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Now at 43 i realise why people have affairs

(81 Posts)
Winniethepooer Sun 18-Dec-16 18:09:37

My 17 year relationship is unhappy. Has been for ages.

I've known a man for about 25 years. Friend of a friend. Nice bloke. Married with dc.

We started chatting on fb about work.
The messages progressed.

I was very tempted as was he, but we decided not to take it any futher or to meet up.

But i wanted too. I am incredibly attracted to him.

I suddenly understand why people have affairs. Never 'got it' before.

Ultimately for me, I couldn't continue as i know his wife & dc, be it not very well.

Dp has no idea. Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

ivykaty44 Sun 18-Dec-16 18:19:44

There are a lot of "perfect" people on mn

MotherTeresasCat Sun 18-Dec-16 18:21:42

People have affairs because they want to, ultimately. It isn't much more complicated than that.

For sure, the affair partner might provide things - ego boost, sexual excitement of an early relationship, a reason to leave an unhappy relationship, a distraction - that the other person 'needs' for whatever reason, but the premise remains the same. They are having an affair because they want to.

AuntieStella Sun 18-Dec-16 18:22:57

Not "perfect", just with the experience to know that betrayal is one of the very worst things you can do to someone.

No reason to stay in a relationship you have out grown.

But infidelity is a shabby way to end things. And (almost) invariably makes things more hurtful all round and way more complex.

Winniethepooer Sun 18-Dec-16 18:25:53

Absolutely.
I've never cheated on dp. I always thought people who had affairs were being directly cruel to their spouse & that was the paramount issue.

Now i reslise its about the prospect of a different partner. The excitement. The escapism...

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sun 18-Dec-16 18:26:47

People have affairs because they want to, ultimately. It isn't much more complicated than that.

I agree.

It has nothing to do with 'perfect' either. More the case that I have seen too many people and families devastated by people's affairs and selfishness they produce.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 18-Dec-16 18:37:52

I can totally see why people have affairs but I've seen the devistation that they cause and as such I would never ever do it. Not because I'm perfect- far from it, I'm selfish and flawed- but because once you've seen what it can do, I don't think it ever leaves you.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Sun 18-Dec-16 18:43:06

"Now i reslise its about the prospect of a different partner. The excitement. The escapism..."

Yes, when you're tempted, it looks dazzling. To the outsider it's the same old trite, hackneyed following of the Script. It's nit special. It's pretty mundane, extremely common and one of the worst things you can do to a family.

Take it as a wake up call. I'm totally not bothered whether that is to improve your marriage or to end it. I just thing betrayal is utterly shit.

ivykaty44 Sun 18-Dec-16 19:20:12

See I have known two slides who were similar in that they both had ended up brie beaten by Thier spouses, both had low esteem and both wanted to leave the marriage but didn't have the courage for whatever reason.

Both ended up having affairs, both left Thier respective spouses to be with someone different. One stayed and they made a go of it and are happily married, the offending spouse would never have left the married home on own as to scared.

The second left but after a few month returned, didn't want to return but did, still lives with husband but not together and both are unhappy, but he seems to want her there in the home rather than not.

Nothing is ever simple and these two people are not nasty people but normal people that probably just haven't got what it takes to have left Thier relationships on Thier own.

leaveittothediva Sun 18-Dec-16 19:30:48

Oh, I though you were going to give us some kind revelation. Sigh. Believe me after 20plus years with a man, the thoughts of having another one in my ear hole would excite me about as much as having my eyeballs tattooed. If we break up, I'm fucking done. I'd never do this all again, not for fking diamonds.

jules179 Sun 18-Dec-16 19:43:33

Definitely sounds like a wake up call, either to try and make things better or to decide its done.

IsNotGold Sun 18-Dec-16 20:01:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon Sun 18-Dec-16 20:03:47

There is a difference between having an affair and considering one.

People have affairs because they are selfish wankers.

There are many complicated reasons for considering one.

Winniethepooer Sun 18-Dec-16 20:54:09

leaveittothediva i would have posted a similar response a couple months ago.

I love only on MN can you just leave or end a relationship. For many thats just not an option.

The point of my post is that I'm a mother of a large family. Totally concentrated on my dc & GC. As far removed from an OW as is possible.

But it was exciting, fun and made me feel good. I see how people get carried away now.

Previously I just seen the hurt, pain & destruction caused by affairs & really couldn't understand why people bothered...

BakeOffBiscuits Sun 18-Dec-16 21:00:16

"I see how people get carried away now"

But you stopped didn't you? You didn't go through with it. That's the difference between being moral and not.

I can understand why people have affairs (there are lots of reasons) but it still doesn't make it in any way right.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sun 18-Dec-16 21:02:22

But it was exciting, fun and made me feel good. I see how people get carried away now.

Getting carried away has consequences which you would have to be responsible for.

IsNotGold Sun 18-Dec-16 21:08:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Therightplace9 Sun 18-Dec-16 21:11:39

I can too and to my shame have done so in the past. It was incredibly exciting at the time. It caused a lot of pain though.

Aderyn2016 Sun 18-Dec-16 21:16:18

I get it too. You get to be middle aged and life consists of work and mundane stuff and it's boring. You think 'is this it?' Then someone comes along who makes life feel exciting again - it's new and you remember what it feels like to just be you and it is nice. But, that feeling is an illusion - if you swapped your real life for the affair one, it too would become 'normal' at some point. The illusion is not worth trashing the lives of your dp and dc for. It causes untold anguish.
In the end, everyone can be trmpted but ghe ones who do it are fundamentally selfish and consider their desire outweighs everything else, inclyding the right of their spouse to an honest relationship amd their children's stability.

80schild Sun 18-Dec-16 21:41:23

I can understand why someone would do it as well - life can be quite boring and if you don't get on with the person you are with then it must be really difficult. I don't buy into the idea of it always being straight forward either - there are quite a lot of reasons why people are unhappy and an affair is usually the result of that.

PalcumTowder Sun 18-Dec-16 21:42:30

How far did it "progress" in the messages? Flirting? Explicit chat?

I am biased and I feel I should state that now. My husband has been messaging other women so I'd be interested to hear it from the other side. You may feel as though you've been restrained by stopping, as does my husband, but honestly for the partner it isn't any less hurtful.

Crumbs1 Sun 18-Dec-16 21:45:57

Yes window shopping can be fun. To break the window and steal the goods would be wrong, so you acted with integrity. The answer in my point xperience is not to run away or destroy what you have but to work hard at making it better. A few years down the line you may well be happier than ever with a long life of shared memories and the trust to grow old disgracefully together.

jules179 Sun 18-Dec-16 21:49:16

I love only on MN can you just leave or end a relationship. For many thats just not an option.

Hard if you are only staying because you feel that you can't leave.

GlacindaTheTroll Sun 18-Dec-16 21:52:20

"As far removed from an OW as is possible."

Really? In the nicest possible way, you have a very limited idea about who can be an OW.

And yes, it is stay or go. Because once betraying, it could go tits up at any point. So you have to be ready for your marriage/family to be over at any point (out of your control, and with you copping all the blame).

Or end on your own timetable.
Or reject betrayal and work on your primary relationship.

There really aren't options beyond those.

PalcumTowder Sun 18-Dec-16 21:52:31

How can anyone think she acted with integrity when you don't know what was in the messages?

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