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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP wont kiss me

56 replies

PinkSparrow · 18/12/2016 23:42

If I've gone down on him the same day.

Kissing is a big deal to me, and generally we are very affectionate with each other and kiss throughout the day often, not just around the time we are initiating/ having sex.

I enjoy going down on him, I want to do it, but knowing that he wont come near me for the rest of the day or kiss me during the remainder of our bedroom activities really puts me off doing it.

I understand that he doesn't want to taste himself on me, and I wouldn't mind if he'd rather wait till I've brushed my teeth and washed my face but after that I don't understand why I generally need to wait 24 hours.

We are very lighthearted about things and I've asked him what the "time limit" is but he didn't really answer me. We live together but by normal standards this is still quite a new relationship, I adore him and I find it difficult that we can't be as intimate if I do this for him but we both enjoy it so much I don't want to stop altogether. I do it less than I'd like to though just because I can't face the thought of going ages without being affectionate in other ways.

Is there a way of bringing this up with him without it seeming like I'm blackmailing him? Has anyone else been through this and been able to change their partner's mind or do I just have to suck it up (pardon the pun)?

OP posts:

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AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 18/12/2016 23:49

My DH won't kiss me either straight after although if I brushed my teeth he wouldn't make me wait till the next day. He doesn't kiss me after he goes down on me either, although I've never told him not to. I dont worry about it any more, it's just him. I don't like kissing much at all though, I find it a bit gross (don't like hugging either) so it doesn't feel like a big deal to me.

Trifleorbust · 18/12/2016 23:50

I don't really know what to say to this It's perhaps not that helpful to say that I would say, "No problem, DP. I prefer the kisses so no more going down on you as it bothers you." Sorted?

Casmama · 18/12/2016 23:54

I agree with trifle - this is a total non-problem. Stop going down on him and if he questions it say that you don't like the lack of kissing afterwards especially as it is for such a long time so you would rather not go down on him. I would bet he suddenly compromises on the amount of time till he will kiss you again.

ChocoChou · 18/12/2016 23:58

Yes OP I wouldn't be happy with that either. In fact me and DH will happily give each other slobbery kisses after either of us have gone down below... whyever not
I'd be tempted to say to him that I wouldn't be going down anymore but you say you enjoy it yourself so... hmmm... it's a tough one sorry

GinAndSonic · 19/12/2016 00:01

Yeah, I wouldn't like that. My DP is generally unaffectionate but when we have sex we kiss, including after we have gone down on one another. If it's not good enough for his tastebuds then it's not good enough for yours. Simple.

PhilODox · 19/12/2016 00:05

Just say "fine, no more blow jobs".

LotsoNumbers · 19/12/2016 00:07

Having to wait for the next day is ridiculous!

Cricrichan · 19/12/2016 00:15

It sounds like a psychological barrier rather than a physical one if even after you've brushed your teeth he won't miss you.

GardenGeek · 19/12/2016 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkSparrow · 19/12/2016 00:19

I don't want to go down the route of not doing it at all and treating it like an ultimatum. I don't think it should be tit for tat like that.

He doesn't go down on me at all, if he did I'd have no issue kissing him after it but I do understand that it's different for everyone.

If its a psychological thing, is there a way past it?

OP posts:

Hateloggingin · 19/12/2016 00:25

Why doesn't he go down on you???

He sounds like a twat. How can you have sensual sex with someone who expects you to taste something they won't? When it's from their own body??

Casmama · 19/12/2016 00:31

Even more reason not to go down on him! He sounds pretty repressed- I think you would be better moving on but don't imagine you will pay any heed to this advice as you "adore" him.
Be careful not to be a doormat op.o

Trifleorbust · 19/12/2016 01:14

You're not giving him an ultimatum - or you wouldn't be. You'd be making a choice. Kisses, from your perspective, are better than giving blow jobs. Why should his preference outrank yours? He is, of course, being utterly ridiculous and hypocritical to expect you to put his cock in your mouth but to refuse to let any of his own bodily fluid get into his mouth, so I would heartily recommend you play a bit of hard ball with this one.

