautiful children with him, she has been my friend since we were 6, have seen all sorts happen in our lives and never once for any of her choices have I judged her in fact I have been fully supportive of anything she has ever done. If she were to do the same as your friend obviously would feel very sad for her boys and husband but ultimately it would not change my feelings of her, it's called unconditional positive regard and it's something that a 'true' best friend would feel. I know she would be the same hence our relationship is totally open and we can talk about anything together without fear of judgement. I think personally it sounds like you don't want to have a relationship with her if full stop if you can't stomach your feelings and make this man feel welcome.
I Don't know the deeds of your friendship, but if she's always been a good friend and stood by you all this years, then I think it's awful for you to act like a moral judge and treat her like dirty because of one transgression. Yes the consequences were nasty to her family but it seems that everyone is moving on from that , but not you.
You might be doing her a favour by ending the friendship for good. You'd probably be always making remarks about the affair and constantly be making her feel inadequate.
Also, when the shit hit the fan two years ago you were never there for her, so you probably didn't like her much anyway.
You sound a bit jealous of her new found happiness.
I think you need to get over this.
It's happened, they are happy together now and are a couple now.
Her behaviour has nothing to do with you. If I were you I would stop judging her if you like her and move on.
I'm certainly not jealous, no, that's not it. I don't want her life.
It's the seeking out that I couldn't stomach. I can understand people meeting and falling in love - I totally get that. But they lived hundreds of miles apart and she sought him out, started emailing and texting with a view to seeing if there was anything still there, 25 years on! If it had been some bloke she had met at work, I'd have understood that. These things happen.
I never said she was my best friend. I said oldest friend. We see each other about once a year.
Yes I judge her. What she did was horrible. Not to me - she didn't betray me at all. We're not close enough for that.
I'll see her this time then let it slide. I'm not going to get over this because I realise now that I don't want to. If someone I know acts horribly, I'm not going to support them. She put her DH through hell because she found him "boring". Of course that's just what she's told me - there could have been more going on.
Not excusing the affair but you don't know the details. She may have been in a loveless/distant marriage for years and stayed together until she could no longer stand it. It may not have been her intention to track him down to have an affair, just to reconnect etc.
Like you said, she's an old friend who you rarely see and therefore don't know much about.
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