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What does it take to be polygamous?

(14 Posts)
ravenmum Mon 19-Dec-16 06:43:05

Kind of had an offer recently and I don't think it is really me, but it got me thinking about how it works and whether it might even suit me if I was more confident.

I take it that you do have to be very confident about your abilities in bed ... polygamous people have lots of experience, so would have pretty high expectations, right?

Is it mainly /all about sex, or also about having a change of scenery in other ways - interesting conversation etc?

Do polygamous people tend to be quite adventurous / alternative in other ways? Would a quiet, unexciting person like me stand out like a sore thumb? smile

SestraClone Mon 19-Dec-16 06:49:31

You need a spork.

scottishdiem Mon 19-Dec-16 06:50:13

This was an interesting read on it:

Thisjustinno Mon 19-Dec-16 06:52:47

Do you mean polyamory? Polygamy is different.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 19-Dec-16 07:15:37

What makes you think your unexciting? Is this a lifestyle choice something your open too? Deep-down are you looking at this from a position of seeking good times, company, friendship and sex or are you looking for a deeper relationship. Because if you are looking for something more involved then it's it very hard work and its really not for everyone. Don't worry about your self not being exciting enough. You are who you are and people either like it or not. Maybe some more information of exactly what has been put on the table and what has been proposed to you may help us understand.

WellErrr Mon 19-Dec-16 07:17:07

Low self esteem and a need to be in a relationship at any cost, in my opinion.

Notapodling Mon 19-Dec-16 07:38:40

Hello, poly person here. To answer some questions: nope, you don't need to be particularly confident sexually. Like any other relationship, poly relationships consist of individuals who work out how they fit together. Some are confident. Some aren't.
It's really nothing to do with low self esteem or wanting a relationship at any cost. If that's the case, then you have relationship issues that need to be dealt with, whether poly or mono.
The key is being open and honest with your partner(s) and respecting their feelings (again, same as monogamous relationships).
You've said you've had an offer but not much more so I don't know if this is relevant but there are a lot of 'poly' men online who claim to be in poly relationships and yet their wIves are unaware of this. hmm. Theyre not poly. They're just cheating assholes. A decent poly guy will be more than happy to talk about your boundaries and concerns, and for you to make sure with other partners that it is a genuine poly relationship.
Poly isn't for everyone. Most of us recognise that so (again, like any relationship), if you want to try something new, go slow, keep communication lines open, and only do what you're comfortable with. Anyone who tries to pressurise you otherwise is a dick.

Notapodling Mon 19-Dec-16 07:44:03

Also, it's not all about sex. Generally, I'd classify 'all about sex' in an open relationship as swinging. Polyamory usually contains sex, but it's more about multiple relationships.

mirokarikovo Mon 19-Dec-16 07:48:47

I have some polyamorous friends (and polygamy is very different to polyamory)

What it takes is an ability to apply the same attitude that we already have to familial love - of course we are able to love the 2nd/3rd/4th baby/niece/nephew/sibling that joins the family just as much as the 1st - in the same way to adult sexual relationships. So having no concept that one of your partners is "primary" or that you ought to be "primary" to them.

You therefore need zero possessiveness/jealousy and no one in the arrangement believing that sole partnership would be better - it's a really bad idea for someone who prefers mono relationships to join a poly group because they fancy one of the members - it will likely end basly. You need enough self-esteem to know that the love an sex that you share with one of your partners is just as valued, appreciated and reciprocated as the love and sex they share with another partner. And you need an incredible amount of organisation skills and physical energy to keep track of and participate in all the plans you have with your various partners!

mirokarikovo Mon 19-Dec-16 07:51:41


BraveDancing Mon 19-Dec-16 07:57:44

You mean polyamorous. And in my experience they are just like people - they come in all shapes and sizes. Some will be uber experienced, some won't. Some are outgoing, many are introverts. Every one does it for different reasons - I know one family which are just two guys, one woman, raising a kid together, no real variety beyond that, very normal. Loads of poly groups out there - maybe make contact with them? MN isn't great for unbiased advice on this subject in my experience.

category12 Mon 19-Dec-16 07:58:53

You don't need to feel no jealousy - you do need to be prepared to work through those feelings on your own and with your partners. You have to be pretty self aware and willing to communicate your needs honestly. There's a poly website and book called 'more than 2' and other books like 'opening up' and 'the ethical slut' that talk about managing these types of relationships.

BraveDancing Mon 19-Dec-16 07:59:45

mirokarikovo - disagree slightly. Most of the poly people I know do have a primary partner - often the person they live with, share finances with. Just not all. It's very varied in my experience.

ravenmum Mon 19-Dec-16 08:35:45

Haha, I did wonder if it was the right word, thanks for the correction!
This is indeed some bloke online, so I'm quite wary, but it has made me curious as I wouldn't mind expanding my horizons a little after decades in a very conventional and slightly stifling relationship, and little other experience. So someone who probably likes sex, doesn't have too many hang-ups and might have some good tricks up his sleeve is quite tempting smile

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