Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Advice needed.....

(20 Posts)
user1482093257 Sun 18-Dec-16 21:02:04

Im looking for a bit of advice (im a guy)

Over the past month or so my wife of 2 years has become incredibly distant from me. For the first few weeks she would finish work and not come home until 6/7am or just go out after I finish work until the same stupid hours. When she is out she rarely contacts me . Quite vague about where she has been and who with.

She says that she was stopping at her sisters - but I know that this is a load of crap. She stopped there once. Now for the last week or so she still goes out but gets back around midnight or shortly afterwards.

She is constantly on the phone and messaging another guy - she says they are just friends and nothing has happened between them. But I am unsure. Whenever I mention him or her behaviour its world war 3. I dont know what they talk about.

We have been together around 8 years and married for just over 2 of them. We have 3 children together who are too young to fully understand whats going on.

She does say she loves me and wants to be with me but actions speak louder then words. I know that I have a few trust issues an affair she had a few years ago. I forgave her for it but not forgotten - her actions now mirror quite closely what happened before but seem a lot worse.

I am unsure what to do, I love her dearly and cant imagine a life separately although its becoming more and more possible.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Sun 18-Dec-16 21:08:10

It doesn't sound great OP. I think you need to put your foot down. Her behaviour is incredibly disrespectful- when do you get any down time? Does she just expect you to pick up the slack with the children?

I'd explore it via that line of questioning and see where it leads. I suspect you're correct though. Do not settle for feeling like this forever.

user1482093257 Sun 18-Dec-16 21:17:34

Ive tried putting my foot down a bit. It ended up with potentially me being made homeless. She told me that she was throwing my stuff out whilst I was at work and changing the locks so that I couldnt get in. I think this was just an extreme reaction but it opened my eyes a lot.

Whenever I question why she is out all the time her response is that she is allowed a life and that I am controlling. All I would like is some actual time with my wife trying to salvage our marriage.

Im going to see where I get with talking to her again tomorrow once the children are asleep. I know we can't go on this way.

Daisyfrumps Sun 18-Dec-16 23:54:45

She can't lawfully throw you out or change the locks. I'd get some legal advice on your rights.

Daisyfrumps Sun 18-Dec-16 23:55:54

This is no marriage and she's taking you for a fool.

TheNaze73 Mon 19-Dec-16 00:00:44

LTB. She's taking the piss out of you

ExtraPineappleExtraHam Mon 19-Dec-16 00:03:13

Message the guy. He might not know you and the children exist.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 19-Dec-16 00:03:17

That is a threat, not a discussion. She doesn't sound very reasonable at all.

Do you have a relationship with her family at all?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 19-Dec-16 01:00:08

This website has been a great support to many women in your position- don't feel like you cannot expect the same because you're a man.

user1482093257 Mon 19-Dec-16 08:19:53

I think im starting to see this relationship for what it is. Its nice to know that its not just me being paranoid but this is driving me mad which in time will affect our children - which I won't let it get that far.

The other guy does know me and the kids exist. I met him a while ago but before I knew all this was going on.

I do get on quite well with her family - thats how I know she wasn't staying at her sisters. She doesnt know I know this yet.

Thanks everyone for your replies

Isadora2007 Mon 19-Dec-16 08:22:42

So sorry but yes she does sound like she is seeing someone else. And she sounds like a nasty piece of work too.
Can you get an appointment with a lawyer to see where you stand legally re the house etc?

Joysmum Mon 19-Dec-16 08:29:03

Get legal advice and then tell her that she's being hurtful as she's putting more effort into being out of the home than the relationships she has in the home. Give her the option to acknowledge this and make changes to improve your marriage or if she then doesn't you can say you've had enough of the disrespect and will be living in your home but are legally separating and she should get her own legal advice as she has as much right to throw you out and change the locks as you do, plus financially you need to contribute equally to the bills rather than shared finances so you both need to be prepared to do this.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 19-Dec-16 08:37:24

Legally she cannot change the lock.
She can, but you can call the police to gain access again.
If she does this make sure you do call the police.
You know she's up to something so it's ultimatum time.
She stops disrespecting you and the kids and stops contact with the other man immediately or you will get legal advice on separation and eventual divorce.

She's totally taking the piss out of you.

Get some legal advice anyway, find out where you stand with everything.
What is the situation with the house?
Is it rented? mortgaged?
How much equity do you have.

Who is the main carer for the kids?
Do you both work full time?

She's taking the piss out of you massively.
Don't be disrespected anymore.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 19-Dec-16 17:22:21

If you get on with and are close to her family or your own, I would suggest reaching out to them and telling them that you are worried for your relationship because of her behaviour.
Maybe somebody could babysit for a few hours while you have a frank discussion about how to move forward?

I know that if I was having the same issue as yourself, my MIL's primary focus would be on the children and ensuring their happiness. If she is threatening to lock you out and you are the reliable parent then that is not in the children's best interests.

She will not thank you for it but I'd be making her family aware of what is going on. She seems to think she can get away with this scot free and then paint you as the problem whereas it is she who is the problem- the more people who know that from the outset the better.

user1482093257 Mon 19-Dec-16 17:49:24

I think the kicking me out and changing the locks was a heat of the moment thing. Although it was threatened I dont think she would actually carry it out.

Her family was the first to speak to me about the situation - they know she was going out all the time and coming back in the morning. Her brother did some digging about her story about stopping at her sisters and found that it was a pack of lies.

Im planning on having a good conversation about this tonight, it needs resolving quickly but I also don't want to rock the ship this side of Xmas for the kids benefit.

I work full time and she works a few evenings in the week and weekend. Its mainly after work that she doesnt come back as she knows that I am already asleep by the time she finishes.

Housing situation is rented although I don't see that as an issue. I would be the one to move out as I wouldn't let my kids go through that much upheaval.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Tue 20-Dec-16 23:41:17

Why should you move out though? Who will look after your kids while she's out and not coming home?

Her behaviour is damaging to all of your relationships. Children included.

Good luck I hope your convo goes well

user1482093257 Wed 21-Dec-16 20:46:38

Thank you - convo just doesn't happen. Its something that she just doesn't have time for so I guess that there is nothing I can do.

After a long tough time; I have decided that although I love her to pieces enough is enough; I cant live like this. Although Im far from perfect lol I deserve better and will be moving out in the new year.

Thanks everyone for words of support. Its truly a testing time and the time of year doesn't help.

alvinp Thu 22-Dec-16 00:04:20

Sorry for the situation you're in, I think you've made the right choice here, sad though that is. Look after yourself and your kids.

Tenshidarkangel Thu 22-Dec-16 12:36:50

Personally, I would seek legal advice before rocking the boat. That way you know exactly where you stand if she does make good on her threats and you know what can and can't be done.
I also agree with PP, she sounds like a piece of work.

scottishdiem Thu 22-Dec-16 13:13:12

Take the kids away for a couple of nights to see what she does and wants.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now