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I'm obsessed with a man who doesn't even like me

(107 Posts)
Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:10:11

And i've only just admitted/realised it myself. I need a shake, an outsiders opinion, advice, someone to listen or just a bloody grip.

I'm not going to leave anything out to make me or him look better, then I would love to know what you think.

I was unceremoniously dumped by my partner after 6 years. My friends took me out for drinks the next weekend and we got chatting to some men. I was attracted to one in particular and we all ended up going back to his for more drinks after town closed.

We ended up in bed together. It was a revelation. The sex was something i've never known before. It was passionate, hot hot sex. At the end he said 'have you ever had sex like that before, this is out of this world, I can't believe what just happened'' (I have replayed those words about a million times in my head).

I left in the morning and didn't leave my number. He didn't ask for it either.

A week later, now feeling even more rejected, I tracked him down on FB. He sent me a message full of compliments and could we meet again (he made it clear it was for sex). I couldn't, didn't say no and this carried on for the next 6 months. When we were at his he was lovely, kind, the sex just got better and better, we (in his own words) have a connection.

In the meantime i realise that this man is very well known around town. He's been single a long time and isn't short on women.

I started stalking his Facebook constantly. Seeing which photos he had liked, things he had commented on. One minute on a high because he had messaged me, the next minute a crashing low because he was in a photo with women draped all over him or him liking someones half naked profile pic.

This has been going on for months. The creeping on his page just getting worse, me feeling like a dog with a bone if he happened to like something on my page. He stopped sending me messages unless I messaged him first and then it could be days before he would reply or sometimes he just wouldn't bother.

Still I was running into him in town and occasionally going home with him. I actually felt pleased when he would 'pick' me at the end of the night even though he had had women with him the whole evening. I even felt pleased when I heard some woman in the toilets calling me 'that slag that x likes'.

I have lost all reason with this man. I am ashamed of how hooked I am. How much time I spend thinking about him, creeping on his Facebook, fantasising about him. He doesn't care one jot about me. When he is drunk he professes his love for me, that in all the time he's been single he's never felt like anyone like he does for me, that we have a connection, that I am the only one who gets him. And then in the morning he is cold. So fucking cold and can barely look at me. Yet again I just go back like a kicked puppy.

Please please tell me how to get this man out of my head. I wish I had never ever met him. Its like a horrible addiction that I can't break and I don't want to go into another year thinking about him. This has been going on for about 10 months now. I just want to stop even thinking about him. Please, do you have any advice?

iamadaftcoo Sun 18-Dec-16 16:16:59

You need to go cold turkey. Cut contact completely and stop seeing him.

user1481490957 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:20:53

It seems to be human nature to want something we cant have. The mere fact that he shows you little attention and will openly flaunt himself around with other women will make you want him more and to win. Him showing you little attention every now and again is enough to keep you keen and im sure he knows this. I can almost guarentee if he were to commit himself to you after all this is wouldnt be as fun and youd loose interest pretty quick. With this guy its the thrill and game. A cat will chase a ball of yarn then when it finally catches it it gets bored and doesnt want to play anymore. This guy knows exactly what hes doing and how hes keeping you right where he wants you. The human mind is that of a complicated one, i hope i havent sounded harsh at all its just this seems to be my experience. One day you will find bigger and better things and he will just be a distant memory

Patienceisvirtuous Sun 18-Dec-16 16:21:29

Cold turkey is the only way. Block him on your phone and delete and block on all social media.

You don't want a thing where the highs are high and the lows are plummeting. You want a nice steady, equal relationship where each of you values the other equally.

Anything else will be catastrophic for your self-esteem and not good for your mental health either!

ToastDemon Sun 18-Dec-16 16:22:26

OP have a look at this really interesting thread on limerence. I think you'll find it useful.

Limerence thread

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:23:13

iamadaftcoo, you have no idea how many times I have sat there with my finger hovering over the unfriend button on Facebook. I just can't do it. I want to. But then there is this voice saying 'you won't know what he is up to, if he starts seeing someone, what he does for xmas'. Also as far as he is aware there is no drama between us and I am happy with this arrangement. If I just delete him he's going to know that he got to me.

He tells his friends how 'cool' I am with the arrangement and how 'i don't hassle him like other women'...and I like it. I am cringing and so embarrassed just writing that. I don't even recognise myself.

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:25:59

I'm crying now. I hadn't even admitted half of this stuff to myself. Ignoring my messages, ignoring me until he wants sex, the coldness the next day. I feel like such an idiot. I don't know how this happened to me. And yes I wouldn't want him for a relationship. In the cold light of day we would be awful together. So why can't I just let him be.

I'm going to look at that thread now

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:26:29

The cat analogy is perfect.

OutToGetYou Sun 18-Dec-16 16:26:31

Well, you've got that out of your system, time to face reality and move on now. Fun while it lasted and all that smile

trickycat Sun 18-Dec-16 16:34:31

I think your behaviour may be tied up with the end of your long term relationship. It sounds like it was sudden or perhaps traumatic and you haven't perhaps dealt with it. He has become an obsessions distraction from that hurt.

Cold turkey is the only way. The relationship is not healthy. And he may even respect you for befriending him and showing him you are cutting loose.

trickycat Sun 18-Dec-16 16:36:03

obsessional and unfriending!

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:37:34

Limerance.....wow

Thats exactly it. A complete madness. I've just read the first few pages and a wiki article and its like reading about my own head.