PinkSparrow · 19/12/2016 10:36

I don't particularly want him to return the favour, I can take or leave it. I'm more than satisfied with the other aspects of our sex life.

I think you would be better moving on but don't imagine you will pay any heed to this advice as you "adore" him.
Be careful not to be a doormat op

No, I wont leave my partner because of this, he is a good man and i need to speak to him about it so that I can understand where his thinking is and if we can work through it. I came on here for advice on how to bring it up without it sounding like "No kisses, no BJ, end of" because effectively he has done the reverse of that to me and I'm unhappy about it, I don't want to do the same back.

OP posts:

Happybunny19 · 19/12/2016 10:55

Yuck sounds awful, no oral for you, but he's happy to receive, sex without kissing - doesn't that make you feel like a prostitute, I can't imagine having sex without the intimacy of kissing. You're obviously not interested in anyone's advice, but he doesn't sound particularly giving and for me that would be shit sex.

If you're happy to continue and don't want to confront over the issue that must be bothering you to go to the trouble of posting, then carry on, but don't ask our advice.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 19/12/2016 11:00

Well you are absolutely correct. He has given you an ultimatum. No kisses after a blow job.

So when you want kisses it's no blow job.

Does he ask, demand or expect a blow job? Or so you enjoy doing it for yourself?

And what reasons does he give for not giving you oral?

How can you be satisfied with all other aspects? He won't give you a loving, tender kiss after or during sex....what's satisfying about that?

AyeAmarok · 19/12/2016 11:00

Doesn't sound like he considers what you want very much.

Trifleorbust · 19/12/2016 11:02

The best way to bring it up is to tell him kissing means a lot to you. You are happy with your sex life with or without BJs but you struggle with "no kissing" for a whole day after giving him oral sex. You also don't understand the logic since you have brushed your teeth and it is, after all, his body he is objecting to! Just tell him how you feel.

gamerchick · 19/12/2016 11:08

He won't return the favour? Selfish twat!

Nabootique · 19/12/2016 11:33

Unless he questions his own personal hygiene "down there", then I don't understand the not kissing thing at all. If he is a clean person it's not THAT different to kissing a neck or wherever else!

As for not returning the favour, well fuck that!

babyapril · 19/12/2016 11:38

I think you have settled.
I'd also say this was all arse about face but given the situation...

PinkSparrow · 19/12/2016 12:21

It's not that he refuses to go down on me, I just don't particularly want him to. And he doesn't demand it from me either but I enjoy doing it and he enjoys receiving it.

He is very "giving" in all other ways, if the sex was shit I wouldn't have stayed with him.

And no, I don't feel like a prostitute he'll happily lie for ages and hold me, play with my hair etc. The lack of kissing actually bothers me more when we've left the bedroom than it does during sex.

OP posts:

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OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 12:24

My wife won't kiss me after I go down on her so I stopped doing it, she'd rather kiss me.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 19/12/2016 13:41

I don't really know what you want from this post op?

We can't really give step by step instructions on what to say to him, and how to spell it out. He's your husband not ours, and we don't know how open he is.The subject matter is fairly obvious, but, you don't want to offend him (and we don't know how thick skinned he is), you don't want to issue an ultimatum (like he does to you), you don't want to upset him, and you don't want to blackmail him

You don't want to hear anything negative about his actions, you don't want people criticising him here for sounding selfish, and a little bit childish...(eeeeeeeewwww your mouth's been on my penis ).

What's the magic answer you want then?

Bet he wouldn't go down on you even if you admitted you did want it...right?

thanks god for fanjo scented bearded sloppy kissing fantastic DP

Trifleorbust · 19/12/2016 14:24

So what are you after here? It sounds like you're secretly okay with him being rude to you after oral sex.

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