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Narcissistic FIL

(12 Posts)
fudgefeet Sun 18-Dec-16 15:58:14

My husband is a wonderful caring, hardworking man who any parent would be proud of. He has been able to support his family doing what he loves and received world wide recognition as a result. We are not rich, we do not own our own home but we are happy and work well together in raising our children.
His father has always put a lot of pressure on him to succeed in life and puts a lot of emphasis on material wealth. A few times a year he sends my husband random long-winded emails asking about what my husband plans to do to get anywhere in life. Throughout these emails he sneers at our "quality of life", asks him if he is happy slaving away for nothing and calls him simpleminded, naive, a disappointment, tells him he has a rouge gene and many other nasty hurtful things.
They come out of nowhere for no reason at all. My husband knows not to react to it although he is so hurt that his father can say such disgusting things out of nowhere.
On the other hand if DH wins an award or accomplishes something noteable in his career his father will start calling all the local newspapers to try and get them to write an article about it and gush about being proud to call him his son.
Today he received a text from his dad berating him for his choice of Christmas gift that he had received in the post. He didn't need it and anyone who is not an idiot would have known this ( his words). Last year he didn't even thank DH, we just received a confirmation email that a refund had been made on return of the gift. The year
before on Christmas Eve his father asked him to return all family photos as he believes they should go to a family member who deserves them.
I am so sad for DH, it always takes him a few days to get over these random texts and he really doesn't deserve it. His dad is actually not that bad in person so it does help when they meet face to face although they don't talk about these texts/emails. DH has blocked him on social media as he kept commenting on photos and stalking which was disruptive to DH's business as his profile is highly relevant in his career.
What can I do to help DH? He doesn't deserve to be bullied this way.

happychristmasbum Sun 18-Dec-16 16:14:59

Encourage him to go NC?

But DH this book for Christmas?

jeaux90 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:37:32

Nc is the only way with narcs. He can't stop him jumping in on his achievements but he can stop communicating.

fudgefeet Sun 18-Dec-16 16:38:03

Thanks happychristmasbum, I recognise that book. I think I bought it for him years ago. Should maybe dig it out.

NeighTrumpSnort Sun 18-Dec-16 16:40:32

There is nothing you can do until your DH wants to do something about it. If he is happy to continue contact then so be it

Patriciathestripper1 Sun 18-Dec-16 16:45:07

I would email him and and ask him why he makes such horrible comments to his son and how damaging his words are. Also that if it dosnt stop then there will be nc in the future and you will not put up with it anymore. As for the gifts, just don't buy anything for him.

jeaux90 Sun 18-Dec-16 17:01:12

Patricia that would goad the narc and I would never recommend it. They have no sense of social norms or consequence. They are over entitled shells of human beings who use people like they are a "supply" because they hate themselves so much.

He wouldn't even acknowledge that anything he has done is wrong.

frazmum Sun 18-Dec-16 19:37:34

Just got a similar email from my narcissistic DF. NC is the only way as the pain that follows those comments is heartbreaking.

GloriousGoosebumps Mon 19-Dec-16 00:09:35

Is there no Mil to act as a buffer between father and son? Does your Fil treat everyone in the family like this i.e. siblings or is this treatment reserved for your Dh? And what has your Fil achieved that makes him feel so superior?

fudgefeet Mon 19-Dec-16 00:27:33

DH's parents divorced when he was young. His dad remarried but he never had a close relationship with his stepmother. He wasn't really included as part of the family, they never took him on holidays and didn't even have his own door key when he was 16. His brother has had similar treatment and suffers from MH problems so his dad has written him off as a son a number of times.
To be honest he has very few achievements of his own. He seems to think his sons need to prove their worth as he made the sacrifice of giving up his citizenship in his home country to be here for them.

BubblingUp Mon 19-Dec-16 00:29:56

These types never change. It was the emotional hangover that led me to go no contact with my DF. It was just like your DH - it would last for days. I also had roommates telling me, "You know this isn't normal, right? You know you shouldn't be curled up in the fetal position after a phone call with your Dad, right?" It's been 18 years and there hasn't been even one second of regret. Nothing else helps.

GloriousGoosebumps Mon 19-Dec-16 01:33:48

Your answer surprised me. I was expecting you to describe Fil as the classic alpha male overachiever. I've no idea what you can say to the man who himself doesn't achieve greatness but never the less berates his son for his so called lack of achievement.

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