I actually feel a bit better that I am not going crazy. There was a part of that article which said that generally it goes away after a suitable amount of time if there is no contact or 'hope' given to the sufferer. There was a period of a month when I didn't hear from him at all and I couldn't bring myself any lower by messaging him and it did start to go away. I then went to a party and he was there. I had no idea he was going to be there. I walked into the kitchen and planned on a quick hello and then leaving. As I walked in he grabbed me by the waist and said 'heres my girl, this is the girl who knows me better than anyone in the world, she's also the best fuck i've ever had'. I mean who in their right mind would be happy about someone saying that to a room full of strangers? Thats fucked up. And yet I was right back there as soon as he said it.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 18-Dec-16 16:43:01

Yes agree with PP. you didn't have a chance to grieve the end of your real relationship and you distracted yourself in the thrill and emptiness and chase of this non-relationship.

In this respect you are a junkie using this man for the highs and lows to mask your pain. See it for the addiction it is and read up on how to deal with addiction.

DailyFail1 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:43:25

He doesn't respect you, and it's becoming clearer that you probably have lost a bit of respect for yourself too. Like others have suggested I would go cold turkey, but I also suggest you do some casual dating that doesn't end up with sex. Try speed dating, or online, anything to get you out the house and stop dwelling on this.

Bluntness100 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:49:08

He sounds really arrogant and up himself if I'm honest. His statement on you understanding him is all about him. I'd cut him loose. At a minimum make him work for it. Do you really want to be his beck and call girl?

RebelRogue Sun 18-Dec-16 16:52:20

Been there,done that. Then been there and done that a couple more times because i'm so fucking (stupid) stubborn. Pp's are right..cold turkey is the only way. Block him on social media and on your phone. Avoid places he might be,or at least have good friends with you for backup,at least in the beginning. It would be very helpful if you had an active social life as well,work meeting with friends,maybe casual dating ,hobbies etc. To fill your time and not be moping or replaying how wonderful x and y was. Every second you don't spend obsessing over him,you're one step closer to "healing".
BUT ... we can't do this for you,just like with any addiction,it needs to come from you. You have to want to do it and acknowledge it's the right thing to do. So ...have you reached rock bottom yet ?

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:54:11

I have no respect for myself where it comes to him.

I haven't dealt with the relationship ending. I don't even think about him, as soon as I met this guy I wasn't even bothered or sad. I realised a few months back how strange that was as I feel nothing when I think about him. He's dating someone else now and I don't even care.

Its like all of my energy has gone into this new man.

alphabook Sun 18-Dec-16 16:54:28

It definitely sounds like this has become a way of distracting yourself from truly grieving over the loss of your long term relationship. This man is addictive because when you're with him you feel like the most special woman in the world, but it's not real and he doesn't mean it. It's like gambling addiction, you feel like if you stay in the game eventually you will win, but you will never win with this man.

GloriaGaynor Sun 18-Dec-16 16:57:06

'heres my girl, this is the girl who knows me better than anyone in the world, she's also the best fuck i've ever had'

A man who said that about me would be gone for good.

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:57:15

Rebel, you are right. I've just deleted his number from my phone. But that still leaves Facebook/messanger. But what do I do if he asks why i've deleted him? I don't want to get into a whole thing with him. I know why i'm feeling like shit about this because I sent him a message yesterday basically offering myself on a plate and he has read it and just ignored it. Then I spent hours making up reasons why he may not be able to reply to me.

Its all bullshit of course, he just doesn't care.

What I really need is someone to change my Facebook password for me and not give it back to me for 6 months! I could ask my friends but they'd crack under the pressure.

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 16:59:45

Gloria, I know. I know that if I read that about someone else I would think the same thing. But for whatever reasons i'm not.

So if I get rid of him, do you think the grieving for my ex will start? I just feel cold when I think about him. I do randomly keep bursting into tears over the most ridiculous things though. Any advert or tv programme where anyone is the slightest bit tender with someone else and i'm sobbing like a baby.

I've really really done a number on myself.

gottachangethename1 Sun 18-Dec-16 17:00:26

If your daughter (hyperthetically) or best friend were being treated/used in this way, how would you feel? My guess would be that you would find it unacceptable. You must tell yourself that you deserve so much more than being someone's reserve. He has no respect for you and by continuing to see him on his terms you are showing him you have no respect for yourself. It's a cliche but you should be investing time in learning to love yourself, not this selfish excuse for a man. It's certainly not easy to go no contact, but try and see him for what he really is.

Beaching Sun 18-Dec-16 17:03:18

My friends do not like him at all. They all agree they can see the attraction but they know he is no good for me.

I actually left them all in town the other night and slipped off to another club to find him. I am so embarrassed by my behaviour.

MadisonMontgomery Sun 18-Dec-16 17:03:55

Honestly just block him completely. So what if he says anything - just tell him you had a friends clear out. I had something similar with someone about 10 years ago, and the joke was when I deleted his number and stopped having anything to do with him he suddenly decided I was the love of his life. By that time I'd seen the light, but I think if I'd gone back to him he would have been straight back to his old ways.

noblegiraffe Sun 18-Dec-16 17:05:05

Don't rely on him for your happiness when he is only relying on you for sex.

You have to disengage and find your happiness elsewhere, because he is not the right choice and will only keep letting you down.
Cold turkey. Stay strong. Distract yourself with something absorbing, even a DVD box set. Get some exercise, if not the gym/sports then go for brisk walks listening to upbeat high-tempo music on headphones. Don't give yourself any headspace to mope or wonder. If he sneaks into your thoughts then shake your head, and do something else. Every hour, every day you are free it will become easier.

